Friends in Ajijic
One of the things I’ve enjoyed the most from our time here in Mexico is the amount of friendship we’ve generated in the last two months. Of course, while the local Mexican population here in Ajijic is friendly and accommodating, nearly all our new friends are expats like us. Sure, the area on the lake is beautiful, the town historically quaint and the weather temperate—all which obviously draws people to this location. But beyond that, Thom and I seem to have proportionally found more people to connect to here in this small town, and in a surprisingly rapid time period, than we ever do in other travels or back home in the U.S. Naturally that has me asking myself, what is it about this area that seems so conducive to easily finding and then encouraging such relationships?
New friends in Ajijic
A few of the more obvious explanations are that most of the expats here are retired and in our age group. The only children visible are the adorable local kids. It’s apparent while walking through town or eating in the restaurants that the majority of the expat population is from either the U.S. or Canada. And while there are obviously differences in income and lifestyle—some manage fairly well on their social security alone, while others live a more lavish lifestyle. Like anywhere there is some distinction in resources but it doesn’t feel as obvious as in other places we’ve visited. Perhaps most clearly of all is that the people who call Ajijic home like to travel and are unafraid to explore parts of the world other than their country of origin. Plus, perhaps unsurprisingly, because they have chosen to make Mexico their home, most are of the liberal persuasion socially and politically.
More new friends in Ajijic
What’s the saying, “Birds of a feather flock together?” I believe that is a big reason why we feel so comfortable here and find it easy to connect with others. While there are a lot of things to do here, the pace of the “doing” seems to be more relaxed. And rather than face dozens of obligations with family and former friends and associations, people here are able to take the time to make plans and connect. (Of course, the dozens of restaurants with reasonable prices makes that easy!)
But something else occurs here in Ajijic that we found very similar to cohousing communities in the U.S. that we visited in several states. In those communities people walk past each other nearly every day and they are connected in dozens of ways (managing the property together, planned social events, front porches, etc.) that those of us who live in suburban areas don’t often encounter. Like cohousing communities, Ajijic is small and compact with a Central Plaza where people gather. This plaza is surrounded by coffee shops and restaurants with lots of benches under trees where it is pleasant to sit and chat with others. The Malecon (or boardwalk) along the lake is perfect for taking a morning or evening stroll. People are accessible to each other making it easy to connect.
Even more new friends!
There is something else unique to Ajijic that contributes to connecting people and that is a local organization named The Lake Chapala Society (LCS). Founded in the 1950’s by an amazing woman named Neill James who was an adventurous American-born travel writer who explored the world. She settled in Ajijic to recuperate from a serious hiking injury and there she began “helping the Mexican people help themselves” by setting up scholarships and educational programs, English classes, art and computer classes. LCS has evolved into a membership that supports both locals and expats in hundreds of ways. Through their activity heavy calendar there are a dozen events every day as well as beautiful gardens, a huge English library, class rooms and a restaurant where you can meet someone new every day. Because of Neill, LCS has helped Ajijic become home to what is considered the largest expat community in Mexico.
At the twice weekly line dancing class here at LCS and a great way to meet new friends.
Weekly “Open Circle” meetings at LCS with a variety of speakers.
In the end these qualities confirm the principals of “The Mere Exposure Effect” and “The Proximity Effect.” The exposure effect states that people tend to “like” the people that look like them and that they encounter on a frequent basis—often forming close relationships. While the Social Proximity effect explains that we are drawn to, and often mirror the people we hang out with. I think many of us have heard of the research that shows that “A person’s chances of becoming obese increased by 57% if he or she had a friend who became obese in a given interval.” (1). At the same time, “People who hang around smokers or drinkers are more likely to smoke and drink themselves. And you’re more likely to buy things the people you’re closest to also buy. Their values become your values.” (2)
From my perspective these two effects appear to explain why we have found it so easy to find friends and connect here in Ajijic. They are also a good reminder that we are highly influenced by the people we see and encounter most often. Of course, this can be a benefit as well as a detriment. If those people are healthy and happy, we will tend to be too. If they are depressed, practice unhealthy habits or are drawn to mindsets like conspiracies or chasing the Joneses, it is likely we will be the same. When our parents harped about the quality of our friendships, they might have been right on track!
Weekly discussion group with LCS with lots of new friends.
This does not deny the large value in creating more diverse communities and friendships. We have much to learn from people who come from different backgrounds than us with different perspectives. However, when it comes to friendship, exposure and proximity have a big part to play.
Ajijic, MX offers a lesson for those of us who want to create deeper and closer relationships as we grow older. Let’s not just passively accept loneliness and lack of friends when there are actually things we can do to improve our situation. Let’s acknowledge that our environment, our communities, and our neighborhoods have a bigger influence on the quality of our lives than we usually acknowledge. I’m not suggesting we all move to Ajijic (FYI Thom and I aren’t!) but finding and/or creating a similar engaging and supportive community could be the SMARTest thing you do in the years to come.
- New England Journal of Medicine: 2007. https://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJMsa066082
- Social Proximity Effect. https://www.riskology.co/proximity-effect/
What an exciting post, Kathy! Sounds like you and Thom live an adventurous and interesting lifestyle. Thanks for commenting on Janis’ story for Story Chat. My way of saying thank you is to link your blog and most recent post on the post as well as the summary post coming up in a week.
Hi Marsha! Thanks for dropping by SMART Living! And thanks for the links as well. Always nice to meet new writers/bloggers. I look forward to reading more of you and your friends writing. ~Kathy
What an interesting article. I like the aspect of proximity effect. We tend to find that as well when we travel. We don’t seem to have trouble meeting and chatting with people from all backgrounds. And we’ve had some very interesting and enlightening conversations that way – with expats and with locals. It makes the trip so much more enriching. And some areas seem to be better at because of programs or they’ve gone out of their way to encourage get-togethers.
I agree about trying to fit in with local culture. Trying to learn the language is important as it shows them respect for their country, I think. We tried to read up on as many customs and “faux pas” as we could so we wouldn’t be guilty of them LOL. I think we do okay for the most part.
And, yes, like attracts like in a lot of cases. We’ll get to discover it more in our future travels and, hopefully, meet more expats than we have so far. However, like I said the locals are all very welcoming and friendly – wanting to sit and chat or “take a coffee”.
Glad you found a community like Ajijic and, hopefully, Arizona will provide a similar experience. Looking forward to hearing about it.
Hi Debbie! Yes, as much as I appreciate the good qualities to where we are living now–I believe they lack the sort of proximity effect that other locations have quite naturally. If it takes a 30 minute drive (or more) to connect to the people and/or events you care about, then they often just don’t happen. The spontaneity of getting together with people walking by without a plan is priceless. I too hope Arizona will fulfill a lot of that and I hope that your travels and where you end up will do the same for you. Thanks for your thoughts! ~Kathy
Although I lived overseas for a number of years on three different continents, and loved it, I was never drawn to be a permanent expatriate. But I will say that one of the things I liked the best about being a temporary expatriate was integrating as much as possible in the local culture. As you said, learning the language is really important if one wants to have friends in the local community. And of course one needs a healthy respect for local customs and manners and history. Having said all that, however, I also appreciated having a group of friends from my own culture to hang out with.
As for why it’s sometimes easier to create community in an expat environment, I found that our shared expat experience created common ground. I had what I considered “geographical” friends, that is, people who were friends because of a shared experience in a specific location, but whose friendship did not continue when one of us moved. And I had friends whose friendship knew no borders and with whom I’m still friends.
Staying in another country for an extended period beyond a brief vacation opens up all sorts of opportunities to meet interesting people and to connect in meaningful ways. I love hearing all your reflections about your experience.
Hi Galen! It is wonderful to be able to experience different cultures but like you said, you have to be there for awhile to even appreciate all that is offered (a cruise ship stop DOES NOT qualify!)
And I agree that a big part of the reason that we connected with so many expats is exactly like you said. Just the experience of being similar in a shared experience makes a big difference. Then exploring different interests and options helps to narrow down the playing field. But I still believe a big part of it is proximity effect. When you live in a small connect village (or even a separate community within a large whole) it is much easier to connect.
We are going to be spending more time in Tucson this winter where we bought our park model. The community “feel” is similar in many ways. It will be an interesting experiment to see if my “bias” is confirmed 🙂
I hope you are doing well and who knows? We might work our way up your direction next summer!
~Kathy
I would so love it if y’all did come up my way! Just last week I had a blog friend visit (from India!) — we had never met in person and she had never been to the US before. We had the best time! And Bob and Betty were up here for a visit this summer. I’ve met several blog buddies in person and it has always been great.
Nice to see that Ajijic is working so well for you and Thom! We’re going to try San Miguel de Allende this winter and either Costa Rica or Ajijic the following year (if the fates are kind). It sounds lovely, and I’ll bet every year you stay, you know more people. Have you rented the same place each year?
Hi Nancy! We have been to Ajijic three times now and the last two we were at the same house. But we’re thinking that we might try a different house next time. There were things we loved and some things we’d like different. None are perfect of course and besides, we like to mix it up anyway. Our new friends are all over the place! We DO like being close to the malecon and LCS though and because we walk 99% if the time we will stay within 10-15 minutes of both.
It will be interesting what you think of San Miguel (have you been there before?) We went there first (before finding Ajijic) and found it more like a “city” than a “town.” We like that small town atmosphere best although not everyone does. They have a nice square and a expat community but not nearly as “welcoming” in our opinion as Ajijic. And of course no lake 🙂 You’ll have to let me know which you prefer when you go exploring! ~Kathy
Kathy, it must have been interesting to ‘do the dance’ (think Pride and Prejudice) with so many like-minded people all in one place. No doubt your personalities and intellect attracted quality over quantity and you left with lasting friendships.
Since selling our home in 21, Malcolm and I have been experimenting with what ‘community’ means for us. Our year-long apartment rental in a 55 and over community parallels a lot of what you have stated here about similarities and proximity. After a while, we found it tedious to ‘live’ that way as there was an expectation of being ‘on’ at all times. Mostly, we just want to share a meal with two friends and have a nice conversation without having to invite the whole gang. The townhouse community where we live now is the complete opposite, with younger folks who leave for jobs every day. There is no established ‘community’ or opportunities to meet people except by happenstance. Dog walkers definitely have an advantage here. 🙂
Did you find the community cliquish or mostly congenial? And, to echo Janis’s question, were most of the folks residents, or visitors?
Hi Suzanne.
You bring up some really good points. While Thom and I did have a GREAT time while in Ajijic I’m not sure how it would work long term for us. Clearly some people love it because of all the connections. But some of the others keep to themselves exactly like they do here. I think what makes it great is that it is available for everyone and you don’t have to live in a special community (or property) to be a part of it to whatever degree you want. Plus because it is technically a “small town” so that people know each other that way–you end up passing the same people on the streets constantly (MOST people walk everywhere rather than drive and that is pretty irregular for the states.)
And where we live in California it is a neighborhood much like where you are now. Families and most everyone works. While they are friendly, they mostly come and go and wave on the way by but not much interaction. But I think I mentioned that we bought a park model in Tucson and will be going to stay there for several month this winter. It is a sort of “co-housing” community for 55+ with lots of activities. We honestly don’t know if it will approach the Ajijic model of community or not–and then whether we will like it on an ongoing basis. While Thom is move an introvert than I am, I do tend to like lots of friends but NOT every day all the time! So we’ll see how it goes. And Yes, to sharing a meal with two friends and having a meaningful conversation too!
As for congenial I would say yes for the most part. Like I said, most people seem friendly and happy to chat and get and know you. Because you are exposed to so many people at different events it is easy to just seem to find those with similar interests. There were a few people who didn’t seem as willing to connect but there are plenty of others so it doesn’t really seem to matter. There are considerably more women there than men and lots for single women to do–but we found plenty of couples that we related to as well. And yes, at least during the time of year we were there most people were residents–not visitors. If you come in the “season” you’ll likely run into more of those. I realize it’s not for everyone but worthy of a look for those who are seeking that kind of community. But then again, it is Mexico and some can’t or don’t want to deal with that. ~Kathy
Kathy, I am sure that the cost of living has a lot to do with the high number of single women. It sounds like a win-win to live well and have lots of things to do. I look forward to hearing about your experience in Arizona.
I know that the two of you have spent several extended stays in Ajijic, but this time (at least in seeing your Facebook posts) it seems that you’ve hit the jackpot with new friends. Like Donna said, it’s not surprising, given that the two of you are outgoing and interesting. Just curious, were the majority of your new friends expats living there, or travelers like the two of you. I’m looking forward to hearing even more about your adventure when you return.
Hi Janis! Yes this was one of the best visits to Ajijic out of the 3 we’ve had so far. Of course, like I said to Donna, it helped considerably that both of us were in great health with no issues. And in answer to your question, all of them were residents. Not too many visitors this time of year–most come in the season which is November to April. Some of the new people had moved within the last few months. But some had lived there for five to ten years. One of the couples who have been there for nine years moved their from first being in Panama then another place in Central America. They didn’t see themselves ever leaving. I think for most people you either love it or don’t. So those who make the move are usually in the “love it” category or don’t last long. ~Kathy
Hi, Kathy – I am not surprised that you and Thom are making strong friendships in Ajijic. You are both outgoing, caring and interesting people that goes along way in attracting great friendships.
Hi Donna! Awww…thanks. But as you know we can be fairly outspoken so that may or not appeal to everyone! Yet we seem to find plenty of others here who are the same way. It definitely made for a fun visit. Oh and we were both in great health so that always helps too right? We don’t doubt we will be returning at some point but have no idea when. Too many places to go that we haven’t been so we’ll have to wait and see. ~Kathy
I’m glad you had such a great time (again) in Ajijic, Kathy. I agree that being part of a community and running into like-minded people make it so much easier to connect.
I can’t help but notice that your photos consist of (mostly) gringos participating in these events. It’s so tough to get integration into expat communities in my opinion.
I’m pretty sure that Mark and I will settle abroad at some point, but it is important to us that there is integration. We don’t want to live in “a bubble” in another country. I’m not saying that Ajijic is like that and maybe I’m still too idealistic to think that expats and locals can integrate 100% (it’s very difficult to actually find places where this is the case), but I’d like to believe it’s possible somewhere. I have yet to find that place, though. Because, no matter how you look at it, there are unsurpassable differences between expats and locals.
Hi Liesbet! I know that you know from your travels so far how much easier it is to connect in Latin communities because they happily spend a lot of time outside in their plazas and park having parties and being social–far more than the gringos. However, I did hear quite a few people lamenting the fact that Ajijic is pretty much a gringo hangout–and it’s true. For a more immersive experiences of living in Mexico there are lots of little towns along the lake where the prices are less expensive and the culture more Mexican. However, from what I heard in order to really get involved you have to learn to be pretty fluent in Spanish–and most really aren’t. Plus, most said that if you want to connect to the families–and they are all families!–then you best start helping to support the children in one way or another because then the parents will eventually welcome you into the family! With that all said, I’m thinking most of the expats in Ajijic like living in Mexico and are friendly with the Mexicans but prefer the camaraderie of gringos (and the benefits of that) too much to move further away and attempt to become more Mexican themselves. As you say, those differences are sometimes difficult to navigate. ~Kathy
Thank you for this in-depth answer and explanation, Kathy. I appreciate it. This all makes sense to me and is pretty much what we have experienced in expat “hot spots” (so far) in Colombia and Ecuador as well. And in Baja, Mexico earlier on.
You are so right about reaching the children first. There is one town in Ecuador, Vilcabamba, where I noticed decent integration, starting with a library and programs set up for children. It was rewarding to see how Ecuadorian children and their parents got engaged into a project started by expats.
More great writing and insights. Thank you.
Thanks Jim!