My sister Ann 1952-2018
“Life has got to be lived—that’s all there is to it. At seventy, I would say the advantage is that you take life more calmly. You know that ‘this too shall pass.’” ~Eleanor Roosevelt
This morning during my walk I listened to Brene Brown’s new Podcast. In this recent episode she was talking to “grief expert” David Kessler. While I was unfamiliar with his work or his books, I have read the works of his former co-worker, Elizabeth Kubler Ross. After years of research and study, along with their own experiences of loss and grieving, Ross and Kessler offer a road map to any person suffering from loss or grieving. After listening to a great conversation between Brene and David, I was left with several questions. The big one was asking whether it’s possible that those of us over a certain age, say 60-65, have an advantage over the young in these times. Here are a couple of thoughts that popped up for me.
First off, I think it is important to mention that both Kessler and Brown acknowledge that we are ALL going through stages of loss and grief during this pandemic. Even if we are fortunate enough to stay healthy and have everyone we know escape the virus, we are all still profoundly feeling the loss of our former way of life. Just as people commonly refer to the time before 9/11 and what has changed, once this time is past we will all tell stories about how things “used to be.”
So not only are we experiencing the loss of life as we know it, many of our illusions about our country, our leadership, our economic system and our healthcare are also being deeply challenged on a daily basis. On a more individual perspective, we are grieving our loss of personal freedoms, our loss of convenience and comfort, along with our mobility. Most of us have had to give up our plans for the next couple of months, our social gatherings, our spiritual gatherings and some even have had to give up family gatherings. Then there are those who can’t work and have lost their jobs and their income. Children have lost their time at school, which includes their friends, connections, and their introduction to their world beyond their parents. The list of loss goes on and on.
Adding to the problem is the danger in denying that we are even feeling loss. Even if we manage to squelch the anxiety smoldering within, it will likely be directed onto those we care about inappropriately. We might also try to self-medicate with food, alcohol, drugs or other behaviors that can actually make us more susceptible to illness (not to mention more miserable) than before. Plus, we can be insensitive to anyone else who is suffering as much, or more, than we are.
Okay, so once we accept that there is a lot of grief, loss and disappointment happening to all of us, what are a few things we can do besides acknowledge it? After listening to David Kessler I remembered my father. I distinctly recall that towards the end of his life most of his family, friends and acquaintances had already passed away. My mom had died a few years earlier—and obviously that was his closest connection to loss. Plus, only one of his seven siblings was still alive. In addition, Dad was deeply connected to his buddies at the local Elks Lodge. I think he was a member of that group for over 50 years and up until weeks before his passing he went there at least once a week to play pool and socialize. But the joy slowly diminished because of all his friends, I think there was only one guy from the old crowd who still remained. He too passed shortly after Dad.
I remember thinking how difficult that would be—watching so many people you care about disappear from your life. But in reality, Dad seemed rather resigned to it. And rather than let it crush him, I had the sense that he had made peace with the idea that we all must face loss on a regular basis. And the older we are, chances are we have all navigated loss and its accompanying grief through the years.
Think about it. Aging itself asks us to accept the loss of our youth and what that used to mean. While many of us are still very healthy—sometimes even healthier than we were when we were young—it’s different and I think we know it. We’ve also had to give up the idea that we had endless years to strive and achieve things—because there was always the sense that we would recover and eventually reach our goals no matter how many years it took. Many of us have grown to accept that the goals we worked so hard for, for dozens of years, really weren’t that fulfilling or safe or rewarding as we hoped for when we started. When the idea that our future is shorter than we ever considered when we were young, things change. We adjust. Even if we’ve never given it a thought, we usually accept the loss and disappointment, and keep on looking for the good, the positive, and the future.
I’m also guessing that once most of us who have reached a certain age we’ve had someone close to us pass away. Obviously if our parents are no longer around that’s a big one. Then there are siblings. My older sister Ann passed away two years ago from cancer. Suddenly I went from a lifetime of having three sisters to having two sisters—and I’m still adjusting to how that change defines me. I think we are all adjusting to our losses, one way or another. Kessler is clear that we each have our own unique style of grief and it is something we must all face if we are to continue living life the best we can.
So shouldn’t those experiences give us some small advantage over those who are younger? Some of those under 50 have been lucky enough to have never lost a job or struggled for income. Most of them have never yet had someone close to them die. Many of them have enjoyed the freedoms that we all take for granted these days—things like endless entertainment of just about any variety, the ability to travel the world in relative safety, the ability to go to school and follow any profession we choose, the ability to find and love another person regardless of their race, religion, sexual orientation or location world-wide.
Suddenly all that is on hold and even when many of our freedoms return, it will be different. We will be different. We’ll all be saying things like, “Remember when you used to be able to hug or shake hands with anyone you met without thinking about where they’ve been?” Or how about just assuming all restaurants and stores are “clean.” Like before the AIDS Epidemic where sexual freedom was far less restrictive, the whole world will start thinking about how easily one person can infect the world, how our leadership can either support or destroy our confidence in government, how healthcare becomes really important if you need it, and how valuing our relationships is far more rewarding than pursuing money or success at any cost.
After listening to that podcast this morning I realized that perhaps one of the most supportive things we seniors can do for those younger than us, is to model a sense of resilience, peace and hope. I personally don’t think our worry or anxiety will save them or be that helpful. And how does blame, anger or fear guide anyone forward? I tend to think the most comforting action of all would be to show them the same sort of peaceful acceptance my father demonstrated towards his unavoidable litany of losses.
But let me be clear, I’m not saying we just give up and accept things we can change. Right now the serenity prayer used by AA is very relevant. Can we learn to “accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference?” Let’s continue to do what we can to stay healthy and encourage others to do the same. Let’s support each other any way we can—from a distance. Let’s keep in mind that we have lived through a lot and faced many losses by the time we reach our age—and we’re still here . And regardless of all the changes that might be coming—let’s stay hopeful that we will come through it together—and be stronger, more resilient, more compassionate toward each other, and more focused on what really matters in our lives. Plus, it is SMART to remember that no matter what, we always have the choice about how we respond to any situation. And yes, this too shall pass.
Kathy, I’m sorry for the loss of your sister. Even though two years have gone by, it is clear you miss her very much.
I too have been thinking about the stages of grief, and how they apply to our response to the losses of this pandemic. Even though the diminution of personal freedoms is not as shattering as the loss of a loved one, nevertheless we are grieving what we used to have (and take for granted) and no longer have during this time of sheltering in place. It is okay to have feelings of anger, denial, bargaining, etc. That is our way of working through our grief. I agree with you that with age comes more experiences of loss, and as the losses pile upon each other, we learn to live with the losses and ultimately to accept that loss of loved ones and eventually our own death is a natural and necessary part of life.
Jude
You’re welcome Kathy, though it’s strange I don’t see my comment here to respond to you. You said:
“Hi Pat, Thank you for letting me know this resonated with you. I really like that statement “It’s a time when under pressure much will be revealed.” So very true! And may you also stay healthy and sane! ~Kathy”
Hope you’re doing well in the lock down and wish the same for you to stay healthy and sane!
Hi Kathy!
For years, I’ve felt bad for my eldest elders, understanding and realizing how their friends and family have all passed before them and how devastating that must be. I’m constantly confronted with it, when joining my oma years ago (before she passed away) and with my in-laws now. I’m so glad your dad dealt with all this splendidly!
Maybe it’s age, maybe it’s experience, that teaches us the meaning of loss and disappointment. Mark and I lost a few loved ones (including our dearest dogs) well before it was their time. As a result, we were only in our thirties when we had to deal with a good bit of loss. Plus, we went through a serious illness as well. It’s never easy, but it toughens you up. And, even though this pandemic resembles some of those feelings, for me, they come nowhere near actually losing people or battling a life-threatening disease.
The direct results of COVID-19 for some, however, is as devastating when it comes to losing a job, a loved one, or it leading to a divorce…
Hi Liesbet. You surely have experienced a lot of loss for someone at your age. And I agree that most of us who are “sheltering in place” and feeling healthy for now might not recognize the game-changer that this experience is world-wide. It doesn’t seem that different, and our lives might not be that different (yet) but I can’t help but believe that this will have global consequences that in some ways will be better for the planet and likely humans over the long haul. I’m actually hoping it is a sharp wakeup call for those any who just sees the planet and other people as “resources” for their pleasure and profit. If that doesn’t change somewhat soon, who knows where that will take us. Stay healthy and sane! ~Kathy
Yes, let those of us who have some wisdom and experience, “model a sense of resilience, peace and hope.” I didn’t think we would survive the AIDS crisis but we did. Lets help and support those whom we can and surely count our blessings!
Hi Gary! I think many of us have a relatively short memory-span so we sometimes forget how much we have been through and survived. With time typically flying by so fast (until recently) we just often put the past away and forget about it. Maybe that’s been part of our problem??? Thanks for sharing thoughts on this! ~Kathy
I remember when my mom died, my dad was devastated. He even went for counseling, which was so unlike my dad. At the time I didn’t understand. My mom was 88, had been sick for years. What did he expect? Of course, now I have a better appreciation of what it’s all about. Anyway, after a year or so he found a girlfriend. Good for him. Alas, it only lasted a year before he, too, at age 91, met the fate we all meet. But he lived life to the fullest, right up to the end. May we all do as well.
Hi Tom! In so many ways your dad sounds like mine. My mom had been sick for years too so we all thought he’d be somewhat relieved–instead it devastated him. We knew he was in bad shape when he decided to cut his own hair and practically shaved it all off (not in a good way.) He didn’t go to counseling though, but he did have all his daughters to help him through. And like your dad, after about 6 months he started dating a woman he had known for years (a widow) and they hit it off. The remainder of his life was like your dad’s very happy. I get that mourning is important for each of us, and I do it in my own way, but I also feel we have to keep living life. Thanks for sharing your Dad story with us. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy,
I needed this post, thank you. You put into words many of my feelings. “Even if we manage to squelch the anxiety smoldering within, it will likely be directed onto those we care about inappropriately. Plus, we can be insensitive to anyone else who is suffering as much, or more, than we are.”
I have a 91 year old father living in his home alone and a sister in assisted living, sequestered to her room for safety. I also have a husband whose anxiety is extremely high now. It is my husband who I loose patience. I am at times very insensitive to him and struggle to understand why….as you have written, it is my anxiety directed towards him. I am the calm one, the firefighter but not always with my husband. I have a choice how to respond. And to be insensitive does not feel good to me too.
I used to have the serenity prayer on a little card with me….going to do that again….
Thank you again for this post. Be safe
Jamie
Hi Jamie. Thank you. I’m glad you found some of my thoughts helpful. I just know that my own anxiety tends to lie down deep and if I don’t get present enough to identify it, it definitely pops out at Thom (just ask him for verification.) I too think I’m getting better at it than the first week or so, but only time will tell 🙂 And I’m so sorry to hear about the stress of having your father at home by himself and your sister in assisted living. Worry about them it so natural. Just do the best you can in the moment and be gentle on yourself too! Stay healthy and sane! ~Kathy
I agree that, as we get to a certain age, we (most of us) have dealt with a series of losses and have discovered (again, most of us) that we are indeed resilient. When we are young, we can be much more me-focused and, rather than understand self-sacrifice for the greater good, we tend to focus on how it is impacting us NOW. To feel a teeny less helpless, I’ve been busy sewing masks for Paul and me as well as for friends. It’s small but at least I can do something.
Hi Janis, I agree that when we are younger we often don’t “understand self-sacrifice for the greater good.” I wonder if anyone’s done any official research on that??? And good for you and Paul for doing your small part. I think we have a bigger perspective and see the world from a longer haul than those younger and that does encourage helping if we can. ~Kathy
Kathy, I needed this today since I am becoming somewhat resentful toward those who are blatantly disregarding safety measures during this crisis. People behaving badly is not something I am accepting of (especially when it directly affects me) and I have had to refer to the words of the serenity prayer often. Well, that and biting my tongue works pretty well too. My new mantra – today I will do my best, I cannot dictate the actions of others.
Hi Suzanne! I KNOW! Isn’t it crazy to see others who seem to totally disregard the facts about isolating? I am also a problem who has trouble with people “behaving badly!” That’s why so many of my posts are about trying to do better! Obviously I need my own advice — a LOT! Thanks for your thoughts…and stay healthy and sane!!! ~Kathy
Thank you, Kathy. I share your same thoughts and sentiments, for sure. It’s a time when under pressure much will be revealed. Take care and be safe and well.
Hi Pat, Thank you for letting me know this resonated with you. I really like that statement “It’s a time when under pressure much will be revealed.” So very true! And may you also stay healthy and sane! ~Kathy
Lovely thoughts, Kathy! I’d LIKE to model peace, acceptance, equanimity, and I’d like to think that sometimes I actually manage to do it. One of the pieces of advice going around is to remember, when one is at the store, that lots of people are not at their best right now — they’re as freaked by wearing a mask or gloves as we are. (Who knows? Maybe more freaked out.)
I loved that Donna is fostering a dog! We’re doing little stuff: buying gift cards at places we’d ordinarily be shopping, doing take-out from the restaurants that do it (and tipping well!), donating the money we’re saving on gas to a charity for hungry children.
Hi Nancy! Thank you so much for pointing out that we are all doing the best we can–and remind ourselves that others might have it much more difficult than us. And good for you for doing your little bit to help your local community. We will be doing our first take-out food tonight at a restaurant where my niece is the manager. I did grill her on their safety procedures, but she assured me that precautions are being taken. I agree that helping each other in little ways we can is very important. Thanks for your thoughts on this! ~Kathy
Kathy, I agree how we are all going through the stages of grief right now. I am very grateful for my present life and I have no right to be sad. Yet, I am also “feeling the loss of our former way of life.” And yes, “the list goes on and on.”
I am very sorry about your sister’s passing, Kathy.
I have always felt I needed to be a role model to my daughters. You say it well on how we can be supportive at this time “to model a sense of resilience, peace and hope.” An excellent post, Kathy! You validate my feelings, yet provide examples on how we can move forward. Choices. We will get through this together.?
Hi Erica! Yes isn’t it easy to focus on how we individually are affected even when most of us have nothing to complain about. I catch myself all the time. And thank you for mentioning Ann. The anniversary of her passing is next week so she’s on my mind.
I thought something you said yesterday was very wise. You said something like, we have been preparing for this “now” our whole lives. We will get though it one way or another. ~Kathy
Hi, Kathy – Once again you have offered very timely and thought-proving gems. Right when everything seems hopeless, we do have choices. Modelling a sense of resilience, peace and hope is an important one. And remembering that no matter what, we always have the choice about how we respond. Richard and I are sheltering in place, shop online and other than walking deserted trails; we are not in physical contact with others. We are connecting to friends and family through phone, texts and video conferencing. Still, we wanted to do something for our community but were not able to find out something meaningful that we could do from our home, that uses are skill set. Right when I was pondering this, we received a call asking if we would foster a dog in need until the shelters open again. That we CAN do! As soon as we accepted this challenge, our outlook brightened that much further! Big and small, there are tons of challenges/opportunities out there with our names on them. Knowing that we CAN make a difference is very powerful medicine.
Hi Donna! What a perfect example you offer (fostering a dog) to us all. I think we can ALL do something to help…AND we can be a model for those younger than us. From what I can tell LOTS of young adults are worried about their parents, and I get that if their parents are frail or have challenging conditions. But I also think we can show them that we are able to weather this storm. That we’ve been through tough times before and while it isn’t pleasant, and while change isn’t easy, we can come though it. I think there is a fine line between being supportive and being an enabler–like the serenity prayer suggests–it isn’t always easy to know which. Thanks for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
What beautiful thoughts. Thank you
Hi Nora,
Thank you. It was very kind of you to say. ~Kathy
I agree we do have the advantage only because almost invariably we have gone through more downturns and even tragic events than the younger bunch. But these hard-earned coping skills are not valued. As evidenced by some people thinking this pandemic should be let to run its course and to sacrifice the vulnerable (including older people) in order to get back to “normal” sooner.
Sigh…some cultures still value their elders. Just not ours.
Deb
Hi Deb! Yes, regardless of how this all turns out I can’t help but believe that most of us will be okay. Things will be different for sure, but hasn’t it always been that way? When you think of our parents and our grandparents and the changes they’ve seen in the world, we can figure it out too. And while I agree that elders in our culture aren’t valued, I tend to believe we are largely responsible for that too. We raised children as a culture as though they were the center of everything and why should we be at all surprised that they don’t think we have much to contribute? I do think it can change for the better, but I do believe it will take some serious “modeling” for most of them to think of older people as important as they are. Thanks for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy