Every now and then I feel the need to pause, think about and write about why it is important for me to slow down. How about you? And now that I know from my Enneagram* test that I am a “7” it is even more vital. That’s because I have an almost compulsive need to do more, experience more, learn more, research more, have more fun, etc. You can see how critical the concept of slowing down can be for me. But I’m guessing I’m not the only one who is super busy and overwhelmed these days. So, this morning, after listening to one “more” new podcast, I heard a speaker who got me thinking about why we all seem to resist the idea of taking things slower—even when we know better. That’s when I came up with five big myths that I believe are at the root of the problem.
Myth #1: We think the more we hustle the better our lives will be. The idea for this post came from Jeff Bethke, the author of a book titled, “The Hell With The Hustle: Reclaiming Your Life in an Overworked, Overspent, and Overconnected World.” While I resisted the idea to listen to more than one of his podcast interviews and have not read the book, I get the idea of letting go of the hustle. Even though I am nearly 65 and sort of “semi-retired” I still often feel like I should be out there hustling my blog, my books, my health, my politics, etc. Do you?
Now I get that there are still things I like to do and intend to accomplish in my life. But the big point that I believe Bethke is making is that we are under the impression, the myth, that if we just keep running as fast as we can that somehow we will be happier and more fulfilled. While the truth of the matter is that finding satisfaction, joy, purpose and meaning in our lives—no matter what things look like on the outside—is the true key to our inner fulfillment. And face it, hustling for anything implies that we aren’t enough and that we don’t have enough. Instead, slowing down and accepting ourselves as we are and seeing the good that is already in our lives is probably what will really make our lives better.
Myth #2 If I don’t stay connected and involved I’ll miss something important going on in the world/life. This myth (or some would call it an excuse) is what we tell ourselves when anyone suggests that we put down our iphone or step away from the computer for even a day. It is also a myth/excuse that we use for refusing to turn off television news—as if it were even remotely possible we would miss something critical if it actually applied to us personally. The real problem is that we are drowning in information and just can’t seem to put on a life-saving jacket. According to Bethke, most people today absorb the same amount of input and information in two days, as a person in the medieval times did during their entire lifetime. Were we really created to be nothing more than receptacles of such overwhelming data? And is it possible that if we try to keep up with that data, we see ourselves as nothing more than computers with skin?
Myth #3 We must stay connected with everyone we know and love 24/7 in order for them or us to be safe. Wasn’t it just over 20 years ago that most phones were landlines and pay phones were the only way to stay in touch when out and about? Yet, in an incredibly short period of time most of us have become addicted and attached to our cell phones so that it is almost inconceivable to leave home without checking to insure we have it with us. Plus, we demand that our spouses, parents, kids and family members have phones so we can stay in touch with them as well—just in case. Now perhaps those that grew up in the digital age know no different. But most of us reading this blog lived the majority of their lives just fine without the 24/7 connection. Sure it is convenient to be able to call or text everyone we know at the slightest impulse, but is that really in our best long-term interest? Again, are we sacrificing meaning, purpose, peace of mind, and wellbeing for that tether?
Myth #4 If I hustle hard now, I can slow down and relax later. Here is another myth/excuse I often tell myself. I tell myself, “Once I get this blog post done, then I can relax.” Or, “Once my next book is published, then I can enjoy myself.” Once…once…once… The trouble is if we put off today what really matters in our lives for tomorrow while we are hustling something else, we might never ever find the fulfillment that we seek. Bethke stresses the idea that the new American Dream seems to be one focused on having and getting as much as possible as quickly as possible. However, as I’ve shared before, “The trouble with winning the rat race is….you’re still a rat!”
Myth #5 I’m the only one who struggles to keep up with the hustle, while everyone else seems to be nailing it! If you watch others on Facebook, observe the ads on television or in magazines, it seems like everyone else is just fine with our frantic pace of life. What’s the saying, “You can have it all!” But like most of us who have lived a certain number of years, we know that is seldom true. And if you do manage to “have it all” for a while, it will catch up with you. We all have to make choices. There are always tradeoffs. Yet unless we know others very intimately, we seldom see what it is that they are sacrificing to keep up the hustle. There will always be people who have more money than I do, are healthier than I am, have bigger homes, nicer cars and better vacations. When I accept that, I can stop comparing my life with other people and I can focus on what matters most to me. If I can slow down on a regular basis and savor what is in front of me, I can find the peace, wellbeing and meaning that I think we all seek.
I suppose I could write more because I’m sure there are even more reasons why we believe we can’t slow down. But I’m going to resist that temptation and take my own advice to slow down right here. After all, the SMART approach is to remember that when we stay conscious and aware we will likely discover that slowing down just might be the best thing we can do right now.
*I wrote about the Enneagram a couple of weeks ago. If interested, here is the link.
I’m like Pat — I feel almost a compulsion to be productive, and to spend my time in a way that will be useful. And it’s not for the sake of being busy, or because I think it will make me happy. Nor do I care how I compare with other people. I also feel a deep-seated sense of responsibility to contribute to the world in a positive way, even now that I’m retired (“I have so much more free time now to devote to making a meaningful difference. . .”). Sure, I am far more relaxed than I used to be in my working life, but I doubt my basic nature will ever change.
Jude
Kathy, I continue to feel guilty when I’m slowing done… Guilty about not contributing or being productive. That feeling didn’t fit any of your myths (maybe it’s part of Myth 1)… although I know I’ve suffered in believing all of them at some point. My 2 biggest are Compare and Despair and Waiting for Someday. But working on releasing them… shifting beliefs and habits
Nice summary of the lure of busyness!
Hi Pat! I’ll bet that the guilt you feel about not slowing down or “contributing” is part of that just because I think it addresses that almost compulsive need many of us have to “prove our worth.” I sorta think that message comes from a culture that is convinced that unless you can measure your worth, then you have none. Like how mothers and/or housewives were given no credit for the hard work they did all their lives. I think we all want love and acceptance and let’s face it, if we sit back and take care of ourselves, those around us don’t feel the attention! I also think “waiting for someday” falls under #4 and “compare and despair” falls into #5 because it’s all about thinking everyone else can go, go, go and get away with it. Of course, we all have different perspectives on these and like I said, I’ll bet every one of us could come up with more of our favorite excuses, but I think most of us have them. What’s best is to stop and realize where our “triggers” are and then do like you suggest by releasing them and shifting our beliefs and habits. Thanks for your thoughts on this! ~Kahty
This from The Edmonton Journal by Elizabeth Withey in 2006: “I am fed up with busyness. Busy is an ego trip. The busier the schedule, the more valuable the busy person’s every breath and word and heart beat. Busy validates the sense of self-importance. Consider debusifying – Sorry, I can’t make it. I’m not busy.”
As a “2”, I often struggled with overextending myself in an effort to “help” and be recognized. I even worked in a helping profession for 34 yrs. I’m a work in progress. In retirement, I have the luxury of slowing down with no more punching the clock. I’ve come to the conclusion that success in life isn’t all about the hustle. FOMO is not a problem for me. Unlike many of my friends, I don’t have any social media accounts. In spite of the availability of various communication devices/modes, it never ceases to amaze me how disconnected people can be. It’s amazing what I don’t need to know. I learned a long time ago to put rest & fun on the to-do list, sometimes in the middle rather than at the end. Are we ever “done”?
Hi Mona! Great quote. I love that line, “Sorry, I can’t make it. I’m not busy!” I sometimes wish I could say that for sure. And good for you for recognizing your natural 2 tendency to want to jump in there and “help” others. While I still have to catch and slow down my natural tendency for FOMO…I really appreciate your putting fun AND rest on your to-do list. I also completely agree that none of us are ever “done.” Thanks for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
Sometimes I wonder if I should have more hustle in me as my retirement lifestyle is pretty chill. That’s not to say that I don’t work hard when it’s warranted, but most of the time I enjoy the slower day-to-day that retirement has provided me. Your “7” needs to slow down and breath, maybe my “9” needs to have a fire lit 🙂 .
Hi Janis! Good for you for making “chill” a part of your retirement. But notice how even the “wonder” about adding hustle to your lifestyle is a question? I sort of think that’s how it sneaks up on us if we are mindful. And funny you mention it, because Thom is a 9 he his “chill” attitude about many things REALLY helps me to slow down and focus on what’s most important…so yes…a nine helps me to breathe… 🙂 And yes, I also think my 7 “encourages” him when necessary. While some of us are more naturally “at risk” for things like being super busy, we can all help each other when necessary! ~Kathy
Having recently started semi-retirement or as you say and what I like better, “Right-sizing“, I am absolutely amazed at how much better I feel physically, emotionally and spiritually! I used to resonate with these two: “The Hell With The Hustle: Reclaiming Your Life in an Overworked, Overspent, and Overconnected World.” and “If I hustle hard now, I can slow down and relax later.”
Well, the hell with all that! We only have To-Now!
Hey Gary! I am so very glad that you’ve found a way to slow yourself down. You always seemed to “look” like you had your hustle down perfectly but now that you’ve stopped and are semi-retired, it is clear that you were that hamster on the wheel for far too long. (and I can say that can’t I, because we’re good friends?) How wonderful to know that you are in such a healthy and happy place these days. Keep it up! ~Kathy
Hi, Kathy – I am guilty of completely subscribing to all five myths. (Actually, I’m pretty sure that I invented some of them!) Early in my Middle School Principal years, when I seemed to be going full tilt 24/7, one of the ‘regular’ Grade 8 boys in my office made this observation (along with a wise tip). “You always seem to do everything for everyone first so that maybe you’ll have free time later. I bet that free time seldom happens. If you pay yourself first, you’ll always have that time for yourself and you’ll still get all the important stuff done. If stuff doesn’t get done, it wasn’t that important after all.” Very wise words!
Hi Donna! Hahahaha! Your confession is probably one reason why I like and admire you so much! You do seem to have the hustle nailed perfectly 🙂 At least far better than me. Of course I tend to think you do it more elegantly than I do…I sometimes feel like a bull in a china shop–but I do get stuff done. But every now and then I think it is good for me (all of us) to slow down the pace and just enjoy all the good right here, right now–and I know you agree with that too. Let’s remind each other of that statement from your friend who said, “If you pay yourself first, you’ll always have that time for yourself and you’ll still get all the important stuff done. If stuff doesn’t get done, it wasn’t that important after all.” ~Kathy
Kathy, I think life would be more pleasant for everyone if we all embraced your statements as myths. Working faster, staying digitally connected, accumulating things, and comparing ourselves to others creates the complete opposite of happiness and can actually be destructive – it’s called stress! Your words and actions are in sync and your message is spot on, as always.
Hi Suzanne! Thank you. It is indeed a reminder to myself when I write things like this. I KNOW better (as I think most of us do) but it is often far to easy to forget IMHO. Fortunately my tendency to reach for more doesn’t include more stuff, but like I said in the post all those other busy behaviors seem to regularly tempt me. Of course, I’ve also witnessed people who are doing the “more thing” with friends and family and those type of obligations or situations. It doesn’t really matter what makes you push and stress yourself does it? It is all about waking up enough to see where we do it and then doing our best to slow it down and breathe. Thank you again for your thoughts! ~Kathy
I keep waiting to feel bad for the way I am living now, in retirement. It is very different from my working life. It feels way more natural to me – so much so that only a scant 2 months in, I don’t know how I managed before. I did manage, obviously. And now (so far), I am managing retirement well. It may be because in recent years I made the switch to living my time OFF work (evenings, weekends, holidays) slowly. I love living a slow life.
Deb
Hi Deb! Good for you for flowing easily into a more slow and nurturing lifestyle now that you are fully retired. I can especially see how that could happen when a person first retires because you are giving yourself permission to really let go of all that stuff you used to “have” to do. It will be interesting if you can maintain that as the days and weeks pile up because most everyone I know who is retired seems to be as busy (or more so) than I am. Of course, because you seem to be so aware of it you likely won’t have an issue. Let’s revisit this a year from now. It will be a great topic of conversation. ~Kathy
Kathy, when my husband was alive I was forced to live such a hectic, draining life that if he hadn’t died, I might be dead by now. I’m not exaggerating for dramatic effect, either. My family said they could see the stress was going to kill me. I said never again. I don’t think I will ever be a super busy retiree for that reason but who know? I’d love to have that conversation with you a year from now.
Ahhhh…well as they say, we learn through inspiration or we learn through pain. It sounds like you had it rough for a while but now you know that isn’t the path. Good for you…and yes, we’d likely have TONS to talk about when we finally get together in the future. Looking forward to THAT! 🙂
I’m embarrassed to admit that I fall for all of these myths, esp. #2 and #5. Why can’t we slow down when we retire?!?
Hi Tom! Isn’t it funny that it is believed that when you retire you just automatically slow down? From what I can tell, people who are fully (or semi) retired are often just as busy as they were when they worked. I do think it is related to our personality type but I also believe that it is pretty epidemic in our culture these days. According to Bethke, a goldfish now has a longer attention span (8 seconds) as compared to the average human (7 seconds). That’s why I think it is really important for us to practice slowing down as much as possible. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy, I’m such a big fan of the Slow Movement and the Unbusy Movement – both proactively encourage the idea that we need to sto seeing being busy and “productive” as measures of success. When I stopped work I definitely felt there was a sense of feeling like I had to justify my lack of constantly being on the go and having every minute of the day planned and filled.
I stepped back and realized that I love this slower way of life, that “being” rather than “doing” suits me and keeping up with the Joneses and FOMO are not values I want to subscribe to. When you step away from the busy-ness and competition and stop the comparisons, you find a really pleasant and peaceful way of life. I’m loving it – and advocate for it on my blog every chance I get these days. Lovely to see you embracing it too xx
Hi Leanne! As you know, I’m a big fan of the “slow movement” but still need to be reminded over and over (that’s the 7 in me for sure!) Good for you for finding it much easier to do. I definitely think different personality styles find it easier and/or harder depending on where you sit on that scale. The lesson of course is to find areas that “need improvement” in our own lives and allowing what nurtures and supports us for living our best life right now. Thanks for your thoughts on this! ~Kathy