At the beginning of every new year I face a big temptation to start planning how I hope my year will unfold. Even after COVID hit in 2020-21, I managed to chart out certain activities that I knew would be enjoyable and meaningful. Some happened—some didn’t. Now at the beginning of 2022, I find myself drawn to my usual pattern, but this year is a bit different for two reasons. First is because I found myself hesitating a bit when it came to travel planning this summer after my recent health scare in Mexico. Second is because I came across an interview of an author with a new book that challenged my perception of time and how we as humans often have a very dysfunctional way of dealing with it. Since listening to that first podcast and several others, I’m beginning to see time in a new way and how that can lead to creating a more peaceful and meaningful life in the future.
I’m not alone in my struggle with accepting the limits of my often-flawed relationship with time. According to author Oliver Burkeman, the author of 4000 Weeks—Time Management for Mortals, most of us view time as a commodity. We have it, we spend it, we waste it, or we use it. (4,000 weeks refers to the average lifetime.) Specifically, any of us who strive to manage it (in other words control it) like to believe we are eventually going to master it. Instead, as Wikipedia claims, “Time is the continued sequence of existence and events that occurs in an apparently irreversible succession from the past, through the present and into the future.” Burkeman likes to equate it to a flowing river. So, we are either going with the flow or doing our best to stop or contain the river?
Why? While there are several reasons that most of us like to think we can “control” our time, Burkeman explains that it is mostly an unconscious attempt for us to avoid realizing that our time as humans is finite. That’s right, even though most of us accept that we won’t live forever, we still resist the reality of it. Some part of us still wants to believe that if we manage it perfectly it will “buy” us more time and we won’t have to face that human limitation. He writes, “Sadly, though, no finite human being has ever won a fight against time. We just get the limited time we get, and the limited control over it that we get. And if you spend your life fighting the truth of this situation, all that happens is that you feel more rushed and overwhelmed and impatient – until one day time decisively wins the fight, as it was always destined to do. (In other words: you die.)”
Another big part of our struggle with the limits of time is that it forces us to realize that we will never have enough time to do it all, have it all or be it all. Instead, we must make choices, sometimes very hard choices, about the things we do and the things we don’t. And truth be told, most of us will avoid the uncomfortable choices most of the time. For example, say you always dreamt of writing a book. It’s important to you. But you also believe you must spend time with your loved ones. Which do you choose? Even if you try to “manage” a bit of both, it is still quite possible that you won’t do either of them as well as you hoped. Throw in a few more things you say really matter to you and some thing(s) have to give. All the time management in the world won’t solve that problem.
So rather than face those frequent choices we all face every day between doing what we say matters to us and turning down lessor choices, we often just distract ourselves with random busyness. Social media anyone? Often, rather than having that difficult conversation with a loved one or facing the discomfort that comes from learning something new and challenging, we spend all day answering emails from people we barely know and are “too busy” to getting around to what is most meaningful to us.
While the ideas that Burkeman speaks about is much more detailed than I’ve explained here. What it did was ask me to question my own relationship to time. One of the most obvious was in relationship to planning. According to Burkeman, planning can be an avoidance technique that causes us to focus on the future instead of embracing the moments of today. And perhaps most problematic is the fact that it helps create the illusion that we just might be able to do it all (have it all) and not have to make those really hard choices that come from being a finite being.
Think about it. If you can plan/imagine that sometime in the future you can be as fit and healthy as people half your age, invest and save all the money necessary for a privileged retirement, spend the perfect amount of quality time with loved ones, be a dedicated climate-change activist, and still write the great American Novel, there is a good chance that you won’t be successful at any of them. To accomplish any of these well, we have to say no to others. But just putting it on our to-do list or vision board, we can fool ourselves into thinking we will eventually have “time” to do it all and are currently spending our lives in the best way possible. Burkeman says no. In fact, like I mention above, chances are good we will simply distract ourselves over and over rather than face the uncomfortable choices that excelling at even a couple of those require.
While I believe that I usually make an effort to focus on what matters most to me on a regular basis, I did agree that sometimes living in the future (with my planning) allowed me to live an illusion. Instead of recognizing the preciousness of today, I often fanaticize about what I hope will come about in the future. And at the same time, I sometimes distract myself with busyness rather than face difficult choices. After all, it’s impossible to go everywhere, see everything and even then, sometimes stuff happens to mess it all up.
Plus, I also found myself avoiding making certain decisions about some of my travel plans for this summer. This normally comes very easy to me. That’s when it occurred to me that my hesitation was coming from a desire to not choose. I was using it to avoid facing the fact that for any of us, we can’t control what could happen in the future. Could I have a health issue again? Yes. Could something not work out? Yes. If I don’t decide, it allows me the illusion that I can avoid any problem. At the same time, not doing is as much a choice as doing. Planning isn’t the problem, as long as we aren’t using it to live solely in the future or avoid reality. At the same time, lack of planning can also be an excuse to play it safe and avoid living in the now.
Burkeman’s advice? Accept that we are limited and that we can’t do it all. That isn’t an excuse not to do things that matter to us. Nor is it an invitation to say “Carpe Diem” and cram our lives with meaningless adventures. But it is asking us to face that we are limited and finite and that we will have to make hard choices if we want to accomplish what really matters to us. And rather than FOMO (the fear of missing out) we embrace JOMO (the joy of missing out). Just consciously making the tradeoff for what we truly want versus sort-of-want will bring peace and acceptance. Plus, it’s likely that our decisions will be of higher quality when we accept that we can’t do everything in this increasingly busy world.
Burkeman recommends that we think of our lives like a menu. It’s impossible to eat everything on the list. But we can pick and choose those things that matter most while we are sitting in the restaurant of life enjoying the day. The SMART thing to do is to let go of trying to master time and just let it flow towards a meaningful experience. My intention for 2022? To consciously select what matters most to me and to be grateful for what I’ve chosen.
Hi Kathy, I can always count on you for such sage advice. I’ve become a planner to a point, but I’m also trying to focus more on JOMO. Thanks for leading me there.
I’ve been hearing about this book (4000 weeks) from a couple of difference sources and wondered if I should pick it up. Reading your words makes me feel, however, that I’m doing OK with my relationship with time. I’ve stopped thinking about having “busy” days and now am happy when I have “full” days. Full of things I choose to do. If that choice is to sit in the sunshine and read/comment on blogs, that is my choice – especially as it fits within my life vision – a bit of connection, a bit of inspiration! I think I’ve always embraced/valued autonomous choice. In retirement, I feel like I am living that value fully.
Hi Pat! When I was listening to all the author’s advice I actually thought of you. I know that you are a master (at least you were!) planner so making a most of your schedule seemed to be important to you. I’m glad you’ve found a way to be at peace with time and just enjoy things as they come to you. Conscious awareness of the tradeoffs of our choices is so very important. Thanks for your thoughts. ~Kathy
After I had been retired for a while, people sometimes asked me if anything had surprised me about retirement. Yes, I said, there are still only 24 hours in the day. Before I retired, I had a list of things I would do once I had all that extra time. Big surprise to me that I couldn’t do everything. That just seemed so wrong — ha!
You are so right that we think of time like a commodity. Our time vocabulary, as you point out, overlaps with our money vocabulary — spend, invest, waste, save, and so on. We even claim that time IS money. No wonder we have a warped concept about time. Add in the mortality/lifespan layer, and well, that explains a lot.
Your articles often make me smile at the same time they give me a lot to think about. Nice combination. Thank you.
Hi Galen. As much as you’ve read, studied, written and contemplated I consider it a great compliment that I got you thinking :–) Obviously the concept of time and my perception of it has been on my mind a lot lately…and doing my best to surrender to both the experiences and the feelings that are occurring in the moment in the same time. ~Kathy
Just the other day, when Hubby and I were out walking, I was trying to think of an alternative to FOMO, because I was thinking that I am often quite happy at “missing out” when there are things I’d rather not do. JOMO is the perfect acronym. Of course there are also times that I’d like to be able to do three or four things at once. I was struck by the number of weeks we have on average in our lives; 4,000 doesn’t sound like many at all (although I do intend to live well past 76.9 years 🙂 ). It’s certainly a wake-up call to those of us who think we have all the time in the world.
Hi Janis! Yes isn’t it sobering to think of life only containing 4,000 weeks. And I agree that most of us certainly hope to live long past that time, Thom figured out that based upon his calculation with 4,000 he would only have about 480 weeks left!!!! And while he hopes to have another 10 years to add to that, there are no guarantees for sure. And while I’m happy to JOMO about certain activities and experiences, there are others that I really hope to do. Best to cherish the time we have left. ~Kathy
Interesting perspective, Kathy. The past two years have certainly changed the way we look at time. We hold it more precious and are able to focus on what really matters, purely because of uncertainties. We’ve lost so many people close to us that we no longer take anything for granted. Some great points in your post. ?
Hi Vidya! How are you? Glad this post caught your eye and got you thinking! And yes to changing our perspective on time in a good way right? And thank you for using the word “precious.” Burkeman actually used it a couple of times when talking about the life we are given and I forgot to squeeze it into the post (it was long enough already right?) But if we can remember how precious our time is and the fact that lots of people aren’t able to embrace that gift due to whatever circumstance, perhaps we can just surrender into the experiences of life itself in the moment. That’s my goal for myself anyway. Thanks for such great thoughts. And take care on your side of the planet! ~Kathy
My goodness Kathy what an excellent article. I hung onto your every word and my brain was churning so much that I think the top of my head became slightly ajar hahaha. I love the idea of embracing JOMO. After spending hours on the phone talking with a friend until we were belly laughing with our sides hurting my unfinished ToDo list did not seem all that important. I get that how I choose to enjoy and spend my time might seem like time wasters to some but as Thom said, “I get to make it up.” WOTY = Reaction = #whatIdo
Hi Amanda! Thank you! I LOVE the idea of your head ajar…as long as it isn’t too painful 🙂 When I first heard JOMO a couple of years ago I KNEW that it was something I could use to help me keep my FOMO in check. And it is. Learning to recognize the gifts of NOT having to do it all is a big one for me…and now as this author helped make very clear…even if I wanted to do it all I couldn’t. Hence, JOMO! And yes, if we do get to make it up (and I’m pretty attached to that idea) it might be enough that we get to chose what we spend our time letting go of as well. Thanks for that great insight! ~Kathy
So many thoughts in response to this post, Kathy. The serenity prayer comes to mind: to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. I think many people are unaware of the choices being made on a daily basis because at every moment that we’re engaged in “this” we’re not doing “that.” Saying “yes” to something often means saying “no” to something else, consciously or not. So many trade offs. And if we don’t make some plan, those plans will be made for us. Do we want to exercise what limited control we have or be at the mercy of the tides, like a ship at sea without a planned course? I’m not a big fan of the word “busy” and the phrase “no time”. I’m not in control of time but I am in control of how I spend my time. No time? Stop watching mindless tv. There’s a responsibility in retirement to manage time rather than have time managed by the responsibility of formal work & other obligations – do time so time doesn’t do me. We tend to use up whatever time, money or space granted us. We can’t do it all at once. FLOW was my WOTY in 2019. Last year, my WOTY was CHOICE. I will focus on SUSTAIN in 2022.
Hey Mona! Wow! Thank you for a much briefer synopsis of my post! I think you’ve captured much of what I hoped that I was able to communicate. Of course your word for 2019 was FLOW and then CHOICE last year so you had a little practice. I’m finding with my word “surrender” that it is helping me to flow and choose and then let go of too many expectations. May 2022 lead us to enjoying the time we do have, right? ~Kathy
You always have interesting thoughts Kathy. I always come back to Erica’s comment about “it’s what we choose to invest our energy into” – that works for how we prioritise our time too. I choose to slow down and be more intentional these days – rather than rushing from one commitment to the next. It suits how life is working for me atm and gives me a very nice flow indeed.
Hi Leanne! Good for you for finding your “flow” with time. Recognizing those priorities and making choices from that is so very important. Enjoy the journey! ~Kathy
“One of the limits of time is that it forces us to realize that we will never have enough time to do it all, have it all or be it all.” I like the menu analogy. I like and chose some things and skip many others. Less pressure means less focus on time…some days are better…enjoying some progress…
Hey Gary. Yes. When I think of it as a menu it reminds me that it would be impossible to eat everything even if we did really think we wanted to! Giving ourselves that permission helps us make better choices. And yes, some days are going to be better than others but I’d rather know that out of a state of awareness than just blinding going through the motions don’t you think? Let’s enjoy our progress! ~Kathy
Hi Kathy,
Thank you for another thought provoking article.
Time is infinite and we are not as human beings. That’s a concept that takes time to wrap your head around. I think once you do, then you stop trying to “control” time and make the most of what you have. I was lucky enough to learn that lesson quite some time ago. However, it’s always good to have such a solid reminder (or “poke”) as your post to remember and reflect.
And I really like JOMO (joy of missing out)! I believe in that reality, you truly are making the choices that are the most meaningful to you. Life is about joy and making sure you’re fulfilled and your life and experiences are your true desires. And that can include having to make those tough decisions sometimes.
Enjoy your weekend!
Hi Debbie! Thanks for giving a GREAT recap of the things I thought were so fascinating about this book. (of course I haven’t read it–yet) but after listening to about 10 of his interviews I’m pretty sure I captured a good portion of his ideas. And I love that he isn’t trying to tell us what we should do with our time, only that with only 4000 weeks we might want to stay awake and pay attention to what we are choosing. Thanks for your thoughts. ~Kathy
Another great post, Kathy. Thanks for sharing – as I tend to flow more than plan, I think I would appreciate Burkeman’s perspective. I do think it is easier to go with the flow when we reach a certain age and aren’t also balancing the various societal demands imposed as we raise children and try to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. 🙂
Hi Janet! I think it was after Burkemen had a child that he started thinking about time differently so that makes sense to me about your ability to flow. Up until then I think he was like many people, able to manage and control his time in pursuit of his goals. But once he was home with his baby (yeah 2020 changed things) and realized that there are times with a child you just can’t control that he started re-evaluating what he considered important and necessary. And yes, he also addresses the fact that some of us have more freedoms to control our time than others and how that makes a difference. Like most good books this one contains LOTS more ideas than I could write about but it did give me a lot to think about. ~Kathy
Your post came at a great time, Kathy. Now that we’ve lived here in Spokane area for 13 months, I’ve seen how quickly time has flown. I loved your analogy of wanting to write a book and wanting to spend time with family and in trying both, perhaps not doing well with either. That is such a wonderful look at how we try to manage everything. I’ve learned to slow down and give up certain things. Since we have been in Nine Mile Falls, living in a rural area, time passes oddly. I used to hate driving anywhere if it took more than 10 minutes (usually in horrible traffic). Now anywhere I drive from our area takes a minimum of 10-15 minutes, and out of town takes 30 minutes. On these drives, time passes quickly but meaningfully as I feel gratitude for being surrounded by mountains, lakes and evergreens. It also takes longer to do anything here, in a good way. Whether it is age or simple gratitude, I’ve accepted that time will pass as it will and I have ZERO control over it. And I like it. The passage of time when you are engaged in something creative or new can be categorized as “flow” where challenge meets skill and time passes as it will. And I see why you included flowing in your post title because you get it! A relevant discussion for our times, Kathy. Glad you are doing well!
Hi Terri! Thank you for sharing your unique perspective on time in your new place. It is quite revealing about how we might not notice certain relationships to time until we mix up our situation and see it from a brand new place. I think 2020 did that to/for us all in a certain respect for sure. And with your move AND 2020 I’m not surprised that your relationship to time has changed significantly.
Also, Berkeman’s book says a lot about leisure and how that has changed a lot in the last 100 years or so. He said the goal to be successful and wealthy was to create more leisure time for ourselves and loved ones…but current times have made that less of a goal. He explains how most of us now use leisure time in “service to something else” like getting healthy, reaching those goals, becoming the best at your sport, etc. Learning to do nothing except to enjoy the here and now with no expectation has become very difficult these days. Lots of ways of thinking about it from a “different” perspective.
Thanks for your thoughts on this! ~Kathy
Consciously selecting what matters most to us and being grateful for what we’ve chosen (and for the choices that we have) makes much sense to me. This sounds like a great way to live a life.
Hi Donna! I agree. Although I really like Burkeman’s style in that he recognizes that we are all “works in progress” and no one has it fully worked out. He’s said repeatedly that he writes about what he needs to learn and I’m in full agreement with that idea. Thanks for stopping by! ~Kathy
P.S. Peace is a great WOTY for 2022!
Just finished reading Teacher Man by Frank McCourt who wrote Angela’s Ashes. He did zero planning in his life and then wrote a best seller. Life has a strange way of presenting opportunities of all kinds. Serendipity. Keep on writing, I enjoy your insights.
Hi Ann! Thank you. I’m glad you appreciate some of my musings. I am sort of 50/50 with McCourt. I believe in Serendipity AND I like to plan. A HUGE reminder to me is to not get attached to my plans. And Burkeman helped stress to me that priorities and conscious choices when we do make them are very important. Thanks for the heads up about McCourt. His book sounds interesting. ~Kathy
Another great and timely article! Immensely interesting and helpful! Thanks!
Thanks Deb! i know you are a fairly busy woman so I hope this book helped you prioritize. Something we can all use huh? ~Kathy
This really speaks to me, as I, too, like to meticulously plan out the future, but leave myself open to what unfolds in front of me. And when I think of travel, I know there isn’t enough time left in my life to see all the places I want to see.
I find my relationship with time to be quite curious – I feel like I only say “yes” to the things that really matter, yet there is never enough time to do them all. I say bI don’t want to “fill” all my time, yet it’s always over-full.
Thanks for the suggestion of the book – I will work on finding time to read it. In fact, I’ll put it in line behind the other books waiting for me to finish them!! ?
Love,
Jamie
Hi Jamie! Thanks for your thoughts on this. Burkeman says several times that learning to say no to much of our choices is very difficult for many of us…and that in itself leads to having a too-full to-do list. I was sharing the book with a friend who mentioned that she read or heard of a practice where you post your “to-dos” on a wall and then take a sticky note and put “YES” on them. The trick is to make the “YES” the size of your desire to really do (or need to do) on the sticky note. So what you then end up with is all your yes’s but the size of that yes really indicates your priorities. I like that visual. And can see where that might help eliminate a bunch of stuff on that list that isn’t as important as others. Burkeman is very clear we just have to let them go so we can actually have the time to do the things we truly desire. What do you think? ~Kathy
P.S. And yeah, the book is on my list behind a bunch of others too! LOL!
Good points, Kathy. I think that’s why I make vision cards instead of resolutions each year. If I can get some things done in each area, I can count it a win. It also helps me see what things may be more important than others and I can get those done first.
Hi Janet! Yes learning a way to be clear about our priorities is a point that Burkeman makes repeatedly. It’s just so easy to be distracted isn’t it. I think your idea of making “cards” is a great one–especially if you are able to really focus on any that are particularly important at any given time. Trying to do too much and cram it all in is something he stresses that we should avoid costs. Good luck and may 2022 be a great and fulfilling year for you. ~Kathy
Preach it, sister! I used to buy every time management book and system available, meticulously make those lists and charts — and oh the stress of it all. But thankfully, in recent years, I’ve discovered the fluid nature of time and “to do’s” i.e. setting an intention, and then surrenduring (sort of!) the “how” and even the “when” to infinite intelligence i.e. my intuitive subconscious, to get me there, So often, it turns out that what I thought would take a predictable amount of time and steps/tasks – ends up coming about in an entirely different manner, time-wise as well as task-wise. What an adventure. I’m still learning this, of course! Thanks for the wonderful reminder, my friend.
Hi Karen! So lovely to hear from you! And if you find the time (LOL!) then I suggest you either pick up the book or listen to some of the podcasts you can find of his recent work. As a former column-writer for the Guardian, I guess it was his job to “review” all those books and try every technique available, and finally instead of “mastering it” he surrendered to the fact that his ladder was up against the wrong wall. I also appreciate his style because he is humble and doesn’t pretend that he has the answer. What he feels is necessary is asking the right questions. And yes to the adventure my friend. The good news (or the bad depending on your perspective) is that we will never learn it all (at least on this plane of existence!) Take care and I miss you. If Florida wasn’t so…Florida…we’d come for a visit!!!! ~Kathy
Gosh, that post has really stopped me in my tracks Cathy. You have pointed out exactly what I’d just begun to fathom i.e. life is finite and I haven’t time to do it all. My solution of course has been to race around like the proverbial headless chicken. I guess I really am going to have to start to make those hard choices instead.
*Kathy (sorry)
Hi Caree. Glad this resonated with you like it did with me Caree. Oliver (a former column writer for The Guardian as you might know) has such a humble and honest approach to this subject that I found very appealing. He doesn’t try to tell us how we should spend our time our judge our choices, only that we need to stay aware of our choices. But I also appreciate how he points out what we repeatedly do trying to fool ourselves and avoid those choices. After all, we are making them all the time whether they are conscious or not. I just want to do my best to make those choices in alignment with my values and intentions. Good luck to us both! ~Kathy
A very interesting read Kathy.
I learnt a long time ago I was never going to achieve/do all I wanted but also realised life was going to have to include ‘fun’ things as well as ‘important’ because ‘important’ wasn’t always necessary. Hope I’ve explained myself there
I’ve put this book on hold at the library – I’ll enjoy reading it when my turn comes round
Take care
Cathy
Hi Cathy! Nice to hear from you. And yes his book should be good although I haven’t read it yet. There are about a dozen podcast interviews of him with several hosts. And I really appreciate his perspective on how we went from a time management geek to a more philosophical perspective. He definitely takes a more “stoic” approach to a bunch of different ideas that I “could” have written about if I had more time (LOL!) Anyway, I hope you enjoy it and that all is well in your world. ~Kathy