Have you ever heard the quote, “Comparison is the thief of joy?” That great quote comes from former President Teddy Roosevelt. And I completely agree. But this week I realized that comparison is also a thief to feeling grateful—and without gratitude, how can we feel joy? Of course, like so many issues of awareness, this seems obvious. The key is to remember it on a daily basis. Because if you are anything like me, it’s very easy to fall into the trap of seeing and comparing what others have or are doing—and then overlooking the good in my own life. Fortunately this week, two great examples popped up to drive this idea home. Even better perhaps, they happened to others rather than me. Ever notice how we can often catch behaviors in other people far more easily than in ourselves?
The first example came from a friend of mine who was telling me that her 20-something daughter who is getting married. Finally. Depending upon how you feel about marriage these days, this young woman who I’ll call Carrie, has been living happily with a young man and their three-year-old daughter for about four years now. But for reasons I can only guess, they have decided it’s time to marry. The mom is happy, I assume the in-laws are happy, the bride, the groom, and hopefully the daughter all appear excited about the upcoming date. Unfortunately, it didn’t take long for comparison to rear its ugly head.
From what Mom told me, Carrie is rather frugal by necessity and is well aware that her wedding budget is limited. Carrie’s parents are willing (and able) to kick in a modest amount, but choices and decisions will have to be made. First they selected a preferred date at the local family church where the wedding will be held. Then Carrie’s mom and dad offered to host the reception in their backyard. Next Carrie found a couple of possible dresses that are pretty and not overly extravagant. All was good until…another young woman who attends the same church decided to get married the same month as Carrie.
Apparently this is a BIG DEAL to Carrie. Mom thinks it is because the other young bride comes from more wealthy family and is pretty certain that the reception will be held at the local country club—not her parent’s backyard. All Carrie’s choices seemed great until she discovered that another other bride will be marrying very close to the same date. From a distance, the rest of us can ask ourselves, what’s the problem? Even though they know each other, neither bride will likely be attending the other’s wedding. Mom, of course, is doing her best to remind Carrie of how excited, happy, and yes grateful she originally felt about just getting married. But again, isn’t it always easier to see in others than in ourselves?
Making matters worse, I’ll bet that Carrie has spent months studying pretty pictures of dream weddings on Instagram, Pinterest and even Facebook. And have you seen the online ads for brides and weddings these days? Now, with the prospect of another wedding falling so close to her own, Carrie can’t seem to escape comparing what her wedding will “look like” in comparison to another. It’s hard to be grateful when comparing any dream with another—especially when it seems so close at hand. And I’m guessing she is also worried about what everyone else will be thinking of the two of them. Comparison can be vicious if allowed to grow and fester.
The other example that I encountered came from a friend named Nancy. Nancy and I were having a great conversation about how we had both rightsized our homes and how grateful and happy that made us. Nancy had recently sold a 3,500 sq. foot home in the Northern part of the county and moved to a 2,400 square foot home in Florida. While downsizing for her wasn’t without a few challenges, she agreed that both her and her husband were happy with the move and grateful for the benefits that came from having a smaller home.
Then Nancy happened to be invited to lunch with four new friends. After a great lunch, one of the women offered to drive them all home. The first home they stopped at was amazing. Huge and beautifully landscaped, Nancy felt a ping of envy. The second home was even more spectacular with several stories and a wide sweeping circular driveway. Nancy was now feeling more than just a ping. The third house surpassed both of the others. Custom built in an exclusive neighborhood, it put both of the other homes to shame. At that point, Nancy sheepishly admitted that she felt a little embarrassed to have her new friend drop her off at her far more modest home. It didn’t matter a bit that up until she saw those other women’s home she loved her new home and was grateful for the move. Again, once we start comparing ourselves to others, it is nearly impossible to feel grateful for what we have.
When Teddy Roosevelt said that comparison was the thief of joy he was living in a different time and yet he pointed out a truth that still applies. The thing is, Teddy didn’t have to deal with our overwhelming commercialized world. He also didn’t have to contend with social media constantly offering ads, photos and details from the lives of 500 of our closest friends—not to mention all the retailers trying to sell us stuff. While I’m the first to admit that it is fun and sometimes rewarding to view and be exposed to all sorts of unique and amazing products and experiences, the constant barrage of input can be overwhelming. And when it’s something you consider important, something you believe to be very near and dear to your heart, we are all hyper-susceptible to comparison.
Right now one of the most important things to Carrie is her upcoming wedding. That makes her very vulnerable to comparing everything about it to her own. Nancy just moved to a new part of the world, so it’s easy for her to slip into comparing her home and other aspects of her new life to her new friends. Personally I seldom compare my home, my clothing or accessories, or even the size of my house to others. But I have to admit when I see photos of exotic travel locations, or intriguing new technology pop up on my Facebook page, I too feel the twinge. And as a writer, I am constantly tempted to compare both my blog and my books to other writers. I’m guessing that every one of us has certain areas in our lives where we are prone to comparison. Yet if we do, it’s impossible to feel grateful for what we do have right in front of us.
Again, I think most of us know how necessary gratitude is for creating a happy life—and I’ve written dozens of blog posts about how important it is, myself. But maybe in this day and age it is time to update Teddy Roosevelt’s quote. After all, is it even possible to feel joy without feeling grateful? Like standing at the corner of a dead-end street, one direction is an endless path to the misery of comparison, and the other is a superhighway to gratitude. Each and every one of us has that directional choice to make on a moment-to-moment basis. The SMART decision is to always choose to celebrate, honor and be grateful for what we do have right now.
The human tendency to compare ourselves to others is a big reason why I no longer do Facebook (not to mention it can just be a huge time waster). When I used to surf Facebook, I noticed that I would get bummed out and depressed. Everybody else seemed to be having so much fun: new job here, new house there, maybe a fantastic vacation or two. My life seemed so mundane by comparison. Even though I knew people on Facebook dealt with the same mundane stuff I do and that what they post is not a realistic picture of their true day-to-day life, I still found myself comparing and it made me unhappy. Bye bye Facebook!
Great article, BTW. It’s hard not to compare to others, especially in such a consumerist society as ours, but you have to avoid it or it will bum you out.
Hi Mike! Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. I agree that all of social media can be a downer if you don’t carefully curate it. My husband and I tend to just follow groups that promote positive and uplifting areas that we appreciate–so sometimes it can really give us a boost when needed. And as far as seeing friends having good things happen to them, I realize that we are only seeing some of the “good” they are experiencing and we might never know some of the challenges. As you say, we MUST remember that what we are seeing “is not a realistic picture of their true day-to-day life.” And if we can’t remember that, then doing as you say and leaving it completely is best for us. ~Kathy
I see this all the time! It is absolutely not in our best interest to compare ourselves to others. Sadly it happens all the time and so many of my clients share that they don’t know how to measure success any other way. Its a journey for us all! Learning to stand on our own two feet and be better than we were yesterday.
Hi Misty! Thanks. I agree that it is a journey for us all and one day at a time….and it REALLY helps to have friends that keep us moving that way! ~Kathy
You are so right that everyone falls into the trap of comparison. Some more than others. Even when we feel happy and grateful for our lives, there is always something that strikes our fancy – the grass is always greener on the other side – most likely because of social media.
When someone tells us about their vacation in person, things are put in perspective, we have a discussion, questions, answers, we get the whole picture of we so choose. In blogs, on Facebook and Instagram, only the beauty and the positive seem to be posted – usually in photos. No wonder, we feel those pinges.
While Mark and I are happy with our (frugal) lifestyle – otherwise we’d do something about it and change our ways – I am sometimes jealous, not of material goods, electronics, or financial wealth, but of someone’s travels or book writing. It comes down to feeling guilty about my priorities, sometimes, or worrying I’m making the wrong decisions/choices. I can live with that, though. 🙂
Hi Liesbet! Thank you for sharing some of your own struggles with comparison. While we don’t always compare everything in our lives with others, I’m fairly certain that we all have triggers that are more easily touched by one thing or another. I too see other people’s travels and/or writing and feel that twinge. With other women I see it is with their children/grandchildren, work, or where they live. And I don’t always think it is envy, in many ways I think it turns around on us into self-judgement. Am I enough? Am I doing enough? Am I doing it right? And like you said, feeling “guilty about my priorities, sometimes, or worrying I’m making the wrong decisions/choices…” A real key, at least IMHO is acknowledging those triggers and then knowing that those choices are both something you can “live with” as well as something you’ve chosen and overall still believe is the right choice for you (you KNOW I had to slip in rightsizing somewhere in there don’t you? 🙂 ) Thanks again for adding to the conversation! ~Kathy
Wonderful post, Kathy! So full of truths we all know and constantly forget, so thanks for reminding us!
Coming to a point in life when we stop comparing our fortunes with others, and start being grateful for what we have is one of the BIGGEST lesson’s we have to learn, in order to have any measure of happiness. Otherwise, we face a life of unhappiness and discontent. Once, when my husband and I moved to an affluent neighborhood, and we started attending parties there, we both made comments about the ‘large’ way one neighbor lived. I remember him saying this, “We can’t afford to be envious of them. We need to be grateful for the wonderful lives we have. To do otherwise will break our hearts.” I remember finally ‘getting it’!
Hi Diane! Well I hope you all know that when I write these kinds of posts it is to remind ME (and anyone else who is interested!) of something I need to remember! 🙂 And thank you for sharing a great example from your own life. Thank goodness you and your husband were both in agreement about not getting envious about your neighbors–because I think many families struggle if one of the spouses want to compete and the other doesn’t. By realizing that such a pursuit would “break your hearts” you learned something so important early on. ~Kathy
Dear Kathy!
It is really amazing and beautiful quote with live example.Gratitude and grateful are honor to live happily.
When I was pregnant with my first child, my best friend was also pregnant with her first baby. She and her husband had a sweet little house, and a darling nursery complete with matching baby equipment: bassinet, crib, high chair, stroller. My husband was a private in the Army and we had my old crib that we repainted together, a high chair my mom got from a friend who got it from a restaurant that was closing. Our daughter slept in a basket on the nightstand beside our bed. Nothing matched. And I was terribly envious.
It’s a shame that we can let the comparison of material possessions make us crazy! I hope Carrie can let her insecurities go and enjoy what should be the best day of her life.
Hi Leslie! Thank you so much for sharing that particularly vulnerable time in your life. I can only imagine that when you are young, and especially whenever anyone is doing something “new” that they might have doubts about, they are more susceptible to comparing and feeling envious. As I said in my response to Tom, the good news is that I think as we age we get more and more confident, and more and more aware that comparison and judgement doesn’t help us live a happy life. I too wish that for Carrie and all of us really. ~Kathy
As someone who got married in a backyard, I can assure Carrie that it’s a great way to do it. Less hassle, less complicated, less expensive … and more personal. And as someone who has downsized, I can honestly say I’ve never been embarrassed to have someone come over to my more modest home . . . altho’ I will admit I sometimes covet that spacious old Victorian down the street, closer to downtown, that for sale for $2.7 million!
Hi Tom! Thanks for sharing your own wedding location. Maybe I/we should write about where all of us got married and whether we would do it again. Like you, we got married outdoors in the mountains with a minimum of fuss (not to mention an expense). And good for you for full appreciating your new home. I guess until I wrote this post I didn’t realize how much comparison and caring what other people think of us ties together. While I used to have more of an issue with that, I think the more comfortable I get in my own skin the better able I am to just accept (and be grateful!) for my life, my choices and where I am. Hopefully we all do as life goes on! ~Kathy
Kathy – Yes I catch myself still doing the Compare & Despair quite often. I am trying very hard to be aware of it and then stopping it! Gratitude helps… as does realizing what is really important to me and my life. My choices. Sometimes it feels like my head (awareness and rationalization) is fighting the heart (emotional compare reaction).
Hi Pat! Oh that’s a good one too… “Compare and Despair!” We should all have that statement pop up on our FB feeds don’t you think! And as far as whether the heart and mind are in alignment, I’m guess that my “heart” can often be swayed by an emotional response but I’m guessing that marketing people and anyone trying to sell us or convince us of things use our emotions against us and that can be a slipperly slop for sure. Testing the emotions with the mind might be the best approach? ~Kathy
Hi Kathy, You remind me of wise words from a friend many years ago “it is amazing how uncommon common sense is.” I definitely agree how I can easily catch the behaviours and see the answers with other people. Yet, my perspective is off when it comes to some of my own issues.
Just the word wedding resurrected PTSD for me. I am not a wedding person which is why we were married in a small house with only 2 witnesses and a Justice of the Peace. My daughters did have weddings. Unfortunately, social media does play into all of this.
We just arrived home spending 2 days with friends who have a VERY beautiful, large, luxurious home and I call their garden a “mini Butchart Gardens.” Our home is comfortable, although in another category completely. Your story reminds me how grateful we are to have these friends almost 40 years and we still enjoy each other’s company. We compare notes, not each other’s homes. A thought-provoking post again, Kathy:)
Hi Erica! I love your statement, “We compare notes, not each other’s homes!” That phrase brings up many positive thoughts in my mind. I think that kind of friend is so very important because the people around us can either influence us to stay grounded and grateful or to keep pushing, pushing, pushing. Know what I mean? And good for you for having survived two weddings! I was very fortunate myself because I witnessed two of my sisters getting married in a more traditional way–in a church, family, reception, etc.–and I saw how all that planning and expense could be an extremely nerve-wracking day that everyone was mostly glad it was over. So Thom and I got married outdoors in the mountains with only 7 others in attendance. I still have amazing memories of that day–and there was practically no expense. Things are much different now. ~Kathy
This comparison thing is one of the difficulties that folks encounter with online interactions, particularly Facebook. Let’s face it – no one puts their worst moments or ugliest day out there on social media. So when we read all about our friends awesome vacation, beautiful & perfect children, and gorgeous homes it’s no wonder we get sucked into comparison mode.
Hi Nancy! Isn’t that the truth? And although I personally love seeing people’s travels and fun moments, but it is really important to remember that, like you said, “…no one puts their worst moments or ugliest day out there on social media.” We just have to stay aware of that huh? Let’s keep reminding each other, okay? ~Kathy
Acceptance of what is “different” is so helpful!
Hey Gary! That’s a nice way of thinking of it. I’ve also believed that as humans it is nearly impossible to not observe differences. From everything I read it seems that our brains are wired that way. But we don’t have to “judge” those differences–OR compare them either. Of course to do that it helps to be an aware and conscious person…but that does take practice…at least for me. Thanks for your thoughts on this! And please remind me if I forget! ~Kathy
I think we all at one point fall into the comparison trap, Kathy. I came from modest beginnings and am always grateful for what I have. When I moved into my 1000-sq foot home 31 years ago it was a huge upgrade to our tiny apartment. Now it’s comfortable for me, Hans and the dogs, so no downsizing necessary. I think it is OK to compare to get good ideas, but keep the wishing at bay. My daughter is planning her 2020 wedding and we are keeping it simple, because of finances. She even intends to wear my wedding dress which was hand-sewn by my former mother-in-law, which, back in 1980 cost a whopping $70 for the materials. Funny, someone mentioned social media in the comments. I’ve been told people are somewhat envious of our lifestyle, the places we go, etc. Why that is funny to me is we are NOT extravagant and simply know how to have fun inexpensively and enjoy our leisure time. A great and timely post for these times, Kathy!
Hi Terri! It sounds to me that you have a really good perspective on gratitude and letting go of the comparison trap. Like rightsizing, I think practicing gratitude on a daily basis can become a habit that helps us realize that what we have in our lives is something to appreciate and value–instead of constantly seeking and searching for something else to fulfill us. And even when things aren’t so great…cuz I know you recently had a physical issue, even then, pausing and appreciating all the good is not only good for your mental health, but your physical health too. Let’s keep reminding each other, okay? ~Kathy
I’ve kept this Nike ad (just do it) for years – “I believe you can walk away from your problems. I believe the only person worth comparing myself to is me. I believe any dog under 10 lbs isn’t a dog.” And my apologies to those with small dogs!
Hi Mona! Thank you so much for that quote/ad. I don’t think I’ve ever heard it before but it SURE gave Thom and I a laugh this morning! ~Kathy
A daily/ regular gratitude journal is a wonderful way to alleviate the bad habit of comparing ourselves — to others, or our former selves — or so it seems to me.
Practicing the pause at the onset of each day, giving thanks for breath and being, good health, fingers, toes, and body parts that function in harmony with each other sets the focus as a much more cooperative conduit of joy — or so it seems to me.
Growing up we learn to compare ourselves to everyone from earliest childhood and I can still (gratefully) hear my mother whispering or reprimanding, “You’re better than that!” For the longest time those words were part of my shame-based behaviour control program. Eventually, though I had realized how they helped me improve myself or make wise moral choices, I also saw how I had a chronic habit of comparing myself to everyone. Arrogantly, I became a slightly smug, self-satisfied, overachiever who swaggered slightly below the surface — fooling no one, or so it seems to me.
An attitude of gratitude is a cultivated practice that not only helped me see and appreciate myself a little more accurately — in the sharp, bright light of dawn — it has also helped me realize just how unique and precious we each are in our own right. When we succumb to/ subscribe to the pressures of comparing ourselves to others, a practice rooted in our education system and perpetuated by advertising and marketing in our consumer society, we set ourselves up for the misery of not being good enough or not having enough — or so it seems to me.
At first, it takes a conscious effort to open ourselves to joy every morning. With practice we can cultivate an inner landscape where joy burbles forth like a fountain and not even our harshest inner critics can compare who we are or what we have to who we were or who we might have been — or what we have or don’t have — or so it seems to me.
Hi Ezme! Thank you so much for sharing some of your practices that can help all of us with the “comparison trap!” I agree with all of them and agree that anything that helps make gratitude a habit in our lives is surely helpful. And I also appreciate how you shared how comparison can also come from well-meaning (or not) people like our parents until we have a habit of comparing!!! You are also correct in pointing out that our education system, and so very much in our culture, is set to make comparison a motivation and thus trap us into never feeling like we are good enough or that we can just rest in the present moment. All good stuff. Thanks again for your comments. ~Kathy
Oh Kathy, thank you for this wisdom on “comparison.” It is probably the biggest challenge I’m struggling with right now, in my career/work. I KNOW the insanity, futility and draining impact of comparison, and yet it seduces me again and again. My various inspirational daily readings – spiritual and secular – pretty much pull me out of that vortex, and I recalibrate, finding claritiy and peace in my perspective being restored. Until . . . well, you know the drill. Anyhow, seeing your message today is just what I need. Thank you!
Love,
Karen
Hi Karen! Thank you for your honesty! I tend to believe that we ALL have our areas where we are most vulnerable to comparison. Fortunately I KNOW you well enough to know you have the tools to stay conscious and return to balance but I think it first starts with awareness, right? The other good news is that you and I have been around long enough that we are getting better and better at spotting it when it shows up and then reducing the time we stay stuck. And we also have friends to help us remember lest we forget. If you see me slipping, please remind me. Love back at you, Kathy
What a great post Kathy! In this age of instagram and facebook posting of travels, parties, weddings and adorable pictures it is hard not to feel less. Teddy was right!
Hi Haralee! I think we all need to stay conscious and aware when surfing FB or other social media, not to mention magazines and TV ads! Companies are paying BILLIONS to figure out how to subtly convince us to buy something new just to make our lives perfect. I always try to tell myself that most of those things I see on social media are the BEST of what is happening with others…and I am likely no different. I very, very seldom share anything that isn’t positive. AND I might be a bit overboard sharing some of my travels just because I LOVE taking photos and am thrilled it if makes anyone else as happy as it does me. But I do hope I’m not making people feel like I’m bragging but I suppose that is possible. Finding balance and staying conscious is so very important. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy! Comparison was a big one for me – but I’m slowly but surely moving away from it these days. I don’t use IG and I filter my FB friends – I choose to not have a hilight reel of other people’s lives scrolling in front of me. Instead, I’m hugely grateful for all we have, I love our home and that we’re financially secure (not rich like some of our friends, but we have more than enough). I can honestly say that I don’t envy anyone these days and that’s a lovely place to view the world from. Another great post 🙂
Hi Leanne! Good for you for working on something so very important! And staying off FB & IG as much as possible is probably good for us all. And as a fellow writer I’m sure you are also have to guard against comparing your work with others. Was it Brene Brown or someone else who said, “We tend to compare our beginning work with someone’s best accomplishments.” While it’s nice to improve ourselves, comparing ourselves to others is violence towards ourselves. And how GREAT that you are happy in your home and with your life! Isn’t that what we all strive for when it comes down to it! Thanks for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy