Every now and then, if we are lucky, we find an author whose words seem to speak directly to us in ways we wish we had said ourselves. That’s how I felt when I first found a book written by Palmer Parker over two decades ago. So, when I learned that his latest book touched on aging, I didn’t hesitate to send him a Facebook private message asking if he provided review copies. Not only did he respond personally by email (because that’s the kind of man he is), he sent me an autographed copy hot off the press. His new book, On The Brink of Everything—Grace, Gravity & Getting Old is a collection of essays that covers aging well along with other topics facing the world today. For all of us who appreciate a wise, authentic and often transcendent voice about issues that matter, it is my deep pleasure to introduce you to Parker Palmer.
My first exposure to Palmer came from an attraction I had for creating community. Back in the mid 90’s Thom and I co-created a spiritual organization we named Palm Springs Center Of Positive Living. We birthed the group out of a deep desire to be a part of something that explored universal spiritual understanding and awareness as an alternative to traditional religion. However, after nine years, the challenge of keeping a group of free-thinking, nonconformists together proved challenging and exhausting. By the time I found Palmer’s work and his focus on community, ours had dissolved. But something between the pages of his book and his voice in my head helped me understand and appreciate how some organizations and groups of people can thrive and come together when certain practices are embraced.
Paradox As A Practice
All these years later, I am still fascinated by how people come together in community—or not. What is it that draws us together or repels us from one another? According to what Palmer shares, it is usually our ability to embrace paradox—seeing beyond the logic of either/or thinking, to the paradox of both/and. As Palmer says, “Living paradoxically is key to personal wholeness, which depends on the ability to embrace one’s self-contradictions.” Perhaps it is that paradox of wanting to be part of a community while simultaneously craving solitude, that drew me to Palmer’s work in the first place. At any rate, his ongoing prophetic and poetic exploration of discovering the hidden wholeness within our true self, each other, and the world is an awareness I seek on a daily basis.
A Different View Of Aging
So, what does Palmer have to say about aging that is different from what others are sharing in these times? As he nears 80, Palmer admits “…I like being old because the view from the brink is striking, a full panorama of my life—and a bracing breeze awakens me to new ways of understanding my past, present, and future.” With such insight, he says, “We have no choice about death. But we do have choices to make about how we hold the inevitable—choices made difficult by a culture that celebrates youth, disparages old age, and discourages us from facing into our mortality. The laws of nature that dictate the sunset dictate our demise. But how we travel the arc between our own sunrise and sundown is ours to choose: Will it be denial, defiance, or collaboration?” Collaboration? There’s that idea of community again.
Acknowledging that none of us knows for sure what happens when we die, Palmer concedes that we come from mystery, and we will return to mystery. Meanwhile, he says, “I’ve long thought of old age as a time when all that’s left is to tell the truth—trying to remember to tell it in love.” He adds, “It’s liberating to be at a point where I no longer feel a need to prove anything to anyone.”
Staying Politically Active
Even so, Palmer’s past is filled with active engagement in community, spirituality, social work and even politics—with no plans to give it up at any age. He says, “For people like me, the notion that old age is a time to dial it down and play it safe is a cop-out. Those of us who are able should be raising hell on behalf of whatever we care about: freedom’s just another word for no need to count the cost.” With a strong conviction that our current democracy is under fire, Palmer authored Healing The Heart of Democracy: The Courage To Create A Politics Worthy of The Human Spirit (which I wrote a post about back in 2012). His ongoing focus is on arriving at a “spiritual alchemy that all of us can practice. It transforms the dross of political evil into the gold of political activism, revitalizing us to be the engaged citizens we should have been all along.”
While I typically avoid politics when writing here on SMART Living 365, I continue to feel a deep resonance with the approach of Parker Palmer. He does not shy away from claiming that we live in perilous political times. However, he is clear that we “must engage in civil discourse across political divides, without compromising our convictions.” And regardless of how difficult that is, we must stay awake “and help midwife the rebirth of America, hoping that our national nausea in this moment is just another symptom that our country is pregnant with change.” It is exactly that subtle sense of humor along with deep truth that highlights why I find Palmer’s insights so engaging.
Accidental Authors & Public Therapy
When it comes to writing, Palmer calls himself an “Accidental Author.” His own story mirrors my own in the fact that his first book, at age 40, happened serendipitously when he wasn’t even looking for it. He acknowledges that writing has always been a kind of “public therapy for me,” which I know quite a few other writers, like me, will cop to as well. Palmer believes that in the beginning, it is critical for us each to figure out “whether your chief aim is to write or to publish.” Plus, rather than explore topics we think we know a lot about or come from a place of being an authority, he instead suggests that we approach writing with a beginner’s mind. He recommends, “Write about what you want to know because it intrigues and puzzles you.” Palmer believes that his best writing flows from his gift of “bafflement” and acknowledges that, “When I am able to do that honestly, and well, it helps the reader see me not as an expert but as who I am: a fellow traveler, a companion on the life journey.”
That is exactly how I see Parker Palmer and have written about him before. A real person with light and shadow. Palmer is honest enough in his writing to make it obvious that we don’t see eye-to-eye on everything (he’s a pessimistic optimist and I think you all know that I am a sometimes-delusional optimist!) But even in areas where I don’t think we agree, I have no issue with his understandings because he NEVER comes across as a know-it-all expert who thinks he has the answer. Deep inquiry is his touchstone and he urges, “In both writing and in faith, we need to commit conceptual suicide again and again—if we are serious about the vastness of treasure and the inadequacy of our frail, finite and flawed words.”
Looking Ahead
Palmer ends this book, like all his work, with optimism. He encourages us to stretch our hearts open and take everything in. He says, “I know there are no shortcuts to wholeness. The only way to become whole is to put our arms lovingly around everything we know ourselves to be: self-serving and generous, spiteful and compassionate, cowardly and courageous, treacherous and trustworthy. We must be able to say to ourselves and the world at large ‘I am all of the above’.”
Parker Palmer does not suggest that we “grow old gracefully.” Instead, he urges us to accept grace when it’s given and be grateful for the life we have experienced—all the while doing what inwardly we are called to do. He also awakened a new idea within me that opposes the lines of the poet Dylan Thomas who said, “Do not go gentle into that good night. Old age should burn and rage at close of day.” Like Palmer says, as the years add up in me, I find myself far less interested in fighting the inevitableness of age. Instead, like Palmer, I want to embrace the gift of a long life as it makes its way toward evening and then night like a beautiful sunset, or autumn gently giving into winter. As the other saying goes, “Pain is inevitable—but suffering is optional.” Maybe it’s time to recognize that “Death is inevitable—but suffering in its face, is optional.”
Every time I read the words of Parker Palmer I am inspired to be a better writer and more importantly a better me. His words guide and enthuse me without claiming to have the answers. So much of the philosophy behind SMART Living 365 exists in the words I read in every one of his books. And while I often feel I fall short of that intention, as long as people like Parker exist to point the way, I celebrate the opportunity to keep doing what I can, where I am, with the choices before me.
Okay, your turn. Are you familiar with the work of Palmer Parker or read any of his books? If yes, what is your favorite book and why? If not, do any of the ideas in this post resonate with you? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.
I especially liked the section on Palmer’s perspective on writing. For example, “rather than explore topics we think we know a lot about or come from a place of being an authority, he instead suggests that we approach writing with a beginner’s mind. He recommends, “Write about what you want to know because it intrigues and puzzles you.”” I think this is great advice. So often nonfiction writing (including academic writing) can be pedantic and preachy. This strategy invites the reader along on a journey as a co-explorer rather than as an empty vessel to be filled. It also will allow the writer to grow, rather than simply reaffirming already strongly held beliefs. I would like to be Palmer’s kind of writer.
Jude
Hi Jude! Have you ever read any Palmer before? I think you would appreciate his perspective on lots of topics. And yes, I agree that he is a model I strive for! ~Kathy
You might enjoy this address by Parker Palmer; it still inspires me. So young or old his messages always move me to think differently and to act.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWRDKNXPq3Y
Hi Sharon! Yes…he is a great speaker as well as a great writer. And I’ve corrected your link to the actual speech he gave rather than just a link to Naropa University for others to listen to if they want. Thanks! ~Kathy
I’ve never heard of this author but will be looking him up in the future — thanks for sharing! I might begin with the Courage to Teach…so many books, so little time.
Hi Janet! I so agree that there are SO many books out there to read–including mine hahaha! I haven’t read his “Courage To Teach” but I’m pretty sure that Karen has so you could ask her if that is a good place to start. His most well known is “Let Your Life Speak”. I think you would enjoy his work. Let me know if you read any of them and what you think. ~Kathy
Kathy – I’m in the middle of your book (put on hold during my road trip). So far so good! I’ll check out “Let Your Life Speak” also. Thanks!
Kathy, another wonderful post. I wrote about Parker Palmer once. I need to go back into my blog and find that piece. Here is what moved me today: Instead, like Palmer, I want to embrace the gift of a long life as it makes its way toward evening and then night like a beautiful sunset, or autumn gently giving into winter. As the other saying goes, “Pain is inevitable—but suffering is optional.” Maybe it’s time to recognize that “Death is inevitable—but suffering in its face, is optional.”
Also, I must apologize. My daughter is turning 40 on the 17 and we have family coming to California next week for a big celebration. You are leaving the 15th. I don’t see how I can meet with you. I feel badly. But I have much to prepare for four over night visitors and I got behind because I did a fiction pitch last week and one agent wanted my work. So I fussed over that for two days! Good news, but time taking. This weekend was our granddaughter being Jane in Mary Poppins. I am so behind. Please understand. My family actually leaves the day you also depart. But let’s keep in touch, Beth
Hi Beth! I will have to go to your blog and read your post about Parker Palmer! I also hope you found his wisdom about activism in today’s time as helpful as I did.
And no worries about not finding the time to get together. I do agree that there is SO-O-O much to do and experience this time of year–and then throw in visitors and family and things get complicated. We hope to return next summer…maybe we should plan further in advance and it will happen. And YES to staying in touch! ~Kathy
Thanks for your friendship and understanding, Kathy. And yes, there is always the future. Here is the link to my post. Sorry, I forgot to include it in my reply. Have a good week, Beth
http://boomerhighway.org/the-divided-life-and-how-to-fix-it/
Hi Beth! No worries. I think eventually we are destined to meeet. 🙂 And I just popped over and read your post about Palmer. He is so inspiring to me and it looks like he inspired you as well. I love the quote you used, ” Our deepest calling is to grow into our own authentic self-hood, whether or not it conforms to some image of who we ought to be. As we do so, we will not only find the joy that every human being seeks–we will also find our path of authentic service in the world.” May I remember that every day. ~Kathy
I don’t know him but you’ve got me curious. And I too wish more people would pay attention to his plea to “engage in civil discourse across political divides, without compromising our convictions.”
Hi Tom! Palmer’s approach to democracy and civic engagement is a wonderful model for me in these times. While he does not shy away from saying what he sees to be true, he does it with a nonviolence approach to everything and everyone. He is also deeply committed to recognizing that we are “all in this together” so it is counterproductive to alienate those that disagree with us. A sane voice these days is always helpful. Sort of like you? 🙂 ~Kathy
I don’t know Palmer Parker’s work but I appreciate a peek into his insights about aging.
I feel we are a generation redefining what it means to get older and the potential that lies ahead. I think it doesn’t really matter whether we approach it quietly or kicking and screaming. We each have our own journey, however what did really resonate with me was “the only way to become whole is to put our arms lovingly around everything we know ourselves to be”.
I, for one, struggle with the ‘dark side’ of my personality. I think we beat ourselves up too often for being ‘human’ and I like the idea of accepting the whole.
Hi Joanne! You would probably find Palmer’s work interesting because he is very much into the idea of recognizing that we are only human, and that includes the good and the bad. He readily admits to having deep depression at least three times in his life and how he came through it–although he is clear to say he knows we are all different so different approaches work for different people. But I believe that some of his struggles have helped him become more compassionate and aware of the troubles of others–and that is peppered throughout his books. May we all learn more about ourselves and life no matter what happens. and come through it with more compassion for ourselves and others. ~Kathy
Your comment reminded me of a conversation I had recently with a friend. She was berating herself for her failures in life. I reminded her that she wouldn’t be the strong, independent person she is today without the experience of those ‘failures’.
Through adversity, we learn more about ourselves and life and hopefully it makes us better people.
Hi Joanne! I so, so agree! Of course, we might get punched if we tell that to someone who is going through crap. But I always appreciate those among us who are resilient and strong enough to accept the “lesson” or gift of challenge and use it to create something better. ~Kathy
Yeah … it’s always advisable to wait until the crapfest is long in the rearview mirror before playing the whole what-doesn’t-kill-you-makes-you-stronger card. Otherwise it’s a good way to kill a friendship.
HI Kathy,
I do love that feeling of reading an author whose words resonate so strongly that you feel as if he were writing for you and your life.
I have read Parker Palmer – The Courage to Teach when I was teaching, and A Hidden Wholeness – when I was not. I enjoyed both and definitely appreciated his lyrical style. Palmer wouldn’t qualify as a favourite author for me but that’s only because the focus on community that you so appreciate isn’t focal for me. By the way, I’m really interested to learn of your experiment in community. your community experiment. Hmm – Should I be calling it an experiment when it runs for 9 years?
Despite our different interests, I certainly agree that Palmer is a wonderful author for profound ideas. I enjoy hearing about his perspectives on aging and on politics. Love the reference to ‘national nausea’ and the metaphor of being pregnant with change.
Thanks for the review of Palmer’s book, Kathy. Your enthusiasm for his work comes through in your writing. I hope you’ll someday have a chance to meet the man.
Hi Karen! Oh I would love the opportunity to meet him someday. And, our community WAS an experiment. In many ways, I felt we were before our time but I also realize that we didn’t have the awareness, understanding and training for what it really required to pull it off long term. But learn? Oh yes, not only about community but about ourselves most of all! We/I have also been big fans of Margaret Wheatley as well, and her focus on emergent systems and new ways of leadership. Wonderful creative ideas from both but easier said than done–at least for us.
And I think because he LOVE poetry and quotes it often that he has a poets heart and that helps him to write with wonderful metaphor. While I deeply appreciate poetry, it does NOT come naturally to me. Still, something to reach for, right.
And I would love to hear how your approach to teaching compares to his. I didn’t read his “Courage To Teach” or yours so I have no clue about how they compare but would LOVE to hash it out with you someday 🙂 ~Kathy
Oh, I’d forgotten about Margaret Wheatley. I enjoyed her work too. It informed quite a few of the activities I did with people who were involved in a year long special project with me when I was at the Board office.
Someday, when we have the opportunity to meet in person, we’ll definitely talk about different perspectives on teaching. It’s another topic we can add to our list. So far, by my calculations, we need a week together. 🙂
Hi Karen! I agree about a week! That or else we would wear ourselves out talking so much that we’d have to plan a spa day (like you did with Joanne and Deb) in between a few days to recuperate! Something tells me it would be wonderful and I’m holding out the “intention” that it will happen one of these days. ~Kathy
He sounds very interesting! I will definitely have to check out his books. I, too, have felt driven to create community, ever since I was 15, actually.
I am reminded of a quote that I love, that might be an alternative to Dylan Thomas’s way of thinking in his poem (although I love the line “Rage, rage against the dying of the light,” but I don’t take it to mean fighting against physical death):
“For the truth is that I already know as much about my fate as I need to know. The day will come when I will die. So the only matter of consequence before me is what I will do with my allotted time. I can remain on shore, paralyzed with fear, or I can raise my sails and dip and soar in the breeze.”
? Richard Bode, First You Have to Row a Little Boat: Reflections on Life & Living
Hi Bethany! Thanks for your perspective on this. And I LOVE that quote you share. I’m not familiar with that author but I’m not surprised that he is someone you resonate with because of your own “boating” and sailing past. And you’re pretty young yet so the idea of “raging against the light” might sound appealing, but the light he referred to is the metaphor of death on the BIG Light (if you know what I mean!) And from what I’ve been reading on your blog you have indeed put together your own community. ~Kathy
Yes, looking back at the poem, you are definitely right. Funny how I pulled that line out of context and applied it to my own situation, LOL! We all do that sometimes! 😉 And I still like that line, out of context…
It has been fun to rediscover my old blogging community, and to meet some newcomers as well!
I love it when you find an author that syncs with what you believe, but also challenges you to look further – sometimes that clarifies your own beliefs more and sometimes it changes your whole level of thinkining on a particular subject. I found the fact that he sees that he’s on the brink and that is really opened his eyes and given him greater insight – I’d like to think that’s what getting older is doing for all of us. Mind you, I’m happy to grow old gracefully and graciously – so maybe I wouldn’t agree with everything he says either??
Hi Leanne! Yes, isn’t it such a gift when we find authors like that? And isn’t that a great metaphor–standing on the “brink? Part of me agrees with you about the “graciously” but I believe he meant it as an attempt to say–don’t settle. Don’t just put up with stuff cuz you have to. And sometimes it is exactly our “points” and contrasts that make our life most interesting–that’s what I want all the way to the end! But I’d also say that he would be the first to encourage you to have your own thoughts about his words. He really believes, like the Quaker tradition, that we should follow our own inner guidance about all! ~Kathy
Thank you for once again introducing me to a wise thinker and writer. As you know, I’m non-fiction challenged so I really appreciate you writing such a clear overview of his book. I love so many of the quotes you shared, especially: “…but how we travel the arc between our own sunrise and sundown is ours to choose.” I’m glad you mentioned that he has a Facebook page and that there are podcasts out there of his interviews. I will definitely check those out.
Hi Janis! A special thing I like about Parker Palmer is how he puts words together. He writes poetry too so like David Wyhte he words often flow out from in a melodic way. I’m a fast reader but some of his lines cause me to pause, reflect and read it again. Yes, do check him out on FB for poetry and podcasts too. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy I’ve never heard of Parker Palmer but what a wise man! I love his thoughts ‘how we travel the arc between our own sunrise and sundown is ours to choose’. Such powerful words and his attitude to life is inspiring. Thank you as always for another interesting and informative post. Have a beautiful weekend and see you next week!
Sue from Sizzling Towards 60 & Beyond
Hi Sue! I am so happy to be able to introduce you to someone new. He is a wonderful man who offers great wisdom IMHO. He also has a great FB page and posts quite a bit of his poetry and ideas. So check that out too. And yes to a great weekend for us both! ~Kathy
So much of this resonated with me as well…Writing is a kind of “public therapy for me” as well. Hopefully others “see me not as an expert but as who I am: a fellow traveler, a companion on the life journey.” I wonder as I move into crafting my refined vision if it’s too egotistical to want be a “wise, authentic voice about midlife and retirement transition?” Because I feel the need to refine my vision right now and love the “Be grateful for the life we have experienced—all the while doing what inwardly we are called to do.” I’m doing a mediation series now to help me better define what inwardly I’m called to do!
Also, I didn’t know you were a sometimes-delusional optimist! I’m a struggle-to-stay-optimist myself. 🙂 I’m not familiar with his writing but am intrigued. Too many books on my to-be-read pile right now though. I appreciate your summary even more so because of that!
Hi Pat! Yes to writing being “public therapy!” 🙂 And no I don’t think it is egotistical to hold the intention to be a wise, authentic voice about midlife and retirement–but you might want to avoid going around telling others how “wise” you are–hopefully like I avoid calling myself SMART 🙂 I tend to believe that we personally (as well as anything we write) benefits the more clear we can be about why we are doing what we are doing and who we believe ourselves to be. I also think that meditation can help that as well. As far as optimism goes, I’m actually a die-hard optimist that is sometimes delusional…does that explain it better? I also understand about your backlog of books to be read. Just keep him in mind and if the time is right you’ll know. ~Kathy
Kathy, thank you so much for this. Parker Palmer is one of the great sages of our time. Let Your Life speak changed my life. I have used The Courage to Teach over and over again in my work. I was honored to attend a session with him once. I look forward to this new book!
Hi Michele! Oh lucky you to have attended one of his workshops or classes. Although after reading a few of his books and listening to a couple of other lecture/podcasts he is so personable that I tend to feel like I know him rather personally. He definitely projects that type of energy, doesn’t he? And yes, I should probably have mentioned that “Let Your Life Speak” is his most well-known book. And I hope he continues with many more! ~Kathy
We all live in paradox. I believe humans were set up that way! Mine is, to quote you, “…the paradox of wanting to be part of a community while simultaneously craving solitude.” Like many, I probably have a few more! I agree with Palmer Parker on so many levels. And I appreciate how clearly you have laid this out for us!
Hi Diane! I so appreciate you saying that I presented Parker’s background and philosophy in a way that resonates with you. It’s always nice to introduce others to someone you admire. ~Kathy
Politics worthy of the human spirit, love that! I am not familiar with him nor was I aware of your group! From your review his words do seem to resonate with me. Thanks.
Hi Haralee! Very happy to make the introduction. I actually wrote a blog post about his other book a few years ago. Here is a link to it: https://www.smartliving365.com/chutzpah-and-humility-and-other-habits-of-the-heart/ Such good insights for us all IMHO. ~Kathy
Mr. Palmer is spot on when he includes the phrase “across political divides” in encouraging civil discourse. “It’s my way or the highway” just doesn’t work. It takes humility and compassion to really listen to other points of view. I think these are what have made me more mellow, less angry, without losing my conviction, and I am more mindful of the ways I expend my energy (less negative, more positive). First time I’ve heard of him, so thank you for sharing. I’ll keep an eye out for one of his books.
Hi Lara! I am so happy to introduce you to him. He has a strong background in the Quaker Tradition and I believe that is such a benefit to his approach to nonviolence and politics. He is a great role model for me because he takes his activism as a necessary given but does it always with respect and nonviolence. With people like him doing what he does there is certainly hope for all of us as well as the U.S. ~Kathy
Simply beautiful. Love it.
Hi Charles! Thank you. ~Kathy
You have distilled this book beautifully and I will be reading it. You are a beautiful writer!
Hi Harriet. Thank you. I appreciate your compliments but it is easy to be humble after reading the work of Parker. He has such a poetic way of expressing himself that I can only hope to be inspired by it! If you do read some of his works (this or others) come back and let me know what you think. ~Kathy
Embracing one’s self contradictions, telling the truth, recognizing there are no shortcuts to wholeness, grateful for our lives and what we are called to do…challenges for us who attempt to age gracefully. I have not heard of this author, Kathy, but your review of this book makes me eager to read it.
Hi Molly! Oh good. I am very sincere when I say he is up there VERY NEAR the top of my favorite writers. He has a number of books out and while I haven’t read every one of them, I obviously recommend him. He is also on FB and blogs there regularly and does a lot of podcast interviews as well. Check him out and let me know what you think! ~Kathy