One of my favorite parables is the story of the light wolf and the dark wolf. Most of us know the light wolf as those parts in the world and in ourselves that are kind, loving, peaceful and hopeful. At the same time, the dark wolf represents all that is angry, fearful, greedy or hateful. Which one is most prominent in our lives? Simply—the one we feed. In other words, whatever wolf we focus on the most—nourishing it with our attention, time, words and Facebook posts, that’s the one that grows and multiplies. The good news is of course that even if we realize we’ve been feeding the wrong wolf for far too long, it’s never too late to make our light wolf strong, healthy and the biggest part of our lives.
This parable came to my mind after finishing a new book by Mary Pipher called, Women Rowing North—Navigating Life’s Currents & Flourishing As We Age. Some of us may remember Pipher as the author of Reviving Ophelia. That book, written back in the 1990s, shared thoughts on the importance and necessity of nurturing teenage women through that tumultuous life-phase. Now hitting 70, Pipher understands that women in their third phase of life are also in an extremely transitional stage. The book is filled with her reflections, experience and advice from her own life history and those she has met and learned from along the way. I actually requested a review copy of this book instead of having a publicist solicit me, because I knew that it would contain nuggets that I can use to continue to create a happy and meaningful life. It does not disappoint.
But make no mistake, this is not a book that suggests that we all just need to think positively, and everything will be great. Some of the examples she uses throughout the book are of women who must face extremely difficult challenges with their own health or the health of their significant others or children. Some struggle with loneliness, finances, insurance, housing and any one of a number of life-trials that can peak as the years add up. Still, behind it all is a message of hope, possibility and the awareness that we do have the ability within to continue to feed that light wolf for as long as we live. Plus it doesn’t hurt to know that she confirms that research shows that women from the age of 65 to 79 are happiest of any demographic.
Pipher writes in a narrative that is both easy to read and inspirational. Throughout the book she sprinkles in ideas that had me reaching for my pen and underlining passages. With that in mind, here are a handful of those I want to remember.
- “As we age, we tend to improve our gratitude skills. Through trial and error learning, we know that if we focus on the good and positive, we see ourselves as lucky. Whereas, if we focus on grievances, past pains, regrets and disappointments, we make ourselves feel unlucky and miserable.”
- “…happiness depends on how we deal with what we are given. Even though we all suffer, we don’t all grow. Not all older women become elders…We don’t become our wisest selves without effort.”
- “We don’t see the world as it is, but rather as we are. If we are angry and bitter, we find proof of hostility wherever we look. If we are trusting, we look for evidence of kindness. Growth requires us to constantly expand our point of view.”
- “Not everyone experiences bliss as they age, but it is never too late to look for it. And if we look for it, we will find it…. Bliss doesn’t happen because we are perfect or problem-free but rather because over the years we have become wise enough to be occasionally present for the moment. We have acquired the capacity to appreciate what simply is.”
- “If we don’t grow bigger, we can become bitter.”
- Attitude is not everything, but it is almost everything. In fact, in many situations it is all we have. Especially as we age, we can see clearly that we do not always have control, but we do have choices. That is our power.”
- “There is always the possibility of self-rescue. We can choose where to focus our attention and will our way to gratitude.”
- “The more we understand ourselves, the more skilled we will be at distinguishing between acting on impulse and listening to the nurturing voice deep inside us that says, ‘This is important to you.’ The more self-knowledge we have the more likely it is that we will be able to act in accordance with our truest selves.”
- “Some women can be disabled by a hangnail, while others could be hit by a truck and keep smiling. The difference involves attitude and coping capacities.”
- “In life, as in writing, it is as important to know what to delete as it is to know what to add. We don’t want our lives to be one long to-do list filled with musts and shoulds.”
- “Hopelessness and happiness are both self-fulfilling prophecies. We become who we believe we can be.”
There are far, far more jewels of wisdom in this book that I could share with you, but these teasers should be intriguing enough for anyone who is interested in learning more. And why the title? Pipher says, “I chose the word ‘rowing’ rather than sailing or floating because, to stay on course, we need to make an effort, choose a positive attitude, maintain a strong sense of direction as we travel toward winter…”. Perhaps that quote, along with all the others led to her admitting that the core lesson in the book is that “Everything is workable.” That of course is another SMART reminder that while we will always face challenges, everything is workable. And let’s never, ever forget that the wolf we feed is the one most alive in our world.
Okay your turn. What do you think of the idea–everything is workable? Do you think that is possible? Has that proven to be true in your life? Can this kind of awareness help you as you age? Please share your thoughts on these and any other ideas you have in the comments below.
I just got an email about Melli O’briens newest blog post and she shares this parable also. Have you heard of her? She is really lovely. Yes our perceptive is power isn’t it?
Hi Misty! Hmmm…I am not familiar with Melli O’brien. I will check her out. Thanks! ~Kathy
Hi Kathy. I have a relative whom I was very close to earlier in my life. He was a funny, kind, smart, creative person who was fun to be around. Over the years, he has made choices about his career, relationships, and where he lives that have resulted in him gradually isolating himself more and more from others. Now retired and living alone, I can see that he is lonely, bitter, and angry. It makes me sad and I don’t know how to help, other than keeping in touch and offering a listening ear. I’ve (gently) suggested inspiring books that I’ve liked, counselling (for which he is eligible for free), joining community groups(“I don’t join things), and further education (which he could easily afford and has the time for), and, whenever possible, I’ve introduced him to people in my friendship circle. But he seems determined to stick to a narrative of how everything in his life turns out wrong and how people are out to get him or disappoint him. I know he has made his own choices, but it is still sad to see because I care about him.
Jude
Jude
Hi Jude! Yes it is sad to hear about your friend. But what’s the saying, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink. At least you are providing a wonderful example to your friend about what is possible. Over and over again I am reminded that people are only ready…when they are ready. And until then we just provide the best example we can by living a life that expresses our own values. At least then we will benefit even if the others never do! ~Kathy
Hi Kathy,
Just catching up on my blog reading after our epic journey from FL to our NH summer home.
I am intrigued by this book – and am putting it on my reading list. I particularly like this quote
“Not all older women become elders…We don’t become our wisest selves without effort.”
I quite agree – a growth mindset is essential no matter your age.
Hi Nancy! Glad to hear you made it home to NH. Is it still cold there? The reason I ask is that here in the desert southwest the temps are in the 90s and even hit 100s last week. We’re looking to get out of here soon and escape to cooler temps. And I would love to hear what you think of the book. Some of the feedback from others is that it is too “anecdotal” with not enough facts. And while that might be true, as a person who reads LOTS of nonfiction, I love books that share ideas in poetic ways–especially when the ideas appeal to me and make me think!!! Yes to a growth mindset. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy,
It IS cold here in NH…30s at night and 50s during the day. But FL was getting TOO warm, uncomfortably so. I hope that we can take the trip slower next year and let NH warm up a bit more. And it is still “mud season” here, so our dirt road is something of a mess. Yet, it is nice to be back on the pond.
Brrrrrrr…but I’m sure it will be turning soon enough. And yes, always nice to go “home.” 🙂
Kathy, while your review doesn’t inspire me to read the book (more in a second), I do love the rowing metaphor: “to stay on course, we need to make an effort, choose a positive attitude, maintain a strong sense of direction as we travel.” I really do believe this.
The reason I’m not inspired…. I often feel when I read about others who have such a hard path to row that I’m unworthy of the blessings I have. I often feel I have not “suffered enough” . I’ve worked to become more positive and less cynical (feed the light!), to make an effort towards doing things in the direction I want to go through visioning and planning. But I still feel unworthy at times when I hear about others struggles.
Thanks for sharing the quotes you found inspiring. I too underline things in books that inspire me…. and often go back and just read those words again.
Hi Pat! I so appreciate you letting me know what you were thinking about this book based on my review. I get that sometimes it is easy to recognize the feeling that “I have so much so how can I even complain.” And yes, sometimes that can be guilt inducing. But this book didn’t do that at all for me. In every case, even with the author’s own personal challenges, I felt that the examples she used were how people were able to take difficult situations and turn them around to something positive. And another message I read was that eventually we will all face difficult situations so if we can learn from others that it is possible to overcome them–or at least milk them for positive responses–then we will be better able to respond ourselves. In some ways she actually provides a “plan” and a “vision” for overcoming obstacles in life, which is just another way of creating a more positive world. Of course, your comment is also a GREAT reminder that even when we are going for the same outcome, different approaches work for different people. Hopefully we each find the encouragement and tools we need to make the most of what is to come. ~Kathy
I just bought this book and now I am even more interested in reading it. I like the idea of rowing, it infers that life is not passive.
Hi Michele! Yes…I think that is a key to Pipher’s perception. If we sit back and just let life happen to us–sometimes good, sometimes not so good–then we can feel victimized and helpless. I tend to believe like her that it’s best to live by design rather than by default. Let me know what you think of the book after you read it. ~Kathy
I had begun to read it but some of her aphorisms seemed a little shallow to me. As in, “if we don’t become bigger we can become bitter.” While that might be true in her experience, I’m more interested in the science behind aging. As to “anything is workable,” to some extent, true. But again, simplistic. I’m thinking of a caregiving friend who’s a genius at inventing workarounds and has a real can-do attitude, but neither is helping her in her current circumstances.
But Pipher’s intent in writing this book is honorable and optimistic, and I will go back and restart it to make sure I’m not missing anything. And always, it’s better to be positive, and I agree with that message.
Hi Lynne! Just shows how we are all different, right? I am a HUGE fan of quotes and always admire anyone who can come up with catchy but meaningful (at least meaningful to me) quotes so I enjoyed her ability to come up with so many. While she does have some “science” in the book, it is more of a reflection based upon her own life and her work with others as a therapist through the years. She doesn’t pull any punches by saying it is easy and not a lot of work, only doable. She says for example, “Maneuvering this stretch of the river requires flexibility, a tolerance for ambiguity, openness to new vistas, and the ability to conceptualize all experiences in positive ways.” Obviously there is a lot more that can be said about getting older…and perhaps that is what is left for the rest of us! Thanks as always for your thoughts on this! ~Kathy
The parable makes me shiver with recognition—it is so true! It’s also very true that life is not magical, and consistently focusing on the positive will not guarantee a painless and successful life. We all have to ‘row’ through the challenges we are given, and how we accomplish that is what matters. Thank you, Kathy, for another timely and thought-provoking post!
Hi Diane! Thank you for confirming this has been part of your life experience too. I think you are a bit older than I am so I sometimes wonder if I just “don’t know what I don’t know” with what’s to come. However, because I live in a big retirement area and have LOTS of examples of people who are resilient, happy and living well in advanced age, it rings true for me too. And having other OL mentors helps as well. No one said it is all easy…but it is workable! ~Kathy
Sounds like a great read Kathy – and a lot of truths we’ve already learned through trial and error. I recently read “The Choice” by Edith Eger and was very inspired by her life story and the process of understanding that we choose whether we allow our circumstances to defeat us, or if we reise up and choose not to be a victim. I choose to rise x
Hi Leanne! Thanks for letting me know about “the choice.” I’m not familiar with it so I will have to check it out. It sounds like something I would appreciate. Yes to doing what we can, right where we are, with what we have. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy, I have not heard of this specific parable with the story of light wolf and dark wolf. I have heard variations such as ‘where your attention goes energy flows.’ I do need reminders. I do need to be careful and watch where I spend my (our) precious resource, time, and the resulting ripple effect.
I really like your word “nourish.” Thank you for sharing some nuggets and recommendation of this book.
An inspirational and empowering post! Thank you for sharing:) Erica
Hi Erica! I am happy I was able to introduce that parable to you. I can’t even remember the first time I heard it and actually put it (a variation of it) in my first book. I find it so much easier to remember ideas when they are in story form, don’t you…and yes, I think we all need reminders to stay focused on what it good rather than spinning out of control on everything else. Thanks for letting me know you liked it! ~Kathy
Your 9th point resonates with me, Kathy. Coping skills and attitude do make a difference in expecting hope in the face of adversity. As I reflect on Good Friday, since I put my faith and trust in God, I know I can handle anything. This looks like an excellent book, thanks for sharing!
Hi Terri! I also believe that having faith that we can handle anything is so very important. No one said it would be easy. Only doable. I hope you are having a wonderful weekend and Happy Easter. ~Kathy
Hi, Kathy – Your posts are always strikingly timely for me. Seriously, this happens almost every single time! Last evening, I watched a 2011 Ted Talk video from Jane Fonda (I greatly admire her)! Although made eight years ago, her talk is fresh and relevant today. She talks about several of the things that you have mentioned here. She also reminds us that although scientists say that genetics makes up 1/3 of who we become…that gives us 2/3 to CHOOSE who we will be. Thank you for another timely post.
Hi Donna! Thank you. I tend to believe that friends often find the same material around the same time so I’m not surprised it was something on your mind. And isn’t it good to know that our genetics aren’t “carved in stone” and that we have much more influence on what happens that we realize. That’s why that quote, “Attitude is not everything…but it’s almost everything” is such a good one. That was almost the quote I stuck in the photo for the blog post but something about the idea, “Everything is workable” just seemed right to me. Glad you liked it. ~Kathy
I heard about this book on NRP and wrote it down on my TBR list. Now, after reading your thoughts about Pipher’s book, I think I’ll move it up on the list. I’ve always loved the wolf parable too and, in these politically angry times, I’m trying hard to keep feeding the light one.
Hi Janis! I would love to hear what you think about it after you read it. About the only thing I would have preferred her to address was more about women who are single and/or childfree. She does devote two chapters to marriage and children and doesn’t talk much about the growing demographic of women who aren’t in a relationship, or either don’t have kids or are alienated from them. Of course, she is older than us and comes from the midwest so perhaps her perspective is more from that than those of us who are a bit younger and living in coastal parts of the country. Still, I enjoy her writing AND her perspective so I think you will too. ~Kathy
It does sound like and intriguing book Kathy! Thanks for the recommendation. I like the title and her thought on picking that. I don’t believe a positive attitude is the panacea to all good and the blockage to all bad but I do think direction and choices can help navigate our senior years.
Hi Haralee! It’s definitely a book for those of us who appreciate being reminded that “everything is workable.” Again, she doesn’t say it is always easy–but it can be done if we want that badly enough. I liked that she didn’t sugar coat challenges, but she also never gave in to victimhood or hopelessness. This is a book I will hang onto and if I ever find myself faced with something REALLY overwhelming I will pull it out again. ~Kathy
Your thoughts today remind me of my mother who – although not particularly a ‘cheery, positive’ person, demonstrated a resolve and resilience through many tough times. Personally, the quote that most resonated with me is “In life, as in writing, it is as important to know what to delete as it is to know what to add. We don’t want our lives to be one long to-do list filled with musts and shoulds.” Thanks for a thought-provoking post.
Hi Janet! In the book Mary actually admitted that being optimistic wasn’t her fallback behavior. Further proof that like your mother, it is still possible if you believe it is possible for you. In fact, she tells the story that one of her (Mary’s) biggest challenges was losing most of the use of her hands. As a writer you can only imagine how difficult that particular challenge has been. Still, with her strong desire to believe that “everything is workable” she has managed to continue being a writer…just differently. And so it likely goes for all of us as we age. Things change. Do we adapt or not? Glad you liked it. ~Kathy