Since turning 60, I’ve been increasingly interested in what it means to grow older in a vibrant and purposeful way. Much like my work with rightsizing, I see aging not as an inevitable loss or sacrifice, but instead as an opportunity to get to the heart of what really matters to each of us as living, breathing beings on this planet—and then sharing that with our community and the world. Plus, with so many of us nearing retirement age, and yet living many years after, isn’t is SMART to recognize that making the most of those years seldom happens by chance? So instead of merely growing old and waiting for the unavoidable, learning what makes us whole and happy is worthy of our attention.
What do I mean by growing whole? For most of us, I think becoming whole can be narrowed down to four elements.
- Finding and sharing our purpose;
- Being self-aware, conscious and mindful;
- Recognizing our connection to others and the planet as living beings;
- Connecting and balancing our body, mind and spirit.
A man who consistently teaches others to find and share their purpose is Richard J. Leider. Last year I read the book Life Reimagined that Leider coauthored and found it inspiring and useful. Even better is when I learned that Leider will be giving a keynote speech at a conference on Cohousing (Aging Better Together) that I will be attending in May. In preparation for what I might hear there, I did a little research and found that the topic of purpose is key to his work.
Leider is convinced that even though we all want to have fun and enjoy our leisure as we age, having purpose is far more important. In fact, he boldly says, “Without that purpose, you grow old.” The good news is that he offers us a “default” purpose that most of us will likely feel comfortable using. That default is “growing and giving.” If every single morning we each woke up and asked ourselves, “how will I grow today and what will I give?” that question can provide us with unlimited purpose for the rest of our lives. Then almost automatically as we explore “growing and giving,” we likely will find unique and exciting ways to bring our purpose into the world.
When you approach aging with the intention of sharing your purpose, becoming self-aware and more conscious is almost required. Again, this approach fits hand-in-hand with rightsizing on an internal level by urging us to become more conscious of our own motivations, what we have learned in our lives, what is important to us, and why we believe we matter. The more mindful and aware we are, the more we will learn to love and accept ourselves. We also feel freer to share that with the world.
On the flip side, without awareness, we can grow bored and tired of just cramming our days full of leisure activities. An audio talk I listened to this morning about retirement said that many people when they first retire are convinced that retirement means they can finally just think about themselves for once in their lives. In other words, many have spent the majority of their life doing things they felt obligated to do and now retired, they feel free to let all that go. But is it ever that easy to fully let go of obligation and guilt if you’ve lived your life that way? And perhaps an even better question is, why not replace that guilt and obligation with the gift of your true Self for the rest of your life? That will benefit you, and everyone else as well.
Next, I think that recognizing our connection to others and the world is a critical element of becoming whole. When you think about it, is it even possible to be whole when you consider yourself a separate and distinct individual without connection? Plus, it is becoming increasingly apparent through study after scientific study that isolation is extremely detrimental to our health. I think the latest I’ve read is that deep connections can add up to seven years to your life. So regardless of whether you want to extend your connection to all of life on the planet and what that means on a cosmic level, just growing and enhancing close personal relationships with a circle of friends will help to keep you alive and happy as you age.
Last but not least, I think the road to wholeness requires us to balance our health, our mind, and our spirit into one being. That union means that we are a complete system, not just made up of individual and separate parts. While some of us like to think we are spiritual beings dragging a body around, there are equally as many who believe our body/mind is primary and any “spirit” is just a chemical reaction in our brain. I tend to believe we are all of it. As whole beings, we are body, mind, and spirit infinitely connected to everything else.
For even great clarification, recognizing what is not whole is also valuable. Here are a few things I think makes for a divided or fractured life:
- Never taking the time to discover your passions, needs or place in the world.
- Following the advice of everyone else and never listening to our inner voice.
- Denying parts of you that don’t look attractive or “nice.”
- Thinking that it doesn’t really matter what you do because it won’t affect anyone else.
- Letting fear rule your life and refusing to interact with others.
- Believing that you are an island and don’t need others.
- Thinking of yourself in only one small dimensional way without acknowledging your past, present and future.
- Spending your days so busy that you never have time to think about what really matters.
- Working only on your staying young and healthy while feeding your mind nothing but gossip, television and junk food for the brain.
- Going numb to what is happening in your body, with your friends, or your world. Or, as Richard Leider says, we succumb to “…inner kill—the condition of dying without know it.”
No matter what our age, we all want to believe we matter. Becoming whole answers that need on every level. Having a purpose, staying aware and mindful, recognizing our connection to others and balancing our body, mind and soul all lead to a sense of wholeness. From there, instead of fearing the prospect of growing older, the SMART thing to do is to put our focus on growing more whole. Then no matter what occurs, we will be able to experience the best in ourselves and offer that to others as long as we can draw a breath.
Flickr Photo Credit
Rightsizing (love the term!) extends not only in the physical space we occupy, but in our head space as well. Your advice to funnel our attention to the things which serve us and bring joy contains great wisdom.
Hi Betsy! YES! Good for you for catching the fact that rightsizing internally is as important as rightsizing our houses and our stuff! Not everyone catches that right off but I think it indicates that you’ve already done a lot to rightsize your life. Of course, part of the fun is that it is never over, but instead it continues the experience of “growing and giving!” Thanks for adding this all to the conversation. ~Kathy
Wow. So many people do “die without knowing it”. I like the concept of growing whole and like to think that is what real maturity is. How lucky we are to have the chance to do it when so many are denied it.
Hi Carol! Isn’t that the truth. Instead of just thinking of a long life as merely getting older, growing whole makes the journey a pleasure. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
Such a great post and an important reminder that getting older doesn’t have to mean slowing down. It can mean having the time to find yourself and celebrating your passions.
Hi Lois! Thank you so much for your comment. I know you write a great deal about the importance of travel and celebrating your life on your own blog so I’m not surprised this one caught your eye. So much better to find and share your passions than just “slow down!’ ~Kathy
My favorite part is “how will I grow today and what will I give?” I’ll have to put that on my bathroom mirror to read every morning. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Lois! Thank you for stopping by SMART Living. I agree, isn’t that quote great and something we could all read every day? And I love the name of your blog. I am also a “happy self-publisher” after having my first two books published by small independents. Much, much better to do it myself. Good for you for spreading the word. ~Kathy
Interesting food for thought at any age. Finding purpose and a balanced life is important at any age. Thanks for sharing these great tips.
Hi Shari! Yes….you are so very correct! Being balanced and seeking wholeness is a worthy intention regardless of our age. Thanks for stopping by and pointing that out! ~Kathy
We’ve been burdened with great financial difficulties in the last few years and I can’t even imagine when we’ll ever be able to retire. Beyond that I agree with everything you discussed and love reading your explanations on every point. You are a one-woman cheering section on growing older the right way, with purpose, passion and persistence. Lovely, Kathy.
Hi Cathy! Thank you–I can’t imagine a better compliment than being called “a one-woman cheering section on growing older the right way, with purpose, passion and persistence.” Your life and your blog are testimony that you share such encouragement everywhere you go! I am sorry to hear that things have been financially difficult for you lately but from what I read on your blog you continue to share you light with us all in spite of those circumstances. While I don’t doubt for a minute that the challenges of that along with your health can be hard, it also makes you an extremely powerful advocate for others in a similar position. Never, ever lose sight of all the good you offer to others! ~Kathy
As I prepare for retirement in the next 3-4 years, I have so many interests that I’m concerned about being too busy. I know I am too busy now, and have been looking at my life and wondering how to create more down time. I want to continue to learn and grow as I age. I’m going to check out this book. Thank you for the inspiration.
Hi Molly! Thanks for checking in on this. Yes, busy-ness is a big problem. In this day and age it is so easy to get caught up in running around trying to do everything that we can forget what is most important. I urge you, and all of us really, to take the time to figure out what brings us happiness and what we have to share with others, and the book might be a good place to start. Did you read my review yet, it might help you even more: http://smartliving365.com/reimagine-right-sized-life/ …if you do read the book, let me know what you think! ~Kathy
Your post is very clear and, I think, absolutely right. I’ve come up with those things that are most important to me, in a particular order: spirituality, health, community, curiosity, and purpose. I find that when my life is aligned with these values, I’m content and happy.
Hi Linda! Thank you for adding your thoughts to this post. I think your list of what is important to you is a great indicator that your wholeness is far more important to you than your age. Regardless of what the number might be, as long as we are living with that kind of focus, we are making the most of our time here. ~Kathy
As always, excellent, well-researched food for thought Kathy. Thanks!
I have been most guilty of: “Following the advice of everyone else and never listening to our inner voice.” Now that I have the time and silence to do so consistently, I am finally discovering the beauty of being fully present in this moment. What a marvelous feeling that is!
Hi Laura Lee! Thank you for joining the conversation. How GREAT that you’ve found a place (not to mention grown to the time in your life) where you can be fully present in the moment. Like many of the things we don’t even know we don’t know when we are young, taking the time to celebrate your growth and wholeness is essential. Good for you! ~Kathy
I think we all, at times, are tempted to fall into fractured life thinking. It can be like a drug, and I don’t know why. Is it self-pity? Or a sign of desperation? Or some kind of self-rationalization? So we all have to remind ourselves, as you say, that “recognizing our connection to others and the world is critical” and the more connected we are “the more we will learn to love and accept ourselves.”
Hi Tom! Thanks for adding to the conversation as a man. I do tend to get more female commenters for sure! For one thing, I do believe that men and boys in our society are taught to keep things separate. Of course everything I’ve read about the male brain is that it is easier for men to compartmentalize things. While that is a real benefit when you want to focus and keep yourself from being distracted, it can fracture your thinking when it comes to thinking holistically. Of course, like so many things I believe that just being aware of your tendency to do something can illuminate it enough to make changes if you want to. The rest of course is where the work lies. Thanks again for your comment.
This is also so deeply true Kathy – what is the point in getting older if we don’t take the time to develop who we are based on all that life experience, and they work out ways to continue growing and sharing it with others. Nobody wants to die inside long before the outside is dead!
Hi Leanne! Did you like that quote in my photo-graphic. Thom found it and I thought it added just the right amount of lightheartedness to this topic. Keeping our minds and hearts flexible and open is always important. And I love what you said, “Nobody wants to die inside long before the outside is dead!” ~Kathy
Boy, you sure hit the nail on the head with this one. It’s like have sneaked into my mind of late. I hope I’m on a path to get to the point where everything is equally right-sized. I have some demons to face, but I feel as if I may finally be ready and then who knows what. I have to learn that sense of community. I’ve always been that island alone. It’s hard to put yourself out there when anxiety rears its ugly head and gives you a million and one reasons why you should just stay where you are and that my friend is the same as death.
Hi Rena! Glad you liked it….and glad you appreciated how I tied it into rightsizing. That’s why I like that word so much, it fits in so many cases when you think of it as a mindset rather than a destination. And keep in mind I don’t think we ever arrive, because if a big part of our purpose here on the planet is to grow and evolve, then the journey is the point. But one thing I feel very deeply about myself is that we are all in this together. You, me and everyone either stands on the shoulders of those who have gone before, or help and support those that come after. Keeping that dynamic going is plenty of purpose for us all. Thank you for your thoughts about this! ~Kathy
Your list gets right to the heart of the matter, Kathy. I never want to be an island. I will always need others. I don’t want to be fearful in this world where there is so much beauty and love if you only try to seek it out in places you would be surprised to find it. And I never want to diminish what is me, what I am capable of doing and being. My daughter told me just this morning that my grandson Brennan wasn’t happy when I denigrated my artwork. He’s five. Essa needs to believe that she’s good at drawing, Brennan said. He has recently decided to he wants to illustrate books. Maybe we can be a team!! Beth
Hi Beth! How awesome that your grandson is teaching you such an important awareness!!! May we all find coaches like that to remind me of what our soul already knows! And what a GREAT idea about co-writing a book with your grandson. The benefits of that reach all over the place in every direction. I say “Go for it!” ~Kathy
Such beautiful insights, Kathy! Life lived without purpose–at any age–is such a disservice. Both to the individual and the human community. We need each other’s gifts!
I especially love, “When you approach aging with the intention of sharing your purpose, becoming self-aware and more conscious is almost required. ”
I’d never thought of it in those terms, but yes!
Thank you for this!
Hi Susan! I think we all know on some level how important purpose is but sometimes I also think it gets lost in the shuffle of a busy life. But then as we start getting older and looking around at what used to work but isn’t necessarily anymore, it’s SMART to start asking ourselves questions. And a BIG part of living SMART is awareness. Even then, and although I know THAT—I still need to remind myself over and over again what is important. I’m just glad when my readers appreciate it too! Thank you. ~Kathy
A very inspiring piece. So many good suggestions here!
The word “spiritual” used to make me uncomfortable, but now I like to think of the spiritual aspect of my life as basically consisting of whatever is not simply material or physical. The need for connections to others is part of that. So is the need for solitude, and the quest for things that are beautiful in my eyes and that bring me peace in my mind and a sense of completeness. A lot of that feels similar to some of what you are talking about with the idea of wholeness. I like the idea of growing and giving as goals, too. That seems like a really good thing to strive for.
Hi Carol! Thank you (as always!) to adding your insights to this post. I know so much of the time I am just reminding people of what they already know (including myself) but I think in this day and age we need that to counteract all the opposite info that is out and about. I “get” that not everyone likes the “spiritual” word because there can be a lot of baggage with it, but I tend to use it largely in the context you do–something bigger than ourselves and beyond the physical. In other words, I think we are both pointing in the same direction! And yes, doesn’t that idea of purpose work for us all? ~Kathy
Excellent post Kathy. I think the 10 items you list for a divided or fractured life are too readily available on TV and social media negative stories and from the fear mongers. Their noise has to be reduced and taken with a grain of salt. Unfortunately some people have a hard time with this as well.
Hi Haralee! Yes, those 10 are not that difficult to imagine are they. And hopefully I’ve avoided them, at least the majority of time! I think when a person is young it is so easy to think of ourselves as singular and feel invincible. And like the story that goes, it’s easy for us to take credit when something goes right in our world and we’ve triumphed, but much harder when things are tough or it looks like we’ve failed–and then blame everyone else for what went wrong! I really believe we are all connected and that what we do to the “least among us” we do to ourselves. Focusing on that wholeness and connection changes everything I think. Hopefully we do it early rather than later! Thank you so much for adding to the conversation! ~Kathy
Kathy, this is such an important subject. Just a few decades ago I watched my grandfather go downhill the day he was forced into retirement. He had the mindset that his job was to work and provide for his family and had very few hobbies, aside from his garden, and didn’t believe in hanging out with the guys. He was lost in retirement and soon drove the rest of us crazy following us around, cleaning the house to perfection and just being underfoot. But his retirement also led to illness. A once healthy man who never had a single childhood illness or ever caught a cold suddenly had illness after illness and developed serious health challenges of diabetes, heart disease, and strokes.
My life had a different trajectory although I was raised with a work ethic and also found myself lost when I left the career path to raise my children. In time I developed my own interests and hobbies and when my children were grown and I had to face the fact that my body was slowing down I had to look for ways to feel I was making a difference. i could easily slip into depression and give up but my desire to leave something behind keeps me going.
Hi Lois! Thank you. I too believe it is important and worthy of our intentions. Thom and I went to see a documentary this week sponsored by a local group on “positive aging” and the topic was reinventing nursing homes. It wasn’t called that or I’m not sure we would have gone–because that’s usually such a depressing topic. But the movie featured a new idea about nursing homes called “The Green House Movement.” We had thought it would possibly be about sustainable housing and/or cohousing. Instead, it is a movement to transform nursing homes into places where the elderly or physically incapacitated live and GROW instead of just wait it out until death. And while still a challenging subject I was reminded that unless we set intentions about where AND how we want to live no matter what our age or physical abilities, we could just end up wherever…including the tragically sad nursing homes that we all dread. Far better to approach the topic with optimism and possibility don’t you think? AND as usual, I know that your life example that you share on your blog, continues to inspire me and all your readers. Thanks for you input Lois! ~Kathy