During January Thom and I decided to experiment with our diet. We had attended a lecture in December that warned us about how eating wheat and sugar was detrimental to a healthy and aging brain. That caught our attention. So during the month we avoided bread, pasta or anything containing wheat. We also eliminated desserts, juice or any beverage with added sugars. While it wasn’t without challenges, it wasn’t that difficult either—mostly because we were doing it together. Perhaps with Valentine’s Day right around the corner, it’s SMART to remember that some of the greatest gifts of long and happy relationships are our collective health, happiness, and well-being.
I wasn’t surprised to discover that research backs this up. People who are happy and report high life satisfaction tend to be healthier. Numerous studies support these facts showing that happy people have a stronger immune system, better heart function, are more resilient against stress, and even have a longer life regardless of their baseline fitness, differences in demographics, and even life circumstances. Happier people are healthier people.
Hand-in-hand is research that proves that those people in long-term relationships, either marriage or cohabitation, are positively influenced in the areas of life satisfaction and wellbeing. This is especially pronounced when the couple considers their partner to be their best friend. A particular study completed in 2015 by the “National Bureau of Economic Research” reports, “Those whose spouse or partner is also considered their best friend get almost twice as much additional life satisfaction from marriage or cohabitation as do others.”
Of course, what isn’t emphasized in many of these studies is that people who survive an unhappy relationship and divorce are likely much happier by themselves alone. I’ve always believed that being single is far better than being married to the wrong person. And let’s not forget, as author Wayne Dyer said at one time, “If you are unhappy living in a particular town, chances are that moving to another town won’t change that.” On the flipside, if you are happy in one town you’ll probably be equally happy in the next. Wherever you go, and with whom you are with, there you are.
But beyond the abundance of studies that reveal that happier people are healthier, married or not, a new study announced in 2016 took the information deeper. William J. Chopik from Michigan State University and Ed O’Brien from University of Chicago wanted to know if just living with a happy person could also affect a person’s health in a positive way. They realized from previous research that “social contagion” plays a big part in a person’s well-being, so they wanted to see if something similar occurred with a person’s health. (In other words, like a contagion, we indirectly “infect” the people around us by our moods, beliefs, and actions either positively or negatively. ) What this new study wanted to discover is whether, “self-health is independently predicted by the happiness of one’s spouse.”
Also important to notice, they deliberately studied over 22,000 married adults from age 50 to 94. Not only were they curious about how health might be affected as people age, great interest exists from the government and other groups to identify factors that may benefit and enhance health in our aging population. This study confirms that happier people are healthier people and at the same time offered evidence that happier partners lead to better self-health—even though the partner makes no conscious effort on their own. They proved it in five significant ways:
- The happiness level of our partners influences both our individual health and our behavior. As the study states, “…participants with happy partners were significantly more likely to report better health, experience less physical impairment, and exercise more frequently than participants with unhappy partners, even after accounting for the impact of their own happiness and other life circumstances. Again, none of these effects meaningfully diminished over time suggesting that having a happy partner could afford surprisingly long-lasting effects on a person’s own health.”
- The happiness level of one partner influences the other regardless of that person’s own initial happiness. And, as the study states, “In most cases, the effects of the partner happiness on an individual’s health increase over time.”
- Other people, and most especially our romantic partner, influence us by their very presence. This impacts our own feelings, behaviors and the outcomes of our lives.
- Gender did not seem to change the results. In other words, regardless of whether you are a wife, a husband or any other type of partner, the results stayed true. Also relevant was, “The meaningful benefits of partner happiness are likely cumulative in nature and emerge only after significant time spent together;”
- No “self” lives in isolation. Those around us influence us on many levels. As the study explains, “…the self lives in rich social contexts comprised of other people who likely influence this process, perhaps no more so than a romantic partner. The current study demonstrates that happy partners seem to substitute as proxies for a happy self. Precisely because happiness is thought to fuel energy, happy spouses may devote more effort to improving the lives of their unhappy counterparts, who may be less motivated to do so on their own.”
The report goes on to explain how a happy romantic partner may likely influence the health of the other partner beyond that partner’s own involvement. They speculate it happens in three ways:
- If one needs assistance, a happier partner is more likely to provide caretaking. Unhappy partners, not so much.
- A happy partner is more likely to help sync up healthier behaviors within the relationship with things like better sleep routines, better food choices, etc.
- A happier partner makes life easier, which leads to greater satisfaction and wellbeing in the other partner (regardless of that partner’s own happiness set-point) so that they are more likely to avoid self-destructive behaviors like binge drinking or drug abuse.
As most of us know, emotional and behavioral contagion (see definition above) is a well-known fact. In other words, the people we hang out with on a regular basis have a subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) influence on our moods and our actions. This study goes further by confirming that the people around us, especially our romantic and long-term partners, can add or detract from our good health. This has far-reaching implications as we age.
So how did Thom and my diet experiment work out in January? While neither of us saw a radical change in our health (we started out healthy so that didn’t change) we did feel it was a positive direction in our lives. Cutting back on sugar, processed foods, breads, and pastas is surely a positive move for everyone. And like I said, doing it together with my best friend made it both relatively easy and even enjoyable.
Valentine’s Day is often a celebration of love between two people who are just beginning to realize how love can influence their happiness. Perhaps it would be SMART for all of us to realize that those we are closely connect with are influenced mentally, emotionally and physically by not only our love, but our level of happiness. Simply put, instead of giving flowers or candy this year, maybe our feelings of well-being and joy are the greatest gifts we can offer those we love.
After my husband’s cancer two years ago, we cut out sugar and made some other dietary changes (not that we were eating unhealthy before). No more processed or red meat, no more products heavy in sugar, only using certain oils and picking products off the shelves after checking for “bad” ingredients. We are on a plant-based diet now and have been feeling pretty good since then. We still splurge once in a while and haven’t cut out gluten or carbs yet, but we are doing our best with everything else. 🙂
Hi Liesbet! Thank you for your feedback on your new food plan. I am so happy to hear that it was a positive one for you AND your husband. I think that makes all the difference (doing it together) don’t you? We are two months into our change and so far so good. We are both feeling good and the diet continues to be mostly easy. The hardest thing is going out to eat because just about place offers sandwiches or Mexican food with tortillas. We are staying away from all grain, rice included so it makes it a bit tricky ordering out. Good luck to you and your husband and may we all be healthier by our food choices! ~Kathy
It is always fascinating how the basic fundamentals – that often seem cliche – are the core to health and happiness. Its like the Occams razor of life, if its simple and been a baseline for civilization for eons its probably good for you. Enjoyed the article, companionship is absolutely a vital component in happiness and both mental and physical well-being.
Hi N Griffin! Welcome to SMART Living. And thank you for your observations. As you say, it is usually the simple baselines that continually ring true and most profound for us all if we are paying attention. Thanks for your thoughts. ~Kathy
What I especially like about this is your photo of you and Thom smiling while on your bikes! Leisure time also generates endless levels of happiness! Congrats for getting through the diet challenge. Honestly, if I left all the sugar out of my diet, I would NOT be happy. A bit of chocolate really makes me happy, too much does not any more. I am so blessed that, in midlife, I have a wonderful husband (going on 3 yrs married), fab friends and family and meaningful work and hobbies!
Hi Terri! I so agree that doing fun things together generates happiness….and like this post says, increases our good health too! And no worries, I haven’t left ALL the sugar out of my diet–just anything added. I am finding that by holding true to my desire to avoid added sugar that I’m not missing it that much. Of course, like I said before, I am still having wine (and a margarita or two) now and then. There are limits to my will power. But it sounds like you are super happy in your relationship and that is one strong way to stay healthy (and happy) in the days to come. Thanks for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
I honestly believe this to be true. When I was sick and they didn’t think I was going to survive. It was my husband and best friend the gave me the strength I needed to fight it. I came out of it with lasting effects, but he never left my side for 6 long weeks he slept beside my hospital bed on a cot.I remember everyone had to wear gowns and glove to come into my room because of my immune system and he wouldn’t let housekeeping clean my room. Every day he mopped the floors, changed my sheet and took care of me.He made sure not a germ one crossed over that threshold Every morning they’d drop off the cleaning supplies. They all loved him. I could feel his love and strength pushing me.
Hi Rena! Thank you for providing your own personal experience with this. I think it is the sign of a deep and true love and friendship when a person goes to such great lengths to nurse the one they love. Not only does it “help” in all the obvious reasons, the nurturing to one’s soul is so very healing in and of itself. I too have been nursed by my beloved when I was in pretty bad shape and I remember that feeling of caring to this day. We are truly blessed to have that whether it be a lover, a friend or family. Such a gift. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts. ~Kathy
I read those “stats” to my husband Kathy – he’s very much of the opinion that we are responsible for our own happiness…..which is true, but relationships still have an impact and it’s nice to know that you can have a positive influence on each other.
Hi Leanne! Yes, isn’t that a new and interesting way of thinking about happiness? I too tend to think that we are all personally responsible for our own happiness 100%. But by the same token, I also know that I am STRONGLY influenced by the thoughts and feelings of Thom. To deny that would be a lie. While I continually remind myself that no one can make me happy (or unhappy) except myself, perhaps I’d be better off just accepting that those close to me have the ability to help or hinder–even if the final decider is me. What do think about that? If science is proving that a happy spouse can make us healthier, and social contagion has proven that just having healthy and fit friends influences us as well, then I think we must recognize that our moods are equally influenced by those around us in all sorts of way. Thanks for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
I like it Kathy, “Feelings of well being” as a great Valentine’s gift. I have seen happy long term marriages and unhappy ones. Those in the unhappy died decades sooner. They unhappy ones used the 1950’s/1960’s excuse, staying together for the children, who in turn they were making unhappy!
Hi Haralee! Yes, isn’t it affirming when science backs up what most of us intuitively know already? When Thom and I met and fell in love so many years ago we vowed to each other that we didn’t want to follow the example of either of our parents–that of not being really happy but staying together just for the kids. We knew our parents weren’t happy and yet they “stuck it out” which in many ways shows children that marriage isn’t that rewarding. Instead, I would far rather demonstrate to others that we deserve to be happy (either together or separate) rather than slog it out for other people’s sake. I can’t imagine parents telling their children that their happiness doesn’t matter and they just have to do it anyway–yet their ongoing example might be showing that to their kids every day. Something to think about for sure. Thanks for bringing that up. ~Kathy
Congratulations on your positive change!!!
What a HAPPY couple!
Hi Diana! Thank you. We really have been blessed. ~Kathy
As ‘nutrition’ is my focus word for 2017, I found this post of great interest!
In addition, I agree with Nora and other readers: “Our feelings of well-being and joy are the greatest gifts we can offer those we love.” What sage (and timely) advice, Kathy! Thank you for sharing.
Hi Donna! Good for you for picking “nutrition” as a focus word this year. That’s likely something we could all use more of for sure. I think many of us realize now (and we can hardly ignore it because it is EVERYWHERE) that what we eat influences our health and happiness in so many ways. While I’ve worked on my mental, emotional and spiritual life for quite a while, I sort of let me nutritional side slide for far too many years. Hopefully I’m making up for lost time now and overall feel really great. And as the point of the post says, doing it with a loved one or close friend helps a great deal. Thanks for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
This is not surprising at all. Thanks for sharing the study stats and information too, Kathy. Social contagion is a real thing. I experienced it over many years (not in a good way) during my marriage. Who we hang out with can really affect how we feel about ourselves. I’m happy to say that I’m with someone who is truly my best friend. He ‘has my back’ all the time. What a big difference!
Good for you guys on changing your diet! I could cut back easily but not eliminate the yummies from my diet. 🙂
Hi Lisa! I am so happy to learn that you’ve found a best friend that loves and supports you in the way that I believe we all deserve. And yeah, sometimes we have to kiss a few frogs on the way to finding the special one. The trick is not to get too invovled with those frogs if we can help it!!!
And thanks for your encouragement on our food experiment. I probably wouldn’t be as interested in giving it a try if I didn’t have a few health issues I want to see if I can correct naturally. But as I said in the post, it helps so much to do it with the person you live with. We also had another couple who was doing it along with us. so that’s been even more encouragement. I won’t know for a few months if it has helped to resolve my health issues but I am feeling great and that’s what’s most important right? Thanks so much for your comment. ~Kathy
Many truths here, but two stand out for me: The first one, if you have survived an unhappy relationship or marriage, you may be better off alone, makes a great deal of sense, although one should never cut off the possibility of a new relationship that CAN work! Wayne Dyer’s assertion that moving to a different place may not make you happier than you were at your old place, makes sense as well, since, as you say, when you get to your new place, there you are! I would add the qualification that there is always room for change, and if you have undergone therapy or a life-changing event, this may not old true!
Hi Diane! Thanks for sharing what stood out for you…as a blogger you know that kind of feedback is nice. I don’t have any research to prove that first one except for the fact that I can’t even imagine staying in a relationship that was making me miserable. Of course not having children would make it an easier decision for sure–but then, that’s just not how I roll. And I completely agree that there is “always room for change” in all of us, and that’s why that it is probably best for us to take a good hard look at ourselves before expecting anyone else to make us healthy or happy. If we are the “common denominator” that looking within first is preferable, even if that means we move to the next town!!! Thanks for your good thoughts on this! ~Kathy
Oh, yes. It definitely helps to have a partner with an upbeat attitude towards life and self. I’ve seen the downside of that, more than once.
As always a well-researched, thoughtful article. It’s apparent to me, time and time again, that you and Thom practice what you preach.
Hi Walker! Thanks…Thom and I do march to the same drum (at least most of the time!) But then after 40 years it tends to be pretty automatic too. It helps that we had the same values to start with but we have literally grown up together and meshed in so many ways. Perhaps if we hadn’t been so compatible to begin with we would have quit long ago, but there has always been enough alignment in our thinking to help us work through the rough spots. With that said, I still consider us very fortunate and am happy to see some of the research that helps to explain why. Thanks for checking in! ~Kathy
I can’t imagine the pain of living with someone who isn’t happy by nature. A positive outlook colors everything and laughter and smiles can help to smooth over just about every rough patch (and we all have those now and then).
I’m curious about your dietary experiment. Was it just a one-month change, or have you decided that the positive results (assuming you experienced them) warrant a life-long adjustment?
Hi Janis! I so agree–if I had married someone deeply unhappy I am not sure how I would have coped. My heart goes out to those who are or were blind-sided by that because I know that “depression” can appear for lots of people as time goes by–I’m thinking of someone as brilliant as Robin Williams. What this research shows is that we are influenced (like it or not) so we need to respond to that awareness in the best way we can.
And as far as our experiment, I have continued to read and research so much about this new way of eating that for the time being, we will continue. A big reason is that I’ve watched my blood-sugar rise over the last 10 years in spite of the fact that I never eat added sugar, don’t drink sodas or juice of any kind, and don’t eat any candy so I wanted to see if breads, pasta and “wheat” was the main culprit. And although it hasn’t been much, we have both dropped a bit of weight so that will benefit us no matter what. Not sure how long we will stick with it, but so far so good. ~Kathy
Right on Kathy! I feel the same way. I have a fun post coming out on Monday with similar ideas. Love all of your stats, it is terrific to read your gut feelings and philosophies substantiated by research! Love this!
Hi Suzanne! I always love it when friends and I are thinking similar thoughts. And I completely agree that it is wonderful to find research that backs up many of these claims. I’ll look forward to reading your post! ~Kathy
Fascinating research, Kathy! And all of it makes sense. I mean, if you’re living with another happy person, it will affect your life positively. And the converse is true (I can vouch for that! Lol). I just relish my solitude, and as you say, after being quite unhappy, I’m SO much happier now. And blessed to have good and dear friends, who bolster me.
On the sugar note–Good! I truly believe in this research. Funny thing too–after you’ve abstained from sugar and white starches, you don’t want them. And the effect it has on the inflammation process is amazing!
Go you and Thom!
Beautifully said–Simply put, instead of giving flowers or candy this year, maybe our feelings of well-being and joy are the greatest gifts we can offer those we love.
Can there be anything more important for a happy relationship? I think this is essential.
Hi Nora! Isn’t this so important to remember? I think when we are younger we get so caught up in “external” ways to express our love but hopefully by the time we are our age we know what is REALLY important. Thanks for checking in! ~Kathy
Hi Susan! I agree that is research is so interesting too. There was actually a lot more–especially on social contagion and how we all influence each other happiness, exercise, how we eat, what we weigh–but I decided to spare you all the details. I think it is a both/and situation because obviously, we all have the greatest control over our own personal happiness and health, but we must never under-estimate the power that others have to influence us as well. Friends and lovers can alway add (or subtract) to the quality of our life! And yes to the sugar/grain thing too—it sounds like it is something that you are doing too? Much as I love sweets, I simply can’t eat the way I used to so I might as well go for the healthy choices right? Thanks for the encouragement! ~Kathy