I don’t consider myself to be an expert on a broken heart. But if you are like me at all, then you’ve probably heard over and over that many people are feeling broken-hearted in these times. Then when I listened to a podcast interview this last week with one of my favorite authors Parker Palmer, I came to understand that we all have our hearts broken in little ways every single day. In fact, anyone who knows how to experience love is vulnerable. And every time something doesn’t go the way we expect, hope or plan, our hearts crack just a little (or a lot.) So, rather than pretend heartbreak doesn’t happen, or that it only happens to those with big tragedy and despair, I decided to share some observations and remedies that I learned from Palmer.
Parker Palmer believes there are two ways for our hearts to break. One type of heartbreak shatters the heart into a million pieces. He says, “Often these days, when it shatters it gets thrown, hurtled like a fragment grenade at the ostensible source of its pain.” He uses the word ostensible because he is convinced that most of us don’t really know where the pain is coming from, but we want someone to pay for it—so we blame and strike out at the most obvious source we can think of to alleviate our hurt.
Haven’t we all witnessed someone (even if we haven’t been that person ourselves) where those shattered fragments hurl out and hit everything and everyone around them? And while they may be aimed at anyone or anything that the grieving person feels is responsible, they usually end up damaging the heartbroken individual as well. Do you know someone who just can’t seem to stop posting vicious and angry thoughts and photos on Facebook? And what about the person who just can’t forgive their ex? No matter how self-righteous the anger might be, it sometimes closes down the heart into pure hatred. In those cases, the heart never really recovers because it is nearly impossible to reconnect the millions of broken shards that lay scattered around—especially if they see the only solution is for the heartbreaking situation to be different than it is.
The other way a heart can break is to break open to a larger capacity. It can stretch and expand, and like Palmer says, “It becomes better able to hold both one’s own joy and suffering, and the joy and suffering of the people around you.” Parker believes that in these troubling times we are each called to develop a heart with capacity, rather than one that just wants to flee or fight the situation from our “classic lizard brain.”
Again, I think we have all witnessed those who have suffered enormous personal tragedy and yet carry on doing what they can to heal themselves and even the world. On a small scale I think of my father who deeply grieved the passing of my mother and yet after a period of time went on to meet another woman friend. From that point forward, compassionate parts came through him that I had never seen before. Likewise, when I had a major illness that was both life-threatening and extremely painful, I afterward felt deeper compassion and understanding for others who experience both excruciating pain and face the possibility of their own demise. In some ways, I felt I was better after that experience because of how it opened me up.
So what can we do to heal a broken heart? First off Palmer suggests we recognize the choice we have between a brittle or a supple heart. Only a supple heart is flexible enough to bend, stretch and become more when needed. On the flip side, it is the brittle, guarded, and fearful heart that breaks apart—causing damage to itself and others.
But how do we do that? Palmer reminds us that every single day we each live through dozens of tiny, little sufferings (and yes even deaths). Those little disappointments add up—like the friend who betrays us in a tiny way, the unexpected illness that shows up in the body, or constant nit-picking at work. Much of the time we dismiss these small things and look away rather than feel the loss or pain they bring. Yet, by sitting with and staying aware of these tiny sufferings, we can actually exercise our hearts, and like a muscle, promote its flexibility. Then as any athlete who exercises her muscles before a competition, we would do well to ensure that our heart is limber enough to yield, expand and become more when necessary.
Of course, a big part of the problem is that many of us have learned how to stuff or ignore the pain of those losses so well that when something big comes along it has the potential to knock our feet out from under us. Is anyone out there as aware of the bubble that we tend to live in as much as I am now? In other words, we carve out a life that is fairly comfortable and routine and everything is great until a big “event” happens that makes us question both ourselves and the world around us. I know I’m not the only one who was deeply brokenhearted following the last election. And yes, much the pain and suffering has continued on almost daily between politics, the environment, and human rights violations. Palmer agrees that anyone NOT feeling the pain of such overt cruelty is either in deep denial or emotionally blocked.
So again, we have the option of witnessing the pain and suffering around us with either an open and supple heart, or a closed, guarded and brittle heart. Remember, one choice allows us to stay open to the joy and suffering of ourselves and others. The other closes us down or lashes out, becoming even more broken in the long run. One allows us to actively engage in the world and the lives of others in thousands of healing ways. The other keeps us cynical, fearful, and angry with our doors and our hearts locked as tightly as possible.
Parker Palmer is not the only one who suggests that an open, soft and supple heart is important in these times. As Pema Chodron says in her book Practicing Peace in Times of War, “If we want there to be peace in the world, we have to be brave enough to soften what is rigid in our hearts, to find the soft spot and stay with it. We have to have that kind of courage and take that kind of responsibility. That’s the true practice of peace.”
Embracing happiness and living in a positive way has never been about denying that painful and terrible things happen to good people all the time. Instead, it is the awareness that even when things are painful, we can grieve, learn from them and then move on—hopefully to become something better than before.
I think the most important thing about this perspective is realizing that we have a choice. Do we stay closed down in despair or disappointment or do we stay open in spite of it? And while the choice might not be easy, simple or happen immediately, it is possible. I choose to live knowing that all of our hearts are much stronger and more resilient than most of us know.
As Elisabeth Kubler Ross said, “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” I now know that each of us has at least two ways to experience a broken heart. The SMART choice is to stay open to a supple, flexible and expanded heart no matter what might happen in our lives today.
Okay, your turn. Have you also been hearing that others are feeling heartbroken these days? Are you feeling heartbroken? Do you have any advice about how we can all keep our hearts supple, open and better prepared for whatever challenges we face? Please share in the comments below.
Like so many who have experienced trauma early in life, I moved through my childhood having lost a mother at age 14, while being left with an abusive father. I learned very early to build walls to protect myself from being hurt further. After living like this for a few years, I determined that I had the choice of how to live life, and I chose to be happy, to get up each day and find the beauty in little things around me, in those who touched my life daily, no matter their skin color, ethnicity, sexual preference. Like everyone else who walks this journey called life, I have had a broken heart more often than I care to recall, but closing myself off would only result in a brittle heart, and that would harm not only people around me, but myself. I choose to find the beauty in each day instead. That is not to say that I am not very concerned about the political environment we not found ourselves in. I most certainly am and I often wonder how much worse it might get. I will continue to do my part, to remain hopeful. But I wonder how do we touch the most hardened of those around us? Those who subscribe to our blogs are typically like-minded individuals. How do we connect with those who feel the most disenfranchised?
Hi LuAnn! Thank you so much for sharing your own personal path with us all in regards to this issue. I completely understand how it is NOT easy to make the choice that you must every single day, but as you said, the alternative is not acceptable to you so you do. As far as your question goes, I honestly don’t know that we can do anything to inspire others who have a hardened heart. As far as influencing others, I think our best bet is to “Be the change we hope to see in the world” and not let ourselves be discouraged (or hardened ) ourselves. And as far as the disenfranchised, I think reaching out our hands and our hearts when applicable and doing what we can–but not taking it personally if our hand is rejected. Again, not always easy. But the payoff is worth it IMHO. Thank you again for your thoughtful words. ~Kathy
An interesting perspective. I think I am getting better at keeping an open, flexible heart, even if so much of the current situation does feel like my heart is breaking a little bit almost every day.
I met up with a friend this weekend who I had not seen in awhile and it was interesting to me how brittle and negative and yes, shattered she was. Sadly, I was happy when our time together came to an end.
Thanks for sharing a mind-opening post!
Hi Pat! Thanks for stopping by and sharing a personal story with us that is a GREAT example of how a brittle heart can be so sad for both the person holding it and everyone they encounter. I believe strongly that we must do what we can to help be a positive change in the world, but first, we have to make sure we have the compassion, strength, and bigness of heart to be effective. Otherwise we just spread more heartbreak around. ~Kathy
I am ever optimistic but also pretty dejected right now. OTOH, I’m open. I’m ready to forgive and move forward together, nationally speaking. OTOH, Maya Angelou said when someone shows you who they are, believe them. So I’m guarded and leery. My solution right now is to withdraw. But I already mailed in my ballot.
Hi Lynne! I agree that it is a difficult time to keep our hearts open and supple, but I agree with Palmer that the alternative is not something I want to become. Remember, having a supple heart isn’t agreeing with, condoning or promoting hate or tragedy. It is instead realizing how important it is for us to do what we can, right where we are, with what we have. I think the tendency with broken-heartedness can be for us all to run or hide from it, or on the flipside, let it completely overwhelm us. But there is a middle ground. We must not give up or the other side wins. Good for you for sending in your vote. I SO hope everyone else does because that can and does make a difference on a national (and even state) scale. ~kathy
I realize from your post how some people have taken this political and divisive political climate so personally. Yes I have heard some express their hearts are broken. I also have heard some say they have become politically numb or have political fatigue, and feel hopeless. We need to keep our hearts open and flexible to soldier on! Great post Kathy!!
Hi Haralee! Thank you for injecting that bit about part of the problem being how we take some of the dire circumstances personally…and how that too is a choice. Doesn’t the book “The Four AGreements” advice that we should “never take anything personally. Plus, I think it is extremely difficult to see some of the atrocities that are happening with starving and separated children, murdered endangered wildlife, and other visions without our hearts breaking. But there is a difference between taking that personally and recognizing that something horrible is happening and that we need to “soldier” on in any way we can. Palmer makes a point of saying that it is not wrong to be angry when we face such situations. But we must never allow our anger to lead to violence towards anyone, even the one we think is guilty. And the violence he is talking about is verbal, mental and yes, physical. He also makes a difference between righteous anger (when we are called to do whatever we can to right an injustice) as opposed to self-righteous anger when we make a lot of noise but don’t actually do anything–or we just follow the herd and fight against what our tribe tells us is wrong. I obviously appreciated his approach in many ways and am hopeful it offers some insight to others as well. Thanks again for your comment. ~Kathy
The underlying message here, that we often have more choices than we realize, is extremely powerful. If we keep our eyes (and attitudes) open, we can find endless models of those who have chosen to keep their hearts open despite devastating circumstances. Thank you for another very thought-provoking post.
Hi Donna. Thank you once again. This was an interesting post for me because I don’t really have anything I am grieving right now. But there is another election happening in the U.S. soon and even though I am very hopeful, I want to keep my heart in flexible and open ways no matter what. So important to remember that we can use those who are models of an open and supple heart or we can find others who are doing the opposite. I think I know which one you are all the time. ~Kathy
Making the conscious decision about which heart we possess certainly is not easy, as you point out. I think during major events, we start with a brittle heart, as we have to go through different steps to deal with that situation. Hopefully, we end with a supple heart after the first emotions and grievances mellow a bit. I also think that the more experience we get with heartbreak, death, unhappiness, disease around us, the “easier” it is for our hearts to become supple. It’s like the “practice” you mention in your post.
I have great respect for people going through very serious illnesses and staying positive. I know that, really, there is no other way and the hope needs to stay alive, but in some dire situations I don’t know whether I could behave as graciously as I have seen and experience others do!
At the moment, my heart is broken for the twin sister of my sister-in-law, who is a part of my Belgian family. A young, intelligent mother of two, her brain cancer returned and her future is shattered. Nobody knows how much longer she has to live, but needing to prepare for your imminent death with your family must be one of the worst things to do. As I said… heart breaking!
Hi Liesbet! I am so sorry to hear about your family member who is terminally ill. Never easy and obviously harder when it is someone you feel close to. And yes, I’ve read pros and cons from people who believe they would not want any warning and just go, but I think it is easier on the family when they have had time to process it and say their goodbyes. I think an example of that is Randy Pausch and his “Last Lecture” which is brilliant and thoughtful. If anything, his story is a wonderful example of how we can face such terrible news and still be open-hearted and compassionate toward ourselves and others. Something tells me he had exercised his heart in many ways before receiving diagnosis. ~Kathy
Great reminders Kathy to keep our hearts open to compassion and joy!
Hi Janet! And breathe…it really helps to keep breathing too! ~Kathy
A line from Leonard Cohen comes to mind, something to this effect – there’s a crack in everything; that’s how the light gets in. And this has often brought me solace – “I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches; if suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness and the willingness to remain vulnerable.” – Lindberg. Bob Lowry’s blog asked for childhood memories and he commented, “Your life sounds like it came directly from Andy Griffith or Little House on the Prairie…” Not so, other than the self-sufficiency. I’ve worked hard to focus on the positive and turn the negatives into opportunities to do better, always moving forward and engaging in life.
Hi Mona. Yes I have always loved that line from Cohen’s song. And I LOVE that quote by Lindberg that you included! “I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches; if suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness and the willingness to remain vulnerable.” And yes, to others it may seem that we have an easy life, doesn’t it? But just because you don’t talk about the suffering, doesn’t mean that your heart hasn’t suffered–only that you are keeping your heart open and staying engaged with a compassionate life. Thank you for your comment. ~Kathy
“… anyone who knows how to experience love is vulnerable”—a very true statement! As I think about my life, and recall all of the people I have loved, and some whom I’ve lost, I wonder if I would have plunged into all of the relationships I have experienced! It’s better, actually, not to know what lies ahead—if we did, we’d never take any risks at all! So I’ve loved deeply, and allowed my heart to be broken several times. Yet in thinking back to my mother, who died six years ago, and very dear friends who are gone, I am happy to have known and loved them. And I know I am richer and more open to life as a result!
Hi Diane. I agree with you that it is often better NOT to know what lies ahead–but to instead hold a sense of the possible and trust that collectively we will figure it out and it will get better. And as you say, I wouldn’t know anyone who also didn’t think that in the long run we are better off having and then losing, than never having at all. May we continue to hold that awareness no matter how long we live. Thank you for your perspective on this! ~Kathy
Yes, most people I talk to these days are suffering a broken heart at the current state of the world. It looks like hate, ignorance and evil is winning.
Thank you Kathy, for reminding us to keep our hearts soft and supple, and not to close down into a state of despair and hatred.
Deb
Hi Deb! I have always believed that it is usually darkest before the dawn. That’s why I am so convinced that we must never give up a sense of hope for the future–for our sakes and every generation to come. Not easy, and certainly not always predictable based on current events, but I’m not ready to give up and not sure I ever will be. With that in mind let’s keep reminding each other that we are stronger and more effective in ways we even know. ~Kathy