This week Thom and I celebrate our 37th Wedding Anniversary. Whew! It’s strange to think that I’ve been married longer than many people I know have been alive. It’s even weirder to think that when we met all those many years ago I had the foresight to know that Thom was the one. Not just one, but THE ONE. Obviously, my life as I know it would have been dramatically different with any other man, Plus I would probably be much different than the person I now know myself to be. In the big picture, I’m sure there are several reasons why we’ve lasted while so many other good people haven’t. But one thing I know for sure is that my marriage to Thom differs tremendously from both my parent’s marriage and that of my in-laws in a couple of very distinct ways. And perhaps that offers some clues to others who would like to create a marriage of a lifetime.
In case you’re wondering, both my parents and Thom’s parents have previously passed away. What’s unusual in both cases, at least in terms of what happens today, is that both of our parents remained married exclusively to each other throughout their lifetimes. What is perhaps even more unusual is that in sharp contrast to all of my sisters (there are three) and Thom’s one, we started in an opened-ended pledge to one another to “stay-together-only-as-long-as-it works.” And here we still are 37 years later. What makes us different? It could be because of several differences between my marriage, and that of my mom.
#1 Thom and I are best friends. We became good friends before we ever went to bed together. At the time we were both recovering from failed former romances and that helped us delay the urge to get immediately physical. By slowing down our attraction to being “just friends” we got to know each other on several levels prior to complicating things with hormones and lust. That friendship has deepened and developed throughout the years until now I know him almost as well as I know myself. And I’m sure that he could say the same about me. Yes we’ve had our challenges—like any friendship I’ve ever witnessed—but we worked out most of them in the first twenty years of our marriage. Now we are so in tune with each other that I can safely say:
I love who Thom really is—and yes after all these years I know who he is. He isn’t going to change because of me, or for me—and visa-versa. I like him, I respect him, and love him just as he is.
We’ve smoothed out most of the rougher areas where we disagreed or saw things differently (money, work, etc.) so they no longer have much of any impact in our lives. No, we don’t agree on everything. We do occasionally see some things quite differently, but there are no huge surprises that can cause major disruption.
I can’t imagine my life, or “me” without him.
In contrast, I don’t doubt that my parents loved one another but I think in my Dad’s case he liked being with his buddies best (he loved to shoot pool, play cribbage, horse shoes or most games in general.) My mom (who didn’t like games at all aucasinosonline) would rather read, create art, or be with her girlfriends. While I believe their love grew during their 55 years of marriage, it wasn’t based on friendship as much as companionship and duty to the family.
#2 We communicate with each other. Thom and I talk about anything and everything.
One of our favorite things to do is to find an intriguing and juicy topic and hammer it to death. We are particularly found of all topics we consider SMART so there is no accident that writing this blog is not only therapeutic to me, but a consistent way that Thom and I continue to connect to each other. How great is that?
Of course we don’t agree on everything. We are both pretty opinionated and sometimes our discussions get rather “vigorous!” But in contrast to my parents we make an effort to see each other’s point of view even when it doesn’t come naturally. My memories of my parents communicating were my father letting us all know “what-was-what” and my mom smoking a cigarette and tuning out. I saw how that didn’t work and had no interest in recreating it.
#3 Thom and I choose not to have children. I’ve explained part of the reasoning behind this in another post so I won’t go into details. But my mother talked to me about it and admitted that if she had had the choice, she likely would have decided against having children herself. Not all of us want or need children to have a happy and fulfilled life. My mother knew that, but in her day and age women did not have the option if they wanted to marry and have sex. She had five children total, four that survived, and although I never doubted she loved us all, her life was very different than it would have been with either no children or less children. Obviously that has a huge impact on a marriage in both positive and less than positive ways. The good news is that today women and men have a choice—and in my opinion it should be a choice that both people completely agree on in advance.
#4 We share most of the same values and beliefs. This might not be something people have control over and are even able to change if they wanted to, but because Thom and I had so many core values and beliefs that were very similar from the beginning, they just deepened as we went along. While I know my parents shared several of the same values, I’m not as convinced about their deeply held beliefs about life. If possible, I think it’s best to discover these up front before becoming surprised by them a few years into a marriage.
#5 My parents considered divorce but didn’t. What makes Thom and my relationship different from both my parents and his parents is that we never considered divorce. (Both our parents did!) How do I know that was true for us? Because if it had come to that, we would have gone through with it and divorced. As I said in the beginning of this post, we pledged to one another that we would end the relationship rather than stay together and “endure” what we witnessed our parents doing. While some might say that was a fatalistic approach to a relationship, we disagree. To us it was permission to try to create something much more deeply connected than what we had witnessed from our parents and from just about everyone else we encountered. Think about it, if all young people observe are unhappy, dull, lackluster relationships built on duty and obligation, why would anyone want to recreate that in their life? We craved something different and because we were willing to gamble that we could do it—it gave us the courage to stick with our commitment.
Regardless of whether these ideas work for others, I do believe that exploring them with someone before marriage could only be helpful. Several months ago when I wrote a post about what people regret at the end of their life, I was struck by one of the suggestions in terms of relationships. That “tip” was to spend a LOT of time and energy considering the person you marry before you make the commitment. I’ve also read that some women spend way more time planning their big wedding day, than they do considering who or why they are marrying the man in the first place. I can’t say that I was SMART enough to have considered all the implications before Thom and I hooked up way back when. But I’m happy to say that we both knew and considered what we saw in our parents and chose something different. Staying awake and aware when making a big choice like marriage is always SMART!
Friendship before romance is a sure WIN in any relationship. Wish you many more happy happy anniversaries!!!
Kathy, I didn’t have the good examples of what a marriage could or should be growing up so I too went into relationships with the attitude that as long as we were still enjoying being together fine but if one of us wanted something different we were free to move on. Not everyone is fine with this, in one relationship I had he was very uncomfortable with it to the point of needing reassurance on a pretty regular basis. I’m glad this has worked for you and Thom and congratulations on your anniversary.
Hi Lois! Thank you for your good wishes! And yes, I think if any of us take the time to really LOOK at how we were raised and what relationships looked like when we were young we would be better able to tell why things went the way they went now that we are older. No mistakes in my books….especially if we’ve been able to create what is now leading to a more peaceful and content way of living. ~Kathy
Many couples find it makes a big difference when they are best friends with similar interests and values. This is the stuff that can keep people together. Financial and personal differences are what often breaks couples up.
Hi Ansley! Welcome to SMART Living 365. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. You are so right about some of the things that bring people together and will tear them apart. Hopefully we learn about the most obvious BEFORE we get married, right? Thanks again for stopping by. ~Kathy
This is a great post! It just goes to show how different modern-day relationships are from the so-called ” traditional” ones. If you ask me, I think most of us are doing a better job! Congratulations to you and Thom! You’re an inspiration!
Glad you liked the post and thank you for your good wishes. ~Kathy
You make a very good argument (I read both posts). It’s funny I just read this tonight I have one true best friend and she is almost 15 years younger and the four of us have traveled the country together many times. Our kids are grown and she was never able too. She called me tonight and she is finally pregnant after trying for close to 10 years. I think it all depends on the marriage. We both wanted children but I knew I would only have two then immediately have my tubes tied. We’ve been very happily married for 23 years and it shocks people when they ask me how we have stayed so happy. The answer has always been while I love my children to the moon and back I never put them before our marriage. It was him and I and the kids. We raised good kids and they lived a happy childhood because their parents were happy. We have always put each other first above all others.
Hi Rena! I think you make a REALLY good point Rena. If children are important to both people then that’s definitely something they should do. But just to get married to have kids–women don’t need to do that any more. And having kids or not having kids doesn’t guarantee that a marriage will work. I know just as many childfree couples who have divorced as I do those with lots of kids. What I think is important is to focus on awareness and making conscious choices based on the “partnership” of a marriage. I listed what has worked REALLY well for me but I understand that there are other ways to make a marriage spectacular. And it sounds like you’ve got an awesome one too! Thanks for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
Congratulations Kathy! I love your post. It sounds like the amazing relationship i have with my husband. We sure are lucky!!!
Hi Nancy! Thanks for your good wishes for our anniversary AND for having a great relationship yourself. I too believe I am incredibly fortunate and NEVER take it for granted. ~Kathy
My husband and I have never considered divorce either. He is my soulmate and my best friend!
Hi Jennifer! Thanks for stopping by SMART Living and joining the conversation. And congratulations to you and your husband as well. It sounds like you also have a SMART relationship! ~Kathy
You’re so right – you really do need to take the time to be friends first…
Congrats on your anniversary!
Hi Liv! Thanks for the good anniversary wishes. And YES to being friends too! ~Kathy
hey kathy..congrats ! and i want to say that there are only few lucky people who live together and spend their life with the sorrow and happiness of each other and i think just because of you guys we youngster believe in marriage otherwise now days no one is interested in marriage. thanks for sharing experience with us.
Hi Ray! Thank you for stopping by SMART Living and sharing your thoughts. Yes, I do consider Thom and I very fortunate to have our love and friendship continue to grow and develop all these years. I sure hope that my example is valuable to those younger than us because it can be absolutely amazing to grow up together with someone you care about as much as I care about Thom. I wish that for you and everyone! ~Kathy
Happy anniversary to you and Thom, Kathy! And congratulations on 37 years.
I think that feminism has done a lot of good things for marriage in terms of creating more equal partnerships, and/or empowering women to feel okay about being on their own if the marriage isn’t working (as has the rise of the two-income household).
Hi Laura! Thanks for your happy Anniversary Wishes! Yes, fortunately women are not only able to decide some of the big life questions like kids or no kids, but they also are much less financially dependent than in past eras. All of that can help us make more conscious choices that lead to a more fulfilling life. ~Kathy
Hi, true indeed that being aware of all the consequences when making a big choice is really being smart specially if it’s about marriage. 37 years of marriage is very impressive, you’ve gone through a lot but still you’ve stand as one. Happy Anniversary. Thanks for sharing a very inspiring post.
Hi Lynne! Thanks for stopping by SMART Living and sharing your thoughts. Yes, if my post does nothing more than remind others that BIG CHOICES deserve a lot of focus and communication, then I’m pleased. Staying aware and awake about those choices is very important for a SMART & happy life. Thanks for your good wishes! ~Kathy
Kathy, My late husband Jim and I wanted to stay married, as both of our parents had, but we wanted to be far more happy about it than our parents seemed to be. We learned better communication methods, learned to handle upsets respectfully, and broke through the first few years of intense conflict to enjoy the remaining 17 years we had together with profound loving and appreciation. Some of your readers may like to check out the book Jim and I wrote together titled #howtostaymarried&loveit! It’s available as an e-book and shortly available again as a paperback on amazon.com I’m so happy for you and Thom!
Hi Nancy! I’m sure it’s bitter-sweet to remember what a great marriage that you had Nancy. I can’t even imagine how to deal with that kind of loss. But thankfully you have all those good memories to carry you forward. Do you have a link to your book for anyone who might be interested? Feel free to leave the URL where people can buy it. ~Kathy
Happy Anniversary! I enjoyed reading this and hearing how you hammered out differences and made choices that were right for you. Here’s to many more happy years together.
Hi Pat! Thanks for stopping by and for your good anniversary wishes. I realize the choices we’ve made might not fit everyone–but yes, they’ve worked for us and we plan for MANY more in the future. ~Kathy
Great post – happy anniversary! My marriage is so different from my parents, and my husband’s parents. We’ve been married 24 years, and being best friends has helped us through all the rest!
Hi Lana! And yes, it was a great anniversary. I’m hoping that a lot of us can say that our marriages are very different AND BETTER than our parents. We have so many more choices so I think we should plan our lives accordingly. Happy 24 years to you and your husband. I think that being best friends is a HUGE part of it! ~Kathy
I love this, Kathy! And I love that you two pledged to “stay together only as long as it works.” I’ve seen so many people trying to ride a dead horse, because they made a vow. Marriage takes a lot of work, and there are a lot of factors that are not within both partners’ control. What a blessing that you found such a perfect companion to journey through life with!
Hi Bethany! I’m so glad you took it in exactly the right way. I suppose it can sound rather cavalier to some people but a big key is the fact that we talked about it and got clear about that before we ever took the step. I wonder how many couples think that, or worse, but never express those thoughts before getting married. And then like you say, stick it out and make themselves miserable. I’m all for working it make it a good relationship, but as you said, when the horse is dead it is time to move on.
And yes, I’m grateful every day (and 99% every minute!) that Thom and I are together ~Kathy
Oh!! really? You seem to resemble your mom so much! look at your latest picture (About) and then look at your mom’s face in that black and white pic, even the smile is the same!
Hi again Balroop! I consider it a compliment that you think I look like my mom. She was a beautiful woman in my eyes. We also both ended up blonds so there is DEFINITELY a resemblance there. 🙂 ~Kathy
Hi Kathy,
Happy Anniversary and wish you many more years of such an awesome understanding and eternal love! I have heard that such couples continue their journey together for seven births. If that be true, wishing you such togetherness.
What I like the most about your story is that you discuss each and every topic and hammer it down, still respecting each other’s point of view! That is the secret of a good and lasting relationship! You are looking so lovely in that black and white picture and Thom is no less than you. You make the handsomest couple!
Thanks for sharing a wonderful story of a loving relationship and the pictures enhance the beauty. Stay blessed and ENJOY!
Hi Balroop! Thank you so much for your good wishes. I LOVE the idea of spending 7 lifetimes with those we are deeply connected with. Thom and I are certain this isn’t our first go-around but I’m hoping that we’ve only had one previous life together because then we will get four more after this! Thank you for that possibility!
Thanks for the compliment but the black-and-white photo is my mom and dad back in 1951. They were a very attractive couple huh? I thought the photos were a nice contrast because they were standing in front of the church they were married in traditional “white” dress and a suit and tie. Thom and I were outdoors in the mountains…and I had on a RED dress that my girlfriend made for us. And Thom had a suit on–but it was made of blue jeans. Definitely a contrast right from the beginning.
Thanks again for your good wishes! ~Kathy
Happy Anniversary and love photos so I loved studying yours. Who is that again holding the cigarette? Telling of the changing times.
Our marriages are, of course, different from our parents. Thank goodness! My parents are now married for 62 years! But their marriage is so different than ours…
Happy Anniversary, Kathy! And many, many more!
Hi Cathy! Thanks for the Anniversary wishes. That’s my mom holding the cigarette….she smoked her whole life and tried to quit but just couldn’t do it. It was the reason she passed at such a young age (73). Definitely changing times and different perspectives.
Good for your parents at 62 years. That is amazing. When you’ve been together that long I’m sure you have just about morphed together–ha! And some of their reasons for staying together make sense when you put it in context to the last 62 years. I can’t quite imagine who that feels to be married that long–but I’m looking forward to finding out! ~Kathy
Hi Kathy,
Wishing you and Thom a very Happy Anniversary – well in advance 🙂
My goodness! You both look so lovely together and I loved all the pictures you shared here too. So wonderful to see your family.
Yes, our marriages and experiences are bound to be different from our parents, or from any other couples for that matter. I think we all go through our own share of ups and downs. What’s best in your case was that you both were best of friend’s before you got married and divorce was never thought of, as you mentioned, which in most marriages doesn’t always happen. Awesome indeed – and I wish you many many more years of happiness and togetherness 🙂
Thanks for sharing. Happy weekend 🙂
Hi Harleena! Thank you for your Anniversary good wishes. The big day was actually yesterday so I’m enjoying the WHOLE weekend too 🙂
Both Thom and I consider ourselves fortunate that our parents stayed together in spite of their many differences. It sure made our life as their kids easier in so many ways. But like I said in the post, I knew that my parents were very different people from each other and that at sometimes that caused them deep unhappiness. I think (and yeah I’m just guessing cuz I don’t know for sure) but they stayed together because of us (the kids) and because they were comfortable and couldn’t see their lives beyond where they were. I would like to believe that life calls us forward to be more than just comfortable or to do it because we can’t think of any better options. The world today is much different from when they married and the choices they made. I would hope most of us stay awake and aware enough to make the right choices for ourselves when or if the time comes. ~Kathy
CONGRATULATIONS!! 37 years is very impressive. It is a blessing to find that person who makes you more than what you were before. My wife and I always talk about the “we” that the two of us have become. WE found each other later in life after each raising a family and are a wonderful fit. WE share similar beliefs, interests, passions, and view of the future. WE are great together but also allow for individual time to pursue personal interests. WE don’t always agree but are open to discussion and compromise. WE are looking forward to our retired life together as soon as she finishes her current job. WE can’t imagine a life without the other at our side. Although we are about 30 years behind your wedded record, we look forward to what the future holds. Happy Anniversary!
Hi Dave! Thanks for your good wishes! But thank you for your great story as well. I actually know quite a few couples who tell a similar story. I think what happens is that after the first go around you become much more aware of what is important to you and what will make you happy in a relationship. And by choosing your next partner carefully, you end up creating the relationship you always wanted. In so many ways Thom and I were lucky we found each other the first time–but I congratulate you now, because it sounds like you’ve found it! ~Kathy
Congratulations, Kathy! It’s amazing to hear about your lifelong happiness with Thom! I’ve been with my husband 11 years and married for 6 … I’m hoping for AT LEAST 31 more years! I hope these thoughts will help me consider what’s important.
Hi Sarah! Thank you for your good wishes! Yes, like I said in the post is feels weird to think we’ve been married so long because only OLD people have been together that long and I sure don’t feel old. 🙂 And good for you for your 11 years….yeah, I think that counts even if you weren’t married for the whole time you’ve been together. Just know that it gets easier (IMHO) after the first 15-20! Ha! That might sound like a lot but it does go pretty fast. And most important of all is what you said, “I hope these thoughts will help me consider what’s important.” As long as you keep that firmly in mind your life will unfold perfectly! ~Kathy
Congratulations to you, Kathy, and Thom! It’s wonderful thing to be with the partner you love, and to have shared so much. It’s also a credit to both of you that you have weathered some storms and are still together. I hope you have many more years of wedded bliss. And Happy Writing.
Hi Diana! Thank you for the anniversary good wishes. Yes, I do agree that it is wonderful to be with a partner you love! AND one that encourages writing too….I will have to come and read your post about “giving birth to a book.” I know the process and appreciate it in others! ~Kathy
Happy, happy, happy Anniversary to you and Thom!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, marriage is work. It takes effort. I think one of the reasons divorce rates are so high is because people aren’t willing to put the work in. Can you imagine if you quit your job every time you hit an obstacle or conflict? Or imagine dumping your child at an orphanage because he/she did something that displeased you? Most people wouldn’t even consider either of those. Yet, for some reason, it’s perfectly fine to throw in the towel at the first sign of hardship when it comes to marriage. I find it very sad.
Love your explanation of how your marriage differs to those of your parents and in-laws. Definitely 5 important pieces of foundation for a solid marriage.
Hi Nancy! I so agree that marriage takes work in the same way that anything valuable and important takes time, energy, focus and commitment. I’m just not sure that most people divorce because people don’t work at it. Sometimes people marry people that every single other person in their life knows just isn’t a good fit and they do it anyway. No how much they might “work” at it, they might have a “marriage” like my folks did but I think people really want more in this day and age than just a nice roommate.
In our generation and before, I think people stayed together because of the children. And yes, I do think that’s important. If you want kids you should really, really know that you’re in it for the long haul. But, now that we don’t have to marry to have children OR to even have children if we don’t want them, I think there is much less pressure to just “put up” with a relationship where you tolerate each other because it’s easy and comfortable. By taking the time to think it through before marriage, staying as conscious and awake and aware as possible through the process, then maybe it won’t seem like “work” but just an journey of growing and evolving together?
Thanks for the anniversary good wishes….It was a GREAT day (yesterday!) ~Kathy