A couple of months ago I received a recommendation on Amazon that caught my eye. The title was Succeed—How We Can Reach Our Goals by Heidi Grant Halvorson, Ph.D. Frankly, the title didn’t impress me much. Haven’t we all read too many books that claim the same thing, only to nod in agreement while stifling a yawn? What hooked me instead were the reviews. Dozens of reviewers said, “It’s a smart, fun, highly practical look at what we ‘scientifically’ know about setting and achieving goals.” As a person who enjoys learning why people do what they do (or don’t do what they should do), this book backs up its claims with scientific research. And while the pursuit of goals is the focus of the book, it is done in terms of behavior psychology and research. In fact, a key strategy to learning how a person pursues a goal is to discover whether they like to “Be-Good” or “Get-Better.” That choice says a lot about us and often determines whether or not we eventually succeed.
So what’s the difference? A person with Be-Good mindset approaches a goal with the intention of letting others know that they have the ability to do what is being asked of them and that all they have to do is prove it. A person with a Get-Better mindset is focused on developing their abilities and learning new skills. As Halvorson says, “You can think of it as the difference between wanting to show that you are smart versus wanting to get smarter.”
In many ways the Be-good and the Get-better mindset mirrors the perspective of Carol Dweck in her work on the “fixed” versus the “growth” mindset. While I don’t need to repeat what I said in my earlier post, it is important to remember that a person can either perceive their abilities as being set from birth, and that they need only to be demonstrated (fixed), or as something that is flexible and can be developed and enhanced (growth). Whichever mindset a person chooses can often determine their success and happiness during their lifetime.
Going further, Halvorson explains in detail how a Be-Good perspective differs from a Get-Better perspective in terms of achieving goals in day-to-day life. As the term Be-Good implies, a primary focus of a person with this intention is to constantly look outside themselves to confirm their success. Comparison is therefore a bigger problem because a Be-Gooder always needs to check their performance with everyone else to see how they size up. Meanwhile, someone with a Get-Better perspective is more into self-awareness and personal progress as they proceed along the path of change. Unfortunately, because I frequently struggled to be the “good daughter, good wife, good person” as a young woman, the limitations of the Be-Good mindset were all too familiar.
One of the more interesting ways to compare these two perspectives is in the terms of birth-order. In research by Halvorson, firstborn siblings were “significantly” more likely to have Get-Better perspective using self-referenced standards. On the other hand, second-born children were more likely to pursue Be-Good goals with a tendency to compare their performance to others. Again, as a second born sibling, my tendency towards the Be-Good attitude was set early on.
More insight on this mindset comes from the student achievement studies that compare Asian students with American students in terms of science and math. Ever since 1995 when the tests were first administered, American children have significantly been outperformed by peers in China, Korea, Singapore and Japan. Why? According to Halvorson the answer is simple, “Americans believe in ability, and East Asians believe in effort.” In other words, ability is a Be-Good approach while effort is a Get-Better approach. Research of these differences show that Americans typically believe failure occurs due to lack of ability, training, luck and effort. On the other hand, Chinese mothers believe failure is mostly just “lack of effort.”
Because Americans tend to place such a large emphasis on measuring abilities (i.e. standardized testing, IQ tests, etc.) we primarily emphasize Be-Good goals for our students and that is playing out on a global scale. On a personal basis I never felt I was “good” at math in school so never applied much effort. The truth was, because I never tried to expand my knowledge in math (English was so much easier), I have no idea how well I could have done if had made the effort to learn.
So why does knowing about this help us on a day-to-day basis? As Halvorson says, “goals are like lenses in a pair of glasses. The goals you pursue determine not only what you see but how you see it—the things you notice and how you interpret what happens to you.” For that reason it is very important that we recognize our mindset and figure out ways to insure that our goals reflect what will more likely bring us closer to that which will make us happy and fulfilled.
For example, what do most students hope to get when they go to college? Chances are good that if you ask any student what they want to achieve they will say that they want to get good grades. But now that we know “good” grades are the goals of a Get-Good mindset, it’s easy to see how that sets us up to compare ourselves with others and to strive to prove that we are smart. Instead, a Get-Better approach gives us the option of saying our goal is to learn as much as possible about our area of study and ourselves—and to enjoy the journey along the way.
There are also a number of other striking differences between the two mindsets. A person who is focused on Be-Good can be very motivated to achieve success. It’s easy to see how comparing ourselves to others can drive us to push ourselves. But research shows that while it can create excellent performances, if things become too difficult it often leads a person with that mindset to completely give up rather than continue. A person who spends his or her life striving to Be-Good feels like a failure when things get tough.
Meanwhile, a person with a Get-Better mindset takes difficulty in stride. They use their challenges to improve themselves and their resilience allows them to face just about any difficulty. And as said before, those with a Get-Better mindset also tend to enjoy the journey more—no matter what the goal. They aren’t trying to prove anything to anyone else, only to see how far they can go. They also have fewer problems with asking others for help because again, they aren’t as worried about what others think of them.
Another interesting fact is that students that spend a lot of time trying to Be-Good are more likely to get depressed than those who consistently focus on getting-better. And the more depressed the be-gooders got, the less motivated they felt. On the flip side, students with a Get-Better approach actually stayed much more motivated. As Halvorson said, “if you focus on growth instead of validation, on making progress instead of proving yourself, you are less likely to get depressed…And you are less likely to stay depressed.”
While most of this information seems relatively simple, the implications are huge. As the second born in a family with three other sisters I am all too familiar with comparing myself to my siblings and the goal to “be good” as much as possible. In school I attempted to prove myself with good grades and validate myself with good behavior. I never once remember being told to enjoy the journey and to appreciate and enjoy my enormous curiosity to learn for the sake of learning.
The good news is that the Be-Good and the Get-Better perspectives are mindsets that can be changed as we go—and there are dozens of benefits to the process. The first step is to remember that we do have the choice. The second is to keep in mind that a good life is about the journey rather than the destination. Next, if we can stop comparing ourselves to others and trying to validate our very existence, we will learn to appreciate the unique character that we are. Beyond that, by accepting that your abilities are tied to the effort you put forth rather than your fixed talents, you will be able to accomplish so much more than otherwise. Plus, challenges will no longer seem as threatening; they become mere stepping-stones to more growth. Finally, when we discover that mistakes don’t make us a failure, we can learn to appreciate our newfound skills and gain valuable information.
I accept that I have spent too much of my life in pursuit of Be-Good goals. Fortunately I now know how SMART it is to realize that every one of us can grow and change anything that no longer serves us. And yes, that’s a sure way to succeed!
Photo credit by: Caroline Gutman
You’re really intriguing me with this book; must add to my list (rolling my eyes at self, as my TBR list is already like Mt. Everest).
I came to learn early on that if I challenged myself at something I thought I had no aptitude for, I could still get ‘er done. Maybe not as skillfully or polished-looking as someone with more practice, but practice is something that’s almost always achievable. The first screen door I hung was a hot mess; the last one is still swinging and closing just as it should.
Hi Beverly! It’s a really great book and I’d be happy to loan it to you if you lived close by! But I know what you mean about having a queue. I actually intend to write at least one or two more articles about things I’ve discovered there so that might save you a read anyway. And good for you for learning early on that you could learn and/or practice just about anything and get better at it. I don’t think I grew up that way but now any time anything comes up that makes me pause I ask myself, “Do I want to learn how to do this or would I rather not?” It’s such a better question (and answer) than just saying, I can’t because I don’t know how. Thanks again for your thoughts. ~Kathy
Wonderful review and analysis of the concept and the book. I’m the firstborn, however, growing up under a mother’s critical eye I often lived in the Be-Good world. That mindset and the lack of support and encouragement from parents left its mark. In my younger years I didn’t want to put forth the effort so I glided along far too often. I think now I fall more in the category of Get-Better.
Hi Walker! Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. It’s interesting isn’t it to think how such unconscious behaviors when were young could set us up for a lifetime of behavior? Neither of my parents were into school so there was no pressure there–however they did reward us for good grades so that was a bit of encouragement. However, I was certainly more guided to be the “good little girl” than anything else. And my father repeatedly said (at least when we were young) that he just wanted us all to find good husbands to take care of us! So you can imagine with all three of my other sisters went through rather painful divorces (some several!) he started changing his attitude on that being much of a solution. But as you say, falling into the category of thinking like a Get-Better at our age is the only way to go. Thanks again for stopping by! ~Kathy
I love this: “A good life is about that journey rather than the destination.” Great post!
Hi Marcia! Thank you for stopping by SMART Living! Glad you liked the post. ~Kathy
Excellent post! As I have grown older, I have moved away from the be-good toward a get-better way of thinking, and it has definitely made me feel better. It is never too late to learn and change your ways.
Hi Kathy D! Glad you liked the post. And I completely agree that as we age it is a good thing to do to move from the be-good approach to the get-better way of thinking. Or at least a wider awareness of when it is best to leave it behind. Of course, as you say, “It is never too late to learn and change your ways.” Thanks for coming by and joining the conversation. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy, interesting stuff! I don’t remember being competitive when I was a child. But I have been keenly aware that I became highly competitive in my early 20’s. I am an only child and never thought a thing of it. Still, I have always been a Be-Good and Get-Better kind of gal. Something that was bred in me. I find comfort in the process and so enjoyed the read!
Hi Tammy! Thanks for stopping by SMART Living and sharing your thoughts. Your comment is interesting because I’ve never quite thought about being competitive as a child before you mentioned it. I certainly never thought I was but I normally think of competition as something that happens with games or sports–of which I’ve never really been interested. But, I did grow up in a household with 3 other sisters and both our parents worked full time for most of my life. Now that I think about it we did certainly have to jockey for attention and affection and perhaps my attraction to a Be-Good approach was a form of competition. As you said, we are all likely a combination of both. As always (at least for me) I benefit by staying awake and aware. Thanks for coming by! ~Kathy
I thought I was a “get-better” but being second-born and a high achiever, maybe that isn’t true. I would like to take the author’s test to termine which I am today.
Hi Gary! Thanks for popping in and joining the conversation. I think some of it is as I said in my reply to Lois before. I said to her, “I think my soul is definitely a “Get-Better” perspective of me because I definitely see life as a journey and am open and curious to most things. But my head part gets stuck in the “Be-Good” a bit too often. Fortunately being aware of the difference helps me a great deal.” Of course the book DOES contain a number of tests that may or may not surprise you when you find the answer. Then again, I think the author makes the point that most of us fall somewhere in between because neither one is necessarily better exclusively than the other. Both motivational perspectives offer advantages. But in the long run the “Get-Better” is a more consistent perspective as we change and mature. So that’s the one I am going to focus on in the future. Thanks again for popping by! ~Kathy
Maybe it’s because I was a first born, or maybe it’s because I had daily challenges but I followed my own path. I saw/see life as a journey of exploration where I want to try everything. I would have to say I am in the “get better” group and have been all my life.
Hi again Lois! I am not at all surprised to hear that you were a “Get-Better” kind of person from the beginning. It shows in so much that you do and how you communication. I think my soul is definitely a “Get-Better” perspective of me because I definitely see life as a journey and am open and curious to most things. But my head part gets stuck in the “Be-Good” a bit too often. Fortunately being aware of the difference helps me a great deal. Now that I know the difference I can definitely embrace that side of myself more often. Good for you for having that advantage right off the bat! ~Kathy
Thanks for sharing. I found this really interesting. I have never been a competitive person or cared to compare my achievements to others, rather my motivation has always been to just be the best version of myself. I’ve never made the connection before but now I see how this trait also keeps me from giving up and makes me a stronger “goal achiever.”
Hi Michelle! Thanks for coming by and joining the conversation. It sounds like you’ve always had a sense of your motivations and never let comparison hold you back. I’m jealous!!! And yes, it is a great pathway to helping you stay very resilient and strong rather than give up. I’ve always believed in resiliency as a big key to achieving our goals and now we know something that helps us understand why that it so true. Thanks again for coming by! ~Kathy
I think most of us can’t help but get better with experience, and that goes for skills, as well as just life in general. Sometimes, “being good” has to do with talent. Except for some parts of writing, there are few things in my life now that I feel I need to “get better” at, mostly because I no longer work. Of course, I am always in a state of “continuous improvement” in my relationship–I want to be a better and better partner, especially since I’ve been given the gift of my first husband again. 😉 I don’t analyze most of the time, I just live and do the best I can in any given moment.
Hi Carol! Well you can see that I probably OVER analyze things on a regular basis! 🙂 Good for you for being able to do that! One thing I got from the book is that talent is something that is can be nurtured and grown most of the time…and yet the cultures here in the west tend to believe (and focus on) the idea that it is given to us or not. I can certainly speak from my own writing experience. I don’t necessary think I am overly talented at it. But I have been doing it for a very long time (I’ve got to be close to the 10,000 hours like Gladwell talks about) and that makes me much better.
Of course I like your perspective of doing the best you can in any given moment best of all. That is definitely open to the Get-Better quality. Thanks for joining the conversation! ~Kathy
I think my “be-good” vs “get-better” attitude is highly dependent on what it is I’m doing. For example, when I’m cooking I’m perfectly happy to be in be-good mode – when I’m writing, I’m always working at get-better. This is the challenge for all of us, to try and be in the get-better mode in everything we do, but wow, it can be exhausting!
Hi Sharon! Yes you point out something very important. There actually are times when a Be-Good motivation is the right one to take on. Your idea of cooking is a very good one for that. The book does a really fine job of explaining how and why these motivations can be helpful or hurtful depending upon what it is that you hope to accomplish.
My personal challenge is getting clearer and clearer on the difference between the two and the real motivations behind some of my actions. Awareness (as usual) is a big key. What I really like about the Get-Better approach is that it validates my curiosity AND puts the focus on the journey. I think when we come from this motivation then we start realizing that we will NEVER ever “arrive” so we might as well enjoy the journey–and that should help with some of that exhaustion! 🙂 ~Kathy
Such a great recap of what sounds like a fabulous book! I’m the third of four girls and wasted so much energy, and years, feeling torn between comparing myself to my sisters and pursuing my own unique path. Only recently have I experienced the liberation of knowing that my gifts, passion and path are mine alone. It doesn’t make their wrong or bad. It doesn’t make me wrong or bad or “less than.” We are only different. I regret it took so long to get here, but I’m sure enjoying the freedom to be me!
Hi Nancy! Yes I do recommend this book. If you lived closer I would lend you my copy….of course the thing is filled with underlines because there is a lot of meat to the book. I love the kind of books that are so full of interesting stuff that you have a hard time figuring out what you want to write about. There is actually much more about the whole Be-Good and Get-Better mindset but I figured I had to start with the basics. If you do get the book be sure and let me know what you think of it! Thanks for your comment as always! ~Kathy
I love this new mind set Kathy!
Hi Nancy! Glad you liked this one….and now I need to head over and read your great list post about top recipes! ~Kathy
It’s fascinating how that seemingly small nuance can have such a profound effect. I’ll confess that when I first read the title, my preconceived notions had me default to a position of, well of course I’d rather be good than get better. Getting better implies you’re not good enough to start with.
Reading through the post, it became clearer that the focus is not on not being good, rather, striving for improvement, pushing your limits, putting forth more effort — which completely resonated with me (for obvious reasons!).
Great post, Kathy!
Hi Nancy! Yes isn’t it amazing how something that seems like the right and best approach–like being good–can also have a “dark” side? But as I confessed, even though I’ve been reading material about brain plasticity and how we change as we go, I was still sort of stuck into the mindset that I need to prove myself on several levels. That’s why the math one was pretty profound to me. My dad was super smart at math but instead of saying to myself, “I could be that too!” I bought into the idea that as a girl it just wasn’t that easy for me (so I must not be that good..yada, yada, yada!) It was a real aha to me to realize that it was completely my mindset and my unwillingness to apply effort that held me back–no any innate ability! So glad you enjoyed the post…and yeah, your life is certainly a testimony to constantly getting better! ~Kathy
Hi Kathy,
That was indeed a wonderful post 🙂
I think you SO well explained both type of people, those who want to Get-Better and those who are Be-Good, or those who would like to become either of the two.
I think we all have a blend of both in us as somewhere a little of both kinds is needed. However, I’d always think myself to be person who would like to Get-Better with time – slow and steady. That’s where the personal growth and self-improvement really takes place when you keep learning the ways with time, isn’t it?
Thanks for sharing. Have a nice weekend 🙂
Hi Harleena! I’m glad you found this post interesting….that’s ALWAYS a goal of mine! 🙂 Of course then I have to try not to slip into my default “Be-Good” motivation. It is a fascinating subject and was very helpful for me personally so I’m hoping it will strike a cord with others. If we can all strive for the “slow and steady” progress while enjoying the journey I can’t help but think we’d all be better off. Thanks for coming and starting the conversation! ~Kathy