Last weekend Thom and I did a podcast interview with two new friends—Mary and Kevin Roberts. Their podcast Growth Minded Marriage is one I’ve recently started listening to because I appreciate their emphasis on growth as well as their honesty and connection with each other. During the podcast (link below) we talked about each of our WOTYs. My word, as you might recall, is trust. Thom’s is perspective, while Mary’s is patience. Then Kevin announced that his word was “uncertainty.” While I think all of them are uniquely important, I cannot help but admire both Kevin’s courage and his willingness in these uncertain times to embrace such a word. I suppose that is why it has been on my mind so much during the last week. Plus I believe it holds some SMART insights for us all as well.
I looked back and I’ve written about uncertainty several times in the last 10 years here on SMART Living. But it’s one thing to write about it, or even think about it, and another to LIVE it! When 2020 started, uncertainty and change were regular occurrences, but often felt theoretical. Then at some point with the arrival of the virus, our tumultuous political field and the threatened world around us, circumstances began changing in rapid ways. If we are still here reading these words we managed to limp through it all and still be alive. But let’s face it, even though it’s 2021, uncertainty is still knocking at our door nearly every day.
I think a lot of us are hopeful about what will be happening shortly in the political arena, but I’m also aware that another bunch are convinced that the end times are upon us. Yet, if we “get to make it up” then both are right. However, it’s likely that the bigger truth is that neither group knows for sure what will happen next, how it will happen, and what will come next. The same with the vaccine. Who knows? How do we balance that in our minds and how do we stay at peace in the face of all the unknowns? And how can we plan for anything, really?
Again, some of my other blog posts offer some really helpful ideas, but I’m leaving those for further reading. What occurred to me during our interview with Kevin and Mary is that uncertainty doesn’t demand that we just give up or give in to what is going on around us. Mainly, what I believe it asks of me, is to just flow with it.
Thom has a word that serves him well that is called wu-wei. That word come from Lao Tzu who is the supposed wisdom behind the Taoist Philosophy. Wu-wei is usually interpreted as “action without action” or “effortless doing.” A more western interpretation is “flow.” I like to think of it as getting in a rowboat and going with the current rather than against it. (Remember the childhood song of Row, row, row your boat?”)
Sure, we can think about getting in our little boat and rowing like crazy to go upstream. And some of us clearly do that , even if we know better. Anytime our life feels like a battle or struggle we are attempting to go against the flow of the river—and guess what, we will likely fail. How could we not? On the other hand, sometimes our actions flow so naturally, without effort, that everything seems to be going in our favor. The question is: Why do we ever forget the difference?
For me I only go against the current if I’ve decided that I want something so bad that I am willing to go against my own nature and life-itself to get it. I also struggle with my interpretation of fairness or justice. But again, I don’t think that works. It might bring a bit of satisfaction or seem to work in the short term, but over the long haul we will wear ourselves out and down. Eventually we will be forced to turn our little boat around and return to the flow of the water.
So what does any of this have to do with me being a planner? During the last couple of weeks with all the uncertainty and change in my life, I decided one way to deal with it was to put myself in my happy place. Where’s that? Why travel planning of course! When my boat is headed in that direction, I can get totally absorbed in traveling the world and where I want to go just about anytime I choose. The thing is, I am also VERY aware that things can and will change. Remember 2020?
So how does that fit with wu-wei? Well it occurred to me while talking with Mary & Kevin that the best way for me to approach my planning (and my future) would be to make plans downstream. Allow my imagination to research and go where it wants in the days ahead, knowing full well that timing and other circumstances need to be considered (i.e. we won’t go anywhere until after we are both vaccinated against COVID.) And sure, other things can and will happen as well. However, even with travel plans downstream, I must remain unattached to them turning out exactly as planned.
In other words, make plans but stay flexible about them. Keep my expectations loose and flow with the possibility that things could likely turn out much differently. Don’t give up the pleasure I get with planning, just don’t get rigid or concrete about them. Flow. And don’t make it always about having to give something up or lose something. Be open to the possibility that things could turn out even better than before when they do change. The problem isn’t with planning—it is always being attached to my preconceived outcomes.
I constantly remind myself that change is part of being human. Stuff happens. Besides, I love adventure and seeing and experiencing new things, so why would I ever resist it? When I remember to see change and uncertainty as just curves in the river that I can’t yet see around, I remain optimistic and resilient. As usual, the SMART perspective is remembering that in every moment we get to choose whether we attempting to fight the current or go with the flow. And if all else fails, just hum a few bars of row, row, row your boat.
Here is a link to the Growth Minded Marriage Podcast featuring Thom and I. We not only talked with Mary & Kevin about our words-for-the-year, but also touched on rightsizing, relationships, and a growth mindset. I encourage you all to listen if interested.
It’s a joy to see my thoughts reimagined, especially so eloquently by you Kathy. Upon my own reflection in the days since our conversation, I’ve emboldened myself to embrace this word wholeheartedly. Even though uncertainly still triggers a sense of fear from it’s radical divergence from safety, comfort and the illusion of certainty, I’ve come to realize that the most meaningful and impactful moments in my life have come from an open embrace of uncertainty. So, why wouldn’t I trust it now? I do not know what’s waiting down the river this year, but I’m looking forward to the journey. I am looking forward to being honestly open, and to exploring the opportunities the world has to offer. I’m going to let the river guide me, so I’ll be leaving my oar on the shore. However, I hope it presents an opportunity for us to cross paths again soon.
Hi Kevin! Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts! I meant every word of my admiration for you and your WOTY and look forward to seeing how you navigate your river in the days ahead. You and Mary are wonderful people and embarking on so many new and exciting adventures. I/We are happy to call you friends and fellow travelers. ~Kathy
I enjoyed this article and also your linked article about wu wei. Perfect explanation and application of the concept. As you might remember, I write about the Dao De Jing, among other things, and have spent decades with this ancient wisdom teaching, including years of studying/contemplating the original Chinese. I think this concept of wu wei is one of the most difficult for us in Western culture to grasp. We are such doers and directors in our lives. If something doesn’t go our way, we fight to make it conform to our wishes. Wu wei, to some, sounds like drifting willy nilly, doing whatever you want, or nothing at all.
However, I love the way you and Thom have embraced and embodied the deeper meaning and wisdom of this term. When we are aligned with Dao, the energy of the universe moves freely through us. We need not struggle. Instead of reacting and trying to control, we can be presently aware and respond appropriately. We can live life fully and with vibrant engagement.
So what about those plans?! Ha! We make them, we feel our way forward, we remain flexible and adapt as needed, and stay open to whatever reveals itself to us.
PS–I am so sorry about your dog. What a beautiful tribute.
Hi Galen! Thank you. I know you write a lot about the Tao/Dao and I think that is one reason why I was attracted to your blog. And it (your blog) is titled, “The No Way Cafe!” How very wu wei is that? You also offer so much more background and wisdom about it than any one short article like mine can offer, so I urge everyone who is interested to give it a look at; The No Way Cafe You are so right about how it can be a challenging thing for our western mind to grasp but also can be incredibly helpful. Like I mentioned in the post Thom has been particularly drawn to the Tao for many many years and reads a lot about it constantly. I’ll have to make sure he knows about your blog too because I KNOW he will find it valuable.
And meanwhile, let”s do as you suggest: “When we are aligned with Dao, the energy of the universe moves freely through us. We need not struggle. Instead of reacting and trying to control, we can be presently aware and respond appropriately. We can live life fully and with vibrant engagement.” Thank you for that powerful reminder. ~Kathy
Thank you so much for the kind words, Kathy. I am no expert at all, far from it, but the teachings of Tao/Dao resonate deeply for me. I appreciate the link to my blog, and I hope that Thom and others will enjoy it. If Thom would like to “compare notes” I would welcome conversation. My email is galenpearl@gmail.com. With gratitude, Galen
When I started reading your blog, I thought you two interviewed Kevin and Mary, since you have done this before. But, at the end, I realized it was them interviewing you. How cool! They look so young!
Good for you for staying flexible with the planning and being open to any potential outcome, Kathy! I am curious about those travel plans… The whole Covid thing is surely starting to drag for all of us. Mark and I were already in limbo one year ago, before the outbreak, and we are nowhere nearer to a plan for our future. But, then again, that’s nothing new. 🙂
Hi Liesbet! I actually thought of it more as a conversation than an interview. Really nice people and in spite of the age difference we both felt we had a lot in common. I do hope to interview them in the future because “why not?” I especially think they have a lot to say about rightsizing that everyone might find interesting.
As far as our travel plans: I’ve already planned out numerous stays here in California (our usual mountain get-away) as well as a couple of months up in B.C. visiting friends (some of whom you know!) All places are vacation rentals where we stay at least a month and I’m very careful about cancellation policies. In every one of them we can cancel a couple of months prior to the date we arrive. I am figuring that we will get our vaccines before summer and then Canada will let us in! Just like last summer we feel that by staying in a vacation home for an extended time we can be almost as safe as here at home by cooking at home, wearing masks, washing everything carefully and social distancing. Of course, once we get the vaccine we will still practice safety but will feel even more free to travel.
I realize living on the road can be a bit more challenging but you and Mark always seem to figure it out. Of course you might not be able to get the vaccine until you return back to your home (health) state, right? That might be your next travel plan???
Hopefully after Wednesday there will be vastly increased competency for manufacturing and distributing the vaccine so we can all be more safe!!!!
~Kathy
Those sound like perfect getaways, Kathy. Yes, we will have to go back to MA for our vaccine. Not sure when. We wouldn’t go just to get it. And, I’m sure we are at the bottom of the list, which is fine. Mark needs to return for his checkups in April (he postponed those from January), so maybe we all go then.
Our next trip will be south of the border. In February, we will go to Baja Sur for a little while. And, I’m hoping we can make it to Belgium this summer. It has been three years since I saw my family and friends…
I have been thinking about uncertainty a lot lately. I can see where I have been rowing upstream, trying to always be doing something to fight all the negativity and hopelessness on social media (which just led to more fighting). I ended up leaving Facebook and focusing on my here-and-now, and the things I can positively impact (or just enjoy).
But I can see how a lot of the people I encountered on Facebook, were obsessively using the platform to try to avoid uncertainty. In fact, I think that is why we tend to fixate on the worst case scenario in general. Being open to hope takes courage.
Hi Bethany! Yes, isn’t it so tempting to think that fighting something will be our best action? I wonder where that comes from? Are we taught that or is it a self-preservation thing? I’m fairly certain that it is somewhat taught though don’t you think? And thinking that we have to fight for the good is also something that our culture teaches us. A lot of that points back to scarcity culture in believing there is only so much good around and if we don’t get ours, others will take it for themselves so we become adversarial even if we don’t realize it.
I think it takes a great deal of self awareness to recognize and then not fall into violent and destructive behaviors like so many others. I’m obviously a work in progress so I’m not pointing any fingers! But when I can pause and feel within myself how any of that “feels” then I can usually back away and take the higher road…and yes, flow with the river. I’m not so much convinced it takes courage…more like unlearning and becoming who we truly are….but that’s for another post for sure. Thank you for taking the time to tell me what’s on your mind. Stay hopeful! May the days ahead be better for us all! ~Kathy
Kathy thank you for this post for you have put me right side up. I have been bummed out since March about the cancelled grand-baby cruise I had planned and we were 57 people strong. Row, row, row my boat…now I’m planning a Spring grand-baby camp out at home in our yard, smores & hotdogs, stories under the stars, staying up all night, tents and a fire pit…..and room for social distancing if still needed!
Hey Amanda! What a fun idea. And yes it’s regrettable about your previous plans but in some ways this new plan will be more memorable than the first. And yes, I’m guessing you eventually will be able to get back to that original. Just keep flowing with that river my friend. ~Kathy
Reminds me of the old saying: Man plans, and God laughs. Yet we still plan because while life may be unpredictable we still like to think we know where we are going … and very often we do get there in some way, shape or fashion.
Hi Tom! I actually find it comforting to think of God as a laughing (sweetly) at my silly plans. I think she is happy to indulge us in our creative efforts no matter how humble. Sort of like watching children make mud pies. As long as we enjoy it–why not? It’s only when we start believing that mud pie is REAL that we get ourselves into trouble. So yes, I tend to thinking making things (plans) are a fun thing, and yes, sometimes they do turn out close to what we hope for! ~Kathy
Hello Kathy! Love reading your takeaways and reflections after our conversation. It’s interesting to see the ripple effect of having these sorts of meaningful conversations. Kevin and I are on a quest to keep considering these ideas and expanding and growing with people like you and Thom. So thankful to have you in our lives!
Hi Mary! I hope it was obvious that we loved our conversation with you and Kevin. It’s always nice to chat with friends and walk away with thoughts and ideas that help us think and grow. In so many ways I feel that you are on the same journey as us–as a younger version of us that is–and how we can inspire and encourage each other from two different age perspectives. Isn’t that the best kind of friendships? May it continue long into the future because yes, we are thankful you are in our lives as well. ~Kathy
Dealing with ambiguity is a skill that was decessryi in my work world. It does not preclude planning but requires you to bounce back when plan A doesn’t work. My saying is Always have a plan B.
Hi Ann! I can see how important this would be when working. And a “Plan B” is excellent advice for us all in just about everything. Thanks! ~Kathy
What a great post, Kathy! I love the analogy of going with the flow and row, row, row your boat. I couldn’t agree more. It’s my husband who is the ultimate planner. He gets right into the nitty gritty of it all. We have also learned not to get too attached to our plans. Things change in a split second. We always remain flexible and can adapt if it is warranted. For example, we were going to spend a month in Greece last September. Well, that didn’t happen!! So, we are looking to the future and planning the trip anew. We, too, are not going anywhere until COVID is under control and we’re vaccinated. You are very correct – planning gives you something to dream about, think about and look forward to. If that doesn’t keep you in better spirits during these difficult times, I don’t know what will!!
Hi Debbie! So nice to find another person who LOVEs planning nearly as much as the travel itself. To me it is so much more satisfying than be buying “stuff” because you get the shopping experience without necessarily spending money. You get to look at places to visit, to stay, to eat, etc and while I might never actually stay or go or visit some of them (many of them actually) I mentally project myself there and see what it is all about–and experience of sorts. Yes it can be a bit disappointing if a perfect plan has to be cancelled–that happened to our Portugal/Spain trip last May/June that was then rescheduled for Sept/Oct which was then permenently cancelled for good. The good news that I planned carefully so was able to recoup ALL the deposits and even the plane tickets so didn’t lose a bit of money. I’ve held off on that trip but will try again toward the end of this year. Meanwhile, I’m planning closer to home. It does improve my spirits tremendously and I feel so very fortunate to be able to have the freedom and the resources to do it. The nice thing about Greece and other places, they will be there when the time is right. ~Kathy
HI, Kathy – This timely post is packed full of wisdom.
• uncertainty doesn’t demand that we just give up or give in to what is going on around us
• make plans but stay flexible
• know when to fight the current and when to go with the flow
For the past couple months, I have planned, unravelled those plans, planned and unravelled those plans and then planned some more. I”m now on a planning break but will be back to planning hopefully soon! Thank you for your wise words.
Hi Donna, I know you’ve been heartbroken a couple of times with dashed travel plans. Take as long a break as you want. Like I mentioned to Nancy I LOVE to travel so much that doing it (even if I have to cancel) still makes me feel good. Not all of us are the same though right. Find what works for you and then do it is my motto. And yes, some of my plans include you. 🙂 ~Kathy
Kathy, I actually have “trip planning” as one of the 21 in 2021 items as well. I’m not sure when that trip will happen, but I recall years ago enjoying the process of trip planning. I have not done a lot of trip planning in the past few years as we tended to come to our second home all the time. I did a couple of guided trips – one we loved (Africa) and one we tolerated (Iceland), and those didn’t require much planning. I’m trying to decide what trip to plan … worrying about international travel a bit. Maybe it’s time to figure out our Rt 66 road trip – which is definitely on my bucket list. What trip(s) are you planning?
Hi Pat! I’m guessing all of our approach to the process is a bit different. I tend to be a travel shopper. I don’t shop for much of anything except groceries and essentials…until it comes to travel…then I love it. Right now we already have our summer figured out…with 120 degree temps it is always good to leave our home environment. We will go to the mountains for 2 months, then head to Vancouver Island and then to Kelowna BC (assuming that we get the vaccine by summer and that Canada lets us in. Then we will go to Ajijic for a month in December. Just having them on the books is such a joy to me. We’ll see what happens! And yes to a road trip for you. Just going anywhere is a gift these days. ~Kathy
I’m a planner, too, and I think you captured the dilemma perfectly. How to plan (for travel or life) without getting rigid with one’s expectations, how to plan and leave room for the unexpected — those are important adult skills, especially for anyone who has goals or ambitions.
Thanks for the thinking!
Hi Nancy! I know a lot of people don’t “think” they plan but then if you follow them and watch, most of them have a sort something that allows them to head in directions that they want. They might not detail those plans, but I’m pretty sure they have an idea of where they are headed. I guess because I LOVE the detail of it, I enjoy the process. If you don’t love the detail, I’m sure you resist it. And as you say, managing those expectations is critical. Thanks for your thoughts. ~Kathy
Thought provoking as usual Kathy! Now in my head will be Row Row Row Your Boat, all day long and it might become my mantra song.
Hi Haralee! Oh yeah…it is one of those songs. But honestly has been helpful for me in the last couple of weeks. I don’t always manage the “merrily” part but I can usually float! ~Kathy
Kathy, some of our best experiences have happened while we were in route to a different plan. Measured expectations, along with flexibility will serve us all well right now. I would never describe either of us as ‘go with the flow’ people’, but likewise, we have learned when to fight the battle. Depending on the circumstances, the best route might even be to stay on the sidelines and wait things out. The trick, for us, is to avoid complacency.
Hi Suzanne! Thanks for sharing your approach to uncertainty with us. I’m guessing we all have different variations that work (at least I hope so!) I’m not really one to sit on the sidelines for much of anything but finding something that I CAN do no matter what–and avoiding complacency is a big key for me. Thanks! ~Kathy