How I spend my time continues to be on my mind since writing the last blog post. So, my attention was triggered when I started listening to author Daniel Pink discuss his new book about regrets during a podcast. Is it possible that acknowledging regrets can help us spend our time in a more meaningful way—rather than events we try to avoid (or forget) as much as possible? That is part of the basis for Pink’s new book where he explains how and why our regrets can point us in the direction of what matters most to us. Not only can we use our regrets to create a better life, they can also teach us more about ourselves and help us make changes and choices that will lead to a more fulfilling future. And most important, how giving voice to our regrets can often help motivate us to take steps and absolve them for once and all.
Daniel Pink is an author who frequently writes about what motivates people to do what they do, so he has been on my radar for years. His current book, The Power Of Regret—How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward explains how regret is often the most misunderstood of all negative emotions. Why? He believes it is because of our national obsession with positivity. I get that. If we are always focused on the positive and completely ignore the negative, we miss the benefits that both perspectives offer. Of course, he is very clear that too much regret—rumination, whining and complaining—is not the answer. In his view, regret is the ability to look at things in our past, recognize that things might change, and then imagine a better outcome.
Of course, Pink makes an important distinction with how agency impacts regrets. That agency, or ability to choose, marks the difference between regret and simple disappointment. In other words, sometimes we can control what is happening and other times circumstances beyond our control take over. That’s why Pink asks, “Are you the actor or the author of your life?” Is it possible that we are both? To explain this apparent paradox, part of his extensive research into regret asked two questions: Do you believe that you are in control of your life? And second: Do you believe that things happen for a purpose? The majority of those interviewed believed it was both, which led Pink to conclude that life is a mix of fate and circumstance. Do you agree? From my perspective, it confirms the idea that we can’t always control everything that happens in our lives, but we do have the ability to determine how we will respond—and where we go next.
Other interesting points that Pink makes is to group regrets into four areas. He asserts that while there appears to be dozens of categories, his research led to the four core needs. They are:
- Regrets about not taking the chance. By far the largest category, these regrets focus on the things people wished they had done. Again, these events were where the person felt they had a choice but didn’t take it. He confirms that by far people regret not doing something far more than doing it. Two big areas were not starting a business, or not initiating a romance/friendship. Another focus was not speaking up when people had the chance.
- Regrets about not establishing a foundation for one’s life. In this category were regrets about marrying the wrong person, not going to college, not studying hard enough, or not saving and/or recklessly spending money.
- Regrets about not living up to one’s morals or values. While the smallest category, this is where people regretted things like stealing (however small or large), infidelity, taking advantage of others, or being a bully.
- Regrets about not maintaining connections. It’s tempting to make this one mostly about spousal relationships, and according to Pink there were a lot of those. But this category is also about friendships and familial relationships as well. People regret not staying in touch with those they cared about.
A key to Pink’s approach is to recognize that by remembering our regrets from the past we can learn what we value most and identify what we can change for the future. He freely admits that when he was younger the need to rectify his regrets didn’t exist. But now in his 50s he has the “mileage” to look back on his life. He also acknowledges that he still has time to make course-corrections and hopefully create a better life from here on out.
And those course-corrections are why he is so “positive” about regrets. (My adjective, not his!) Behind each of the four is the primary life value that can be gleaned once the regret is acknowledged. Once we recognize the regret, we can start redirecting ourselves more carefully in our future and avoid repeating any mistake we made that caused the regret to begin with. They are:
- For regrets about not taking a desired chance, people can see that it is important to reach for and hopefully grow from actions—rather than let passively and comfort dominate our lives.
- Regrets about foundation point out the human need to establish some consistency and care around the human need to survive and care for our wellbeing on a regular basis. Taking care of our health, living within our means, and accepting our responsibilities are all part of a healthy foundation.
- Regrets about living our values and morals indicate that for the most part people want to do the right thing. By recognizing our desire to do good, we can ensure that our future is more in alignment with this inherent value.
- Regrets about connections show how very important the people in our lives really are. If we can wake up to this realization we can work to appreciate and value all our relationships in the future.
Out of his research Daniel Pink also discovered something he didn’t expect. And that was the value behind revealing regrets. Before writing his book, Pink established the World Regret Survey and ended up with over 16,000 different responses from over 105 countries. Repeatedly he heard from people who thanked him for the opportunity to share their regrets. Pink also believes that we don’t have to verbally confess to another. Just the act of writing down our confession and putting it into words (and a story version) helps in more ways than we know.
With such a focus, I’ve been asking myself what it is that I regret. In some ways it is easier to think about regrets as mistakes I feel I’ve made—although those two are closely relatedly. And in terms of mistakes, both Thom and I feel that the only “true mistake” is the one you don’t learn from. Thankfully, as a life-long student of a good life, I’ve had a LOT of lessons. However, one thing that did come up for me was the regret that I didn’t ask my mother more about her life and her family. Now that she is gone there is no one left who can fill in those holes. My lesson? Don’t wait. Talk to those we care about and ask them to tell us their life story and what is/was important to them.
I recognize that I have had a very fortunate life with a great deal of agency that is not always available to others. But even then, holding the belief that we can all do a bit better with our lives in terms of our choices, our foundation, our values, and our connections, I believe it is SMART to use everything we can (regrets included) to create a good future for ourselves and each other.
Kathy this excellent article has given me much to think about. Whenever I hear someone claim they have no regrets I think to myself ‘just keep living.’ I do believe regret has been a motivator in some of my decisions of late. Especially in being more forgiving of others and when opportunities arise to go for it. I am going to write out some of my regrets in my journal and really exam them. I’m interested in what I might discover. The Power of Regret is now at the top of my extensive list of books to read.
Hi Kathy, I have a few regrets and like you, I tend to view them as mistakes. I have learned that recovery begins with acceptance and forgiveness. Easier said than done, and sometimes it takes time, in fact, years, in the case of a few of mine. But, eventually, and with focused intention, the learning begins.
Not maintaining relationships (and at times torpedoing them) is a big one for me. Maturity and past bad experiences have taught me to be more selective with my friendships. I now know that initial compatibility is not a predictor of success. I’ve learned to be more aware of warning signs that things are going south, and more communicative about the unsettling things that happen along the way. These days I have more graceful exits when one is required.
Ditto to everything Gallen said. Thanks for another thought-provoking post.
Hi Suzanne. Thanks. I’m glad the post brought up some thoughts for you. And I’m guessing many of us can relate to the relationship aspect as well–even if it was just in the way we exited them! Plus, like Pink said, the advantage of being a bit older is that we have some history to look back on and contemplate as well as the hope for a future where things can be handled in a better way. May we all learn to use our experiences in a way that leads to better outcomes for the time we have left. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy, Many great points and food for thought. Your flare for seeing the cup half full is always evident in your posts. You remind me of the popular saying by Maya Angelou (paraphrased) ‘…when you know better, you do better…” You make great points about learning from our past regrets. I will mull further on “revealing regrets.” Thank you for sharing an interesting post.
Hi Erica! Thank you. And congratulations on your article and photos in Readers Digest. That is something to be very proud of. As for me, if I can get people thinking about things in a new way, that makes my day! 🙂 ~Kathy
I like this. Regret can be such a self destructive force when we use it to beat ourselves up, or struggle with accepting the reality of the past without wanting a do over. Your article strikes the balance between an honest assessment of the past in order to inform future choices. That is a tough balance for many. Self acceptance, self forgiveness, self compassion — all needed to embrace ourselves in our full humanity. But if we can do that, then much wisdom is available to us.
Sometimes when I’ve shared a regret with someone, they are quick to try to reframe what I did or didn’t do to make it sound like I didn’t make a mistake. I have to reassure them that I’m not feeling bad about myself. I’m just acknowledging something that I wish I had had the courage or wisdom to do better or differently. It’s okay.
Hi Galen. Thanks for offering up a great example of the “positivity bias” in our culture. And yes, I’ve been guilty of it too. There is such a temptation to “want to make things better” for others that we often jump in with reassurance that it “wasn’t that bad” or “you’ll get over it” anytime we hear someone admit a regret or a mistake. Wouldn’t it be nice to just listen and witness another person as they share something that is on their mind/heart? (and again, I’m speaking to myself here!) I think one reason we don’t all just confess some of our past choices that were less than desirable is because we don’t want to look bad in the eyes of others. But I appreciate Pink’s observation that while we often feel shame over admitting mistakes/regrets, when we do share them with others, we create a deeper sense of intimacy. Maybe we are all just waiting for each other to open our hearts and share what’s really going on?
Thanks for letting me know you thought I was able to explain that balance of “honest assessment of the past in order to inform future choices”. I was hoping for that! ~Kathy
Hi Kathy, what a great article? Where do you listen to your podcasts?
Regret is a very interesting topic. I know I have had regrets over the years. However, I do my best to “analyze” them to see if there was anything I could have done better or differently. It helps put it into perspective. I believe it, also, stops from the “coulda-woulda-shoulda” sort of thinking. I have learned SO MUCH from all of them. And, you are correct, we learn way more from our failures / mistakes than successes / wins.
Like you, I believe reflection gives you a chance to be a better you and have the life you truly want and deserve. Feeling all the emotions, while not ruminating on them, allows you to have a full and satisfying experience. And it reminds you that you’re a different person now than when you had the regret. You’ve learned and grown from it.
I so appreciate all the great information you share and your take on things. You always make me think! Have a great week, Kathy!
Hi Debbie. Thank you. I do have a few favorite podcasts I listen to although I do tend to follow certain authors when I hear they have a new book out. For example, I listen to a lot of Brene Brown and if i like her guests I do a search of their name and listen to more. Because I walk every day for about 45 minutes I listen to a LOT of podcasts. And I love discovering new writers and/or scientists doing interesting work in the world. Oh, and I wrote a blog post about my favorites a while back too 🙂 https://www.smartliving365.com/my-top-ten-favorite-podcasts-for-a-smart-life/ Thanks for asking! ~Kathy
Get it Out! The 12 step programs recommend in step 9: “Made direct amends except when to do so would injure them or others.” Write or talk to someone else will help but carefully consider before talking to another because it may make things worse. Catholics benefit from “Confession” by telling their sins to the priest and asking for forgiveness.
Good article and suggestions Kathy…yes lets keep learning…
Hi Gary! Yes I think the 12-step program does regret pretty well by giving people the opportunity to share their experiences and let go of some of their hurt. And Pink also mentions how nearly every religion has some form of “atonement process” to do that as well. But now with so many people letting go of traditional religion, they don’t have that catharsis available. Definitely something to consider. Glad you liked it Gary. ~Kathy
Kathy – Like Janis, I recently read a novel that made me think about regrets. (The Midnight Library – if you’re intrigued). And realized I really don’t have regrets. Mostly because the choices I made (And I’m a huge believer in making choices – even not making a choice is a choice!) have led me to where I am today and I am very happy with where I am today. Any choice earlier in life, even if it was about taking more chances/risks (a big “Should I have?” question I have had), would have led to a different path. Lessons learned – that I can align with. Looking forward and making different choices now (taking better care of my health, trying new things, shifting beliefs) – yes. Calling them regrets – not so much.
Hi Pat! I’m a LOT like you. I feel that I have also had a lot of agency with making choices and am really happy with them as well. But like I mentioned in some of my replies to other comments, I am wondering if that is because I routinely focus on the positive rather than anything else. And like I mentioned to Janet, I am reading a lot lately about the value of the full range of our emotions. Pink says regret is a VERY common emotion and that we all have it–but that our western culture has gone a long way toward making it a “bad” one so that most of us don’t even recognize it. As a “very positive person” myself I don’t want to necessarily switch over and start feeling bad about things I did or didn’t do either. But I am learning that by recognizing my emotions at any time and then learning and/or letting them go I will freer and more emotionally open than if I suppress any of them–regret included. I have no idea if it will work but like you, I am looking forward to a future where I use “everything” to create a better life. Thanks for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
Another great post filled with questions to ponder Kathy. I embrace the saying “no regrets.” I think this is because I try not to judge yesterday’s decisions with the grace/wisdom of today. I do think there is value in reflecting on past choices to learn from them, but I don’t regret. Does that make sense? And, I found myself thinking about a television show I’ve enjoyed recently – Ordinary Joe. It is the story of Joe’s life in three parts – based on the decisions he’s made. All of the characters are the same in each version but their relationships and their lives are totally different – all based on Joe’s decisions as a young adult: rock star, nurse, police officer. You might check it out.
Hi Janet! Thanks for the show recommendation. I will look it up. As far as regrets go, Pink repeatedly stated that he believes we’ve gone a bit overboard with the “no regrets” approach to life for a couple of reasons. He claims regret is one of the most common negative emotions that humans have and that we (especially in Western Cultures) have grown very accustomed to suppressing it and labeling it and something to avoid at all costs. And while I’m not sure I agree with everything he says about it, I’ll confess that the idea of living with “no regrets” seems very “positive” to me. But if Pink’s research is correct (and I think he’s pretty thorough) then everyone experiences the emotion of regret on a fairly regular basis and that to deny it or overlook it or perhaps just downplay it, we ignore the benefits it can offer us. I’ve been reading a lot lately about the importance of letting ourselves feel our emotions as the best way to experience living completely in our physical bodies and denying any of them cuts us off from that. Plus, I am getting that if there are any regrets buried inside, they will fester and potentially turn toxic at a certain point. By acknowledging them, just like with acknowledging fear or any anxiety, we can let that emotion pass through us and let it go. And yes, again, learn something about ourselves and how we want to be in the future. So I’ve changed my “no regrets” outlook because of this work. Not sure it works for everyone but certainly helpful for me. ~Kathy
I see his point, certainly. I think the important thing is to first recognize the pain that came from the situation. For example, I worked very long hours when my daughter was in her tweens and missed some opportunities to spend time with her. I recognize the pain I feel from that (perhaps that is regret) but I also know that I was in survival mode and functioned the only way I could at the time. I’ve discussed it with her. When I say “no regrets,” I focus on the fact that I’ve reflected, done what I could to acknowledge all aspects of the situation and to repair any injuries caused by it. Then I move on. So perhaps I experience regret but don’t let it fester?
Hi Janet! Oh yes. Pink is very clear that to just let our regrets devolve into rumination is not helpful at all. He is very much about balance. I just get that he feels it is a very misunderstood emotion that deserves a little more credit for how it can help us turn towards creating a better life for ourselves. Never to beat ourselves up, but to acknowledge the “pain” or even just the discomfort of it and say, “okay, next time I’ll do it differently.” Plus I think we tend to make regret only about HUGE life altering things and ignore the regret of overeating, spending too much or saying a less than kind thing to someone else. Again, not to beat ourselves up but to acknowledge the mistake and improve. What do you think? ~Kathy
Hi Kathy – regret is an interesting concept and I’m starting to categorize it in the same framework as worry. Both cause upset and stress and neither contibute anythingmuch of value to our current situation. I’m learning to let both of them go and to focus on the “now” (life’s too short!) I’ve also realized that some of my initial regrets led me to new places that were worth the loss to get there – life is never perfect and there will always be highs and lows, but overall if we’re making reasoned and wise choices, we’ll end up in a pretty good place.
Hi Leanne. I think you bring up an interesting issue with regrets. While regret and worry are similar in that we typically call them “bad” emotions, they are actually different. And again, in the western cultures we tend to believe ANY negative emotion is bad and therefore unhelpful. What was clear after listening and reading of some of Pink’s current work, regret is just an emotion that we all have to some degree. And if we don’t, Pink’s extensive research says we are just suppressing it or denying it. And like suppressing or denying anger or fear, those emotions will often just pop out in unexpected and/or unhealthy ways. So like all emotions, Pink’s advice is to learn to “use it” to learn more about yourself and/or perhaps develop ways to handle such situations better in the future. Of course you are correct that sometimes what looks like an “initial regret” can turn out better than otherwise. But I think the point he is making that resisting any emotion is not the best strategy for people who are committed to living as self-aware and wholeheartedly as we are able. Thanks for your input on this. ~Kathy
Interesting perspective. I recently read a novel that dealt with regrets and how, even if we took – or didn’t take – that path we now regretted, we might not have had the outcome we expected. For example, we may regret not taking a job, but maybe doing so would have had negative results that we will never know about. Anyway, I agree with you: learn from our regrets and focus on making good choices going forward.
Hi Janis! Yes there is always the possibility that the things we regret could have turned out worse than what we got. But I’m thinking that by not trying, we will never know and that is worse than knowing! There have been times in my life that I looking back and tried to imagine my life if I had pursued an academic career in social sciences (it is obviously one of my interests.) But then I compare the life I’ve led and honestly would trade that with all it’s ups and downs for a more “secure” future. Of course I’ll never know for sure if that could have turned out better–but I think a key is the “regret” one feels in relation to the choice. I don’t regret it at all and I’m thinking that makes the difference. If I did regret it, I could always decide today to go back to school and do it differently? Right? Okay I’m rambling but thanks for helping me think that through. ~Kathy
My biggest regrets revolve around his No. 1, not taking enough chances. So these days I try to say “yes” to a lot more opportunities, and also try to instill in my kids the idea that failure is their friend, that if you don’t fail from time to time you’re playing it too safe, not taking enough risks. As the old saying goes: you miss a hundred percent of the shots you never take.
Hi Tom! Good for you for encouraging your children to try things and not be afraid to fail. When it comes down to it, I don’t think we learn much from our successes do we? But the (numerous) times I’ve failed in the past has taught me a lot. AND in some cases led to a lot more fun and fulfillment too. I get that the world can be intimidating, but if we don’t try things when we are young it can be much more difficult when we get older and comfortable! Thanks for your input! ~Kathy
Very interesting thoughts and observations. I have been contemplating regrets in the context of someone who died recently. There are no do overs in this case! But the point about not repeating your “mistakes” is worth remembering. On the other hand sometimes taking the road less travelled ends us up in the same place. We need some way to predict outcomes.
Hi Ann! Isn’t it REALLY important to remember there are no “do-overs” especially when your life is over. Best to recognize them while there is still time left. But as you say, there is no guarantee you won’t end up in exactly the same place. Yet if we catch ourselves with time to course-correct the “story” we will tell ourselves, I’m guessing our future self will be far more empowered knowing that we did it and at least tried. I think the challenge is to use the information the regret or mistake gives us and reach for better understanding. So maybe we don’t need to predict the outcomes, just know that we did our best??? ~Kathy
Hi, Kathy – This is a very interesting post with many great gems to ponder. I believe that life is a mix of fate and circumstance. I also believe that we can influence our fate.
As one who tends not to discuss her regrets, I found Pink’s conclusion that it helps to share our regrets (even just in a diary) to be very thoughtprovoking. Thank you for sharing this.
Hi Donna! Yes that fate and/or circumstance question is a deep rabbit hole if we dare!!! I’m still contemplating it myself. And I too tend to let go (or ignore) regrets as much as possible but I did really appreciate his perspective of using them as a lesson to correct. So while I don’t have a list of regrets, I hope that just knowing that I will be better able to redirect any perceived “mistake” I make and do my better to be a bit better. As for sharing, I suppose that is one reason why I journal. In so many ways it is a “brain-dump” of sorts that helps me clear out and/or resolve any place I’ve stumbled. Thanks for your thoughts. ~Kathy
Thank you Kathy for this article. I have been struggling with a regret thought related to not maintaining relationships from my 20s and 30s. Beating myself up over and over!
Looking at it from the perspective “what lesson did I learn?”, I realize I did learn! I just never looked at my regret from this perspective. I have since my 40s worked at maintaining my relationships. I have fewer yet more meaningful ones.
Hi Jamie! Yes that is an important lesson to remember for sure. As long as we still have time on the planet it is wise to do what we can to not repeat, and hopefully rectify, those things that we regret from our past. So are you going to try to connect with some of those former relationships? Pink says that 99% of the time people will welcome our reaching out to reconnect. Would love to hear what happens if you do??? ~Kathy