Thinking is contagious. In other words, what we focus on and spend time mulling over in our minds routinely shows up over and over in wanted or unwanted ways. Worried about something? Chances are you will wake up in the middle of the night with those fears running through your head like a wild horse. Intrigued by something? Curious? Delighted? Without a doubt, you will find trails of those ideas leading in all sorts of interesting directions.
That’s why it was no surprise when I stumbled upon a newsletter called Positive Aging by The Taos Institute while surfing the Internet. There I found a newly released book entitled, Paths To Positive Aging—Dog Days with a Bone and Other Essays and I emailed and asked for a review copy. As hoped, this small book of essays generated all sorts of new ideas about aging that I found remarkable. And so it goes.
First, the title—what on Earth does dog days with a bone have to do with positive aging—or any age for that matter? While I won’t go into details, the message is a clear reminder that even in the dog days of summer, as long as you can find a tasty bone to chew, you can easily ignore the heat. Ask my dog Kloe. When gnawing on one of her favorite chews, Kloe is oblivious to just about everything else. So no matter how disadvantaged we find ourselves, discovering the benefits that often lay beneath the surface can reward us in numerous ways.
This book, written and compiled by Mary Gergen and Kenneth J. Gergen, addresses a growing message in the world today—ageism exists. Without even being aware of it, the idea of aging as a period of decline and disease has taken the lead in nearly all past investigations. Fortunately, with the help of the Gergens and many others, that messaging is changing. A few of the new messages found in the book includes ideas on:
- The Liberation Phase—aging offers us all a “liberation” period in our lives when we are no longer bound by the need for productivity. This new freedom severs our need to be a victim of our past and asks us to take action on what comes next. After all, if not now, when?
- Seeing The Third Age of life as our Creative Age—as we move into advanced age we no longer feel the need to “earn our worth.” It is then that we are free to creatively design our life and experiences. Enhancing the idea that children create for the sheer fun of it, we give ourselves permission to play and enjoy our creativity in all that we do.
- Doing what is proper for our age—(or any age) is a societal expectation that limits our possibilities. If you want to wear purple—wear it! If you want to go backpacking in Europe—go! If want to attend Burning Man—buy your ticket! Don’t let expectations of what is proper for your age hold you back from anything you want to do.
- Most research on aging is biased toward the disease and decline model—for example: measuring the fact that it might take you two seconds longer to notice something at 80 as opposed to 40 is trivial. Over-generalizing research findings that compare anyone from 60 to 80 with people from 20 to 40 distort variables. And if the observer affects the observed as is proven in quantum physics, then the expectation of the researcher taints the results. Only recently have a handful of researchers begun to explore the advantages, the increases, and the enrichments that come as we age.
- Those who resist negative labels to aging offer a new variety of hero: the category buster—unfortunately, psychology routinely uses diagnostic categories to slot people into certain areas of pathology. The medical field does it with disease. Once a person accepts such a label, they often begin to shape their entire lives around it. According to the Gergens, “In a sense, they imprisoned themselves.” Instead when we become “category busters” we refuse to be constrained by any label and stay open to what may be possible.
- According to Lifespan studies, every phase of life offers changes—the challenge in older age is to embrace integrity over despair—rather than resist the process, or live with regret and disappointment, we each have the capacity to embrace this age (and every phase of life). By learning and adapting new skills, enhancing our creativity and practicing new ways of living we access tremendous potential.
- Zest for life has a profound influence on both the prognosis of illness as well as the risk of dying—of the many studies cited in this book, this simple look at how life satisfaction impacts our health is dramatic. After following 80 year-olds-and-over for ten years, research reports that those with the highest level of life satisfaction (zest and mood) lived nearly twice as long as those with lower satisfaction. That’s right—twice as long!
This book introduced me to many new authors and studies. But behind them all was the ongoing message that “If aging is to be a positive period of growth, new and important skills are required.” What kind of skills? The Gergens explain it by saying “It is useful to make a rough distinction between two general kinds of skills, those that expand the potentials of living and those that enable us to live with loss.”
Loss. That’s an idea that makes many of us go and turn on the television, grab a cocktail or start scrolling on Facebook. Even those of us who actively pursue the idea of expanding our potential for living, often pause when faced with losing anything.
But what is loss really but a new way of letting go of what no longer serves us? By reframing the idea of losing out on something, and instead to redefine and replace it with something new, the sting of loss becomes more manageable. This is similar to my ongoing focus on rightsizing rather than the more common term of downsizing. Rightsizing implies a going toward something new rather than away from something old. Could it be that redefining aging, like redefining loss, is a path to renewal?
Ultimately, the Gergens communicate that a key to positive aging is seeing the process as an acquired skill. Standing behind that ever-deepening skill is an awareness of how meaning and relationships are essential aspects of its development. That’s why the SMART approach, as always, is to stay open and optimistic about what comes next, and to never forget to add zest!
For more about The Taos Institute
Very good.
As I am rightsizing my life, your writings and quotes have been inspiring.
I like “The Liberation Phase…
Doing what is proper for our age.” There are certainly things I no longer want to do and others that I really shouldn’t do. For example I have never had a fear of heights but I really need to be more careful… Keep up the great writings Kathy.
Hi Gary! Thanks for your thoughts on this. And I was just having a discussion with a friend today about a point you bring up. I do think that there is a need for a level of practical caution for us all that fits our age. However, it is equally important to balance that caution so we don’t become obsessed by it, don’t you think? I think most of us know of someone else (not ourselves surely!) that are overly cautious, so much so that their live shrinks tremendously as they age. I think finding that “razor’s edge” is another thing to put in our tool box. ~Kathy
Yes Kathy. Balance in all of our affairs.
Phew. I have so many thoughts and feelings about this post that I’m going to let it simmer for a while. But I’ll just say right now that I haven’t learned to reframe my stories around aging yet. First I need to inventory the stories. 😉
Hi Laura! Glad I got you thinking about this stuff. I know you are quite a bit younger than me but I so wish I’d started changing my thinking about the aging process when I was your age. It sounds so cliche to say, “it gets better” but I honestly believe that has been my experience. I wish that for you too! But yes, an inventory about your stories is a GREAT place to start. ~Kathy
Loss of a loved one is tough, much harder than facing loss of health or income or even a well loved home. Unfortunately, loss of people we have loved comes more frequently as we age, especially as we reach our 70s and 80s. We know that life is change, and acceptance is the key to moving on. It is the only choice.
Hi Diane! Yes, I completely agree that loss of a loved one is far more difficult than losing just about anything else. But is it possible–and I really don’t know but am curious about it–is it possible to condition ourselves so that we adapt from the little losses to a greater degree and that in itself helps us if or when we are faced with bigger losses? I do believe that we are all more resilient and stronger than we even know, and perhaps as we “build that strength” we are better for it in the long run. Again, I never want to suggest that loss isn’t challenging, only that with the right support and time, we can adjust and learn to go forward. Thank you for bringing up those thoughts. ~Kathy
Thank you for this article, Kathy. I cannot begin to count the number of more mature women who have said to me, “I wish I could color my hair like that.” (meaning blue, purple, green) I always encourage people to just do it! But I always wonder what holds them back? When you are 60-70-80, why on earth wouldn’t you have purple hair if you want? What damage could it possibly do? No boss to fire you for it. Surely by our age, we have let go of what people with think…haven’t we? Who are we trying to impress? And why?
Indeed, I feel like age brings certain liberties. Like, I’m sick of wearing a bra. Totally sick and tired of the horrible, uncomfortable things. Shouldn’t there be a time in life when we don’t have to put things on our body daily that make us uncomfortable?
These are the things aging has made me ponder. Conformity has certainly not become more appealing. I think aging should set us free from the societal expectations that hold us back all during our “productive” years when we have acquiesced to regulation.
Please never let me be held back by what is “age appropriate.” Dr. Tom used to always say, “Don’t let age be your cage.” Those are words to live by.
Hi Jamie! Thank you so much for adding some great examples of the freedom (and liberation) that aging offers us all–if we have the courage to accept it. And yes, when you think about it–we should be past caring at all what others think of our hair color OR our clothing OR so many other choices that we can make. Of course, at the same time, we also have a strong need to be accepted by our community so I think that drives many of our choices at every age. But as long as we have close ties to our “tribe” and do not feel that we are being constrained by those silent agreements, choosing to be our unique selves should be every person’s right as they age. And thank you for reminding me of that quote by Dr. Tom! I’d forgotten about that. ~Kathy
I look at the living with loss as the loss of a loved one. A spouse that you enjoyed and loved, the loss there takes time to get over.Now if there was not a lot of commonality or love, the loss is easier to overcome. I think we have all known spouses who move on quickly with their loss while others struggle for a long time with their loss.
Hi Haralee! Yes I agree that the loss of loved ones is the first thing that comes up when we talk about loss. But I think the Gergens meant it from an even larger perspective. Every change that we go through is technically a “loss” of some sort, which comes with either the movement to go forward or the grasping to hold on to what was before. Learning to accept health challenges that may decrease our abilities is a loss like that. I know so many people who run around trying to do things they could do in their 20s. Instead of embracing and enhancing what they can do, they are trying to repeat what they had. I think anything we try to hold in a stagnant way so that it never changes is ultimately doomed to failure. Life is change. Accepting that and moving on with an open and curious heart makes the journey so much richer, wouldn’t you say? Of course, getting back to your idea about relationship loss, I think it is an individual call. My father was so heartbroken after my mom died that when he met an old friend and fell in love with her a year later–I was overjoyed. I would also hope that my husband Thom would find love again should something happen to me–just not too quickly!!!! ~Kathy
This post strongly resonated with me — especially your comments about how labels can negatively impact us. Thanks for sharing this, Kathy. Great read!
Hi Donna! Glad your comment got posted. Thanks again for emailing me when you had trouble. And glad you liked this post. I think it is very important that we all stay conscious about the labels we let others use on us–AND the labels we apply to ourselves. If we want something “new” we obviously have to find the words to describe it. ~Kathy
I am loving my life right now because I have time to write. If no one ever reads my current WIP I’ll be sad, but I’m in the moment now and patting myself on the back. In this climate, my husband and I can walk every day if we choose. We read, listen to music and watch GOOD television and film. What is interesting is that medical folks, scientists, psychologists are still finding out things about aging, because we are living longer and this presents new territory. The Gergens make some good points. Now if we could just change the political climate, all would be near to perfect. Great post, Beth
Hi Beth! Yes, aren’t we writers/bloggers so very fortunate to have the means to write and share our thoughts? It’s definitely on my gratitude list every single day. And you know a I strongly agree with staying focused on the positive. How can that not be beneficial in every area of our lives–including politics! Staying hopeful about things is critically important no matter what “challenges” you might be facing in the moment….that applies to aging, health and yes, even politics. Like Susan said in her comment, “may we all be category busters!” ~Kathy
I love reframing loss as a new way of letting go of what no longer serves us! That’s just luscious. And all of this–what a great way to go into the next phase. I’m sure looking forward to the Liberation part of that 🙂
May we all be category busters! Thanks, Kathy!
Hi Susan! From everything I know about you from your blog, you ARE a category buster! And the better we are at letting go, the more open we can be for what is coming next. Let’s keep reminding each other of that okay? ~Kathy
I spent the evening yesterday with a group of 9 category busters, women 60+ who have been friends/acquaintances for 30-40 yrs and more. I looked around the circle at the grey hair (“chromed,” as one of my friends calls it) remembering past gatherings that lasted into the early morning hours. We didn’t mourn the loss of youth but celebrated the richness of our lives that was woven by the latest grandchild in the circle running amongst us. The singers sang and the guitar player played and no one could tell that it had been 15 yrs since they had done that together. We laughed and reminisced and settled into the glorious rhythm of the evening. Life is good at this age.
Hi Mona! How wonderful for you to have a group of category busters as friends for such a long time. And believe it or not, I’d not heard of the “chromed” way of describing gray hair before. I like it! I so love hearing of stories of when friends get together and celebrate all the great experiences of their life and just enjoy each others company. What a wonderful way of knowing life is good! Thanks for sharing that with all of us. ~Kathy