Me in 1995 preparing for my first tandem sky-dive!
Last week I noticed a very suspicious looking blemish on my cheek, and I started worrying. I was especially nervous because when my mother was my age, she developed skin cancer under her right eye. Then several years ago my sister Ann had an angry looking sore on the back of her leg that wouldn’t heal for months. Even though hers turned out to benign, the experience made for some anxious times. So it didn’t require much imagination on my part to convince myself that my blemish could require a big chunk to be cut out of my cheek, scaring me for a lifetime. Or worse.
Finally, after waking up in the middle of the night with worry on my mind, I called the dermatologist. Although he couldn’t see me for a week, I realized that I could continue to allow fear and worry to control my life for the following seven days, or I could do something else. But isn’t that choice something we all face every day in this thing called life? Fear and worry? Or peace and happiness? We decide.
Because such a clear example showed up in my life, I came up with the following seven ways I know that fear and worry keep us, actually hijack us, from living a peaceful and happy life. They are:
a. Makes us anxious about our future and for those we love.
b. Makes us suspicious of others, including loved ones as well as strangers.
c. Makes us age and grow older faster.
d. Can make us physically sick.
e. Destroys our innate joy
f. Makes the world feel like a scary place.
g. Keeps us from being our true self.
We know this! I’m not telling any one of you something you haven’t considered before, and yet most of us still do it. Even when we like to believe we don’t go there very often, it’s easy to see it happening if we listen to our stories and conversations.
But what about when fear and worry are really important, and necessary? Unfortunately, I don’t think fear or worry ever ends up helping. I’m convinced that when I’m anxious and fearful about something, I am much less in a position to do much about it. In fact, the brain’s response to fear is to shut down and run—not come up with solutions. As we all know, common reactions to fear and worry are to run away, stick our heads in the sand, or come out fighting.
So what can we do? Here are seven options I came up with to counteract the problem:
1) Remember that much of the time what we fear isn’t even real and/or never happens. As has been said: FEAR equals—False Evidence Appearing Real. Or as Mark Twain said, I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.”
The email program on Thom’s computer froze a couple of weeks ago and it hadn’t been backed up in a while. Thom does all his business on that computer and the content was pretty momentous. When he yelled, “Help!” I panicked—that’s because I’m the computer-tech person in our family (which is pretty darn scary in itself!) But I could see from one angle that an enormous amount of data was still on his computer—all I had to do was figure out how to access it. And I did. Sure it took a little time but panic didn’t help a bit. Staying calm and talking myself “down” was the best approach. It’s wise to remember that most of the stuff we worry about doesn’t ever happen.
2) Remember that what we focus on expands in our life. In other words, if you think scary thoughts all the time then your first response to just about everything is going to be more fear and worry. Our minds are very habitual, so whatever habit of thinking we routinely entertain brings us more and more every day. If we want to reverse the trend of thinking about worry and fear, then we have to spend as much or more time thinking thoughts of peace, happiness, and feeling confident that we can overcome our difficulties.
3) Face the fear and do it anyway. A woman named Susan Jeffers wrote a very popular book about this topic and the advice remains. Our ability to grow stronger in the face of fear is like a muscle that can either be developed or allowed to be wimpy and weak. Want to overcome fear? Then face your fears slowly and gradually build the muscle. You will grow more brave and confident as time goes by.
4) Rename fear and see it in a different light. When I turned 40 years old, Thom bought me something I said I’d always wanted to do—sky dive! But when faced with making the appointment for the tandem dive I balked. It’s one thing to think about, and another to do. I knew I was nervous about the experience, but I never, ever let my mind spiral out of control with fear and worry. With gift card in hand, I showed up for my appointment with a dozen members of my friends and family. I climbed into that airplane, soared to 10,000 feet and jumped. Was it scary? Damn right! Was it exhilarating and one of the most empowering things I’ve ever done? Hell yes!
5) Become a model of strength and resilience. When we strive to show it to our partners, children, and friends, then we show others and ourselves that we are much stronger than we usually claim. By deciding we will be a positive role model to others and not a victim of fear or worry, we can challenge ourselves to move past our fears and refuse to be enslaved by them.
6) Hang out with people who refuse to talk worry or fear at all. And yes, you know the people I’m talking about here! Just as science now proves that our physical weight is impacted by our friends, so too is our ability to handle fear and worry. Choose friends that encourage you to take reasonable chances and are there to support you when any experience seems overwhelming. Stay away from friends that say, “Oh you poor thing!” and find ones that say, “You will get past this!”
7) Distract yourself. I realize that this sometimes can look a bit like denial, but it often works on me when I’m unable to get my mind from ruminating on a worrisome topic. Distraction is particularly helpful when you have a time-period to get through and know that nothing can be resolved until it passes. For example, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to see a dermatologist for seven days, so I kept myself busy with other projects while waiting. I refused to talk about it with anyone, and anytime my mind caught the spot in the mirror I would walk away and get busy with something else. Is it easy? No, but the alternative can lead to the seven points I made above that can hijack happiness.
Yesterday I went to see the doctor and surprise! He said the blemish on my cheek was just that—and nothing to worry about. Of course, I realize that sometimes the answer isn’t as positive and sometimes we are faced with much more dramatic information. But even then, nothing I could have done in the last week could have helped that diagnosis as much as refusing to let fear and worry rule my life.
Like I said in the beginning, we each have the choice of choosing fear and worry every single day. On the other hand, we also have the choice of choosing peace and happiness. I’m positive we all know which one is SMART.
I very much appreciate your philosophy: exploring ideas and experiences that help to create a meaningful, sustainable, compassionate and rewarding life for yourself and others. It certainly resonates with my own view of life. Thanks for a great post – what a great book Feel the Fear was – and still is!
Hi Margaretha! Thanks for stopping by SMART Living 365 and saying “hello!” I think there are many of us who embrace the philosophy of a “SMART” life. Of course there are LOTS of ways of that out-picturing but I think we see it whenever we see others who are happy and at peace with themselves and the world. Please come back often and join the conversation. ~Kathy
Thank you, Kathy, I definitely will. I have just subscribed to make sure I don’t miss out on any new posts and I am going to have a look at some of the older ones now – I’m off to 10 awesome benefits of growing older! Very nice meeting you, Margaretha
Hi Margaretha! Nice too meet you too! I’m looking forward to many more conversations. ~Kathy
I find that fear is often a self fulfilling prophecy. Fear 100 things, 1 of them will happen. That then justifies the fear of all 100 things that happened, and the next 100 things that haven’t yet. Crazy, no?
Hi Adam….I agree that fear is a self-fulfilling prophecy—and often more than 1 time out of 100. While it’s obvious that not every single fear comes to pass, it should be obvious that many times they do. It’s very much a principle of Law of Attraction. So why spend time worrying and fearing things only to draw them to us? Much better to stay focused on the good things in our lives and draw that to us, right? Thanks for stopping by! ~Kathy
I love #2! We do everything, the way we do anything. We see what we think. And we get what we pay for….
Hi Jodi! Thanks for jumping in here and making a comment. And yes! #2 is so important. It is actually something I work on every single day! ~Kathy
#2 is indeed the most challenging. It was also the focus of the movie I recently re-watched “The Secret”. But I guess sometimes, people can’t help it. Sometimes I feel that it is not really our focus, but these thoughts unconsciously manifest maybe because of our situations and or experiences.
Hi Aesha! Thank you for coming by SMART Living and joining the conversation. I agree that #2 can be challenging but the flip side of that is an awareness that we actually can influence what we think about and very possibly influence some of the circumstances. Of course it won’t matter how positively you stay focused, don’t try that standing in front of a speeding truck. An awareness of the laws of gravity and science should keep us from trying to leap off buildings or get in cages with wild animals. In that case I would completely agree with you that certain situations and circumstances are beyond our control of influence.
But don’t let that hold you back from attempting to stay positive (and reverse the tendency to be worried or fearful) on the things that really are in your control. I personally feel that even if I can’t control everything (and no I don’t believe I can) it is still better to “act as if” in many cases because if I can keep myself from living with fear and worry I will experience more happiness and peace than going around afraid of most things. Just like a placebo often works on sick people–staying positive and refusing to worry just might be a placebo of the mind to make our lives happier.
Anyway, thank you for coming by and sharing your thoughts. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy,
I’m definitely loving what you have to say here. I think A, B and G are the most difficult for me. I now for a fact that it has lead to past relationship issues and it it at the top of my list of things to conquer. Part of the reason I started my blog was for me to start putting myself out there to be judged and to learn to not give a rip what others might think or say. I really think it has helped me a lot over the past year. Finding great advice like this is also a definite plus to getting involved in the “blogging community”. It really is, for the most part, a supportive community of people. Great post!
Hi Chris! Nice to meet you and thank you so much for stopping by SMART Living and joining the conversation. I’m glad you found some of my suggestions helpful. I’ve really been working on #2 myself the most lately because I find that the power of our focus is so instrumental to creating the life we desire. And like you said, by focusing on our blogs we can keep our focus on things that mean something to us help to surround ourselves with people who support us as well. Thanks again for your comment. ~Kathy
hiii Kathy…
Mam your thoughts are just amazing.I like your writing style and must say this is an amazing article.
Hi Vijay! Thanks for stopping by SMART Living. I’m glad you enjoy the post. ~Kathy
What excellent tips! All too often we let fear and worry keep up from doing things.
Thanks for linking up at Gingham & Roses!
Hope to see you back next week!
Tenns @ New Mama Diaries
Hi Tenns! thank you so much for coming by SMART Living and leaving a comment. You have a great website with lots going on there so I’m sure it’s a challenge to get around to everyone. Just don’t let worry keep you from staying happy! ~Kathy
I am so riding this wavelength with you, Kathy! For all the seven “hijack” points, but especially B and F. I don’t think we should teach kids, “don’t talk to strangers.” There are other things we can tell them and use to teach them safety and street smarts without making them fear anyone they don’t know. I also wrote about this once in relation to the gun culture in the U.S. What do people fear that makes them feel like they must carry a gun to the grocery store? And how awful it must feel to walk around in that mental space every day! Thanks for this post.
Hi Laura! Thank you so much for stopping by SMART Living and joining this conversation. I’m glad you liked this post….and yes, most people who’ve read this haven’t addressed the “downsides” to feeling fear but as you say, “how awful it must feel to walk around in that mental space every day.” I always remember what Einstein said was the most important question we could ask–in spite of all his intelligence and all his amazing discoveries–he asked, “Do you think we live in a friendly universe?” How a person answers the question points to the orientation to life–friendly? or scary? And then where we put our attention grows. I’m not always successful, but I sure know what I think is most beneficial! Thanks again! ~Kathy
Hello Kathy,
Loved your article. I practice some of what you wrote about.
I suffer from fear of heights and driving on highways to the point of almost becoming home bound.
I found that my biggest issue was having anticipatory worry way before the event. Once I figured that out I could control how and when I thought about it. I would take some time to go over the route I had to take and where and how many bridges or high places I would be encountering and after that I put the thoughts away knowing that I was ready and prepared.
I have a wonderful man in my life of 18 years and he has helped greatly in getting me to accomplish many bridge crossings and enjoying the view from high places. When going over bridges on a trip I always have some busy work or reading to keep me busy and cold drinks to help me and it works most of the time. He has never pushed if I can’t do it but encourages me to try and I do. I used to worry about many things in my life and as I have gotten older I have realized I have wasted a lot of my life that I could have been enjoying. I do take medication when needed for my panic attacks but most of the time it’s not needed as long as I don’t go the worry route I can handle it.
I am now trying to quit smoking and for some reason it is very scary and I am working through the worrying part of it now so I won’t fail once I stop. .
Wish me luck
Keep up the great postings they help a lot and really make you think about things in a different more positive light.
Hugs,
Melissa
Hi Melissa! Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and share your thoughts. I am also grateful that you offered some of your own personal insights to the important issue. I agree that learning some of these ways to cope with worry, fear or anxiety aren’t easy–but as you say with consistent effort they can make a difference. Plus is it obviously very helpful to have someone who is extremely supportive while your going though it all! I’ll bet that it is also important to keep in mind that you KNOW that you miss out on so much of what you let your fears and worry keep you from enjoying thing. And even if medication is sometimes necessary, I’m all for it if it helps you to get from where you are to where you want to be.
And stay strong and focused on quitting smoking. I quite about 20+ years ago so I know it’s not easy–but it is SO worth it! One thing that helped me the most was replacing my “smoking times” with something else that I considered pleasurable. In fact, one trade off I did that I STILL do is first thing in the morning I get up and go for a walk with my dog. Now, 25 years later I still get up every morning and take the dog for a 2 mile walk. The dog loves it, my health loves it, and I’m hooked. May you discover things you enjoy better than smoking..and it’s likely that much of the worry and fear of it will melt away.
Please stop back by now and then and let us all know how you are doing! We KNOW you can do it and will be rooting for you the whole time! ~Kathy
Kathy,
These are great. We make up so much in our head, dn’t we? I love the Twain quote. I can totally relate! xo
Hi Jodi! Yes, that Mark Twain quote is one that has been a favorite for a long time. I use it frequently to bring myself back whenever I scare myself with my imaginary fears! We are definitely very creative! ~Kathy
What a fantastic list! I love that you included being a model of strength and resilience, it is so true that what we embrace does inspire others. Great post!
Hi Elin….thank you so much for stopping by SMART Living. I’m glad you enjoyed my list. It is indeed important that we remember that we have the ability to inspire others–or drag them down. Thanks for your comment. ~Kathy
Shew… So glad the spot was not anything to be worried about.
No. 1 above is so, so true. I always have to remind myself my imagination is ALWAYS worse than the reality.
Excellent reminders to choose peace and happiness. THANK YOU!
Hi Lisa! Thank you for coming by SMART Living and leaving a comment. And yes, it was good news to hear that my face was just fine. Of course it is always nice to have things like that confirmed by a professional. But if your imagination is anything like mine (and it sounds like it is!) then you know how important it is to keep it reined in! And even when I KNOW that, it still helps to be reminded. Glad you appreciated it too. Thanks again for stopping by! ~Kathy
I’m glad the blemish wasn’t serious. Worry is hard to get over. I think it really takes a conscious effort to give it up. I had an aha! moment with worry way back when I was in 9th grade. I was assigned leader of a big project and had no idea how to even get started. After a week full of worry, everything started coming together. The teacher helped organize a group, the group members helped give us some direction and started taking on tasks. In the end everything turned out ok. That’s been my motto ever since, “everything works out in the end.”
Hey Freedom! Welcome to SMART Living and thanks for joining the conversation! I LOVE your motto, “Everything works out in the end!” I will definitely remember that one and use it when necessary. ~Kathy
I’m so glad your blemish turned out to be nothing.
Although I think your strategies for controlling fear are valuable, I don’t think all fear is bad. There’s a line. What if you were not fearful concerning the blemish and it WAS something and you let it go? There are things we should be fearful of, as that fear pushes us into action.
And then there’s over the line, fear that can cause a disruption in our lives. Those are the ones that benefit from your strategies. The difficult part is in determining which fears are justified and which are just harmful.
Hi Karen! Thank you so much for stopping by and joining the conversation. I agree that we should never AVOID things that are potentially dangerous–I know (and I’m sure that you do too) many people who like to pretend that nothing challenging or bad ever happens, and then are so wiped out when something does happen that they don’t know to deal with it. Certainly whenever fear is pointing out something that needs immediate attention (like the blemish on my cheek) we should all take immediate action. But then dwelling on that fear while we are in the holding state–or worrying about things that are beyond our control, seldom helps. And in many ways it can make our experience even worse than need be. What’s the saying, “If you pray, then why worry? And if you’re worried, don’t bother praying.” In many cases, when we focus on the worry rather than the solution we cancel out the good that is potential there.
Thank you so much for pointing out this “fine line” between how fear can be helpful–and when it becomes problematic. As always, I’m always happy when my writing makes us think and clarify our understanding. ~Kathy
Kathy, You named several of the strategies I use when trapped in a worry cycle. It’s a challenge to take control of our thoughts, but so necessary if we choose to live a peaceful life! Thanks for these reminders!
Hi Nancy! Nice to hear from you and as always I appreciate your comments. I think any time we can learn to be more in control (or at least aware) of our thoughts we are benefited in the long run. One of the best things about having so many great blogger friends is that we get to remind each other of such important things! ~Kathy
I do have a tendency to be a worry wart, but just admitting that has been a big step for me. Sometimes, when the fear starts, I allow myself to sit with it for 20 minutes and just worry. When the time period has elapsed, I tell myself to let it go and do something else. Then if it pops back into my mind, I am better able to put it aside and not let it take over my thoughts. It is a constant battle!
Hi Kathy D! Thanks for jumping in here and sharing your thoughts. Good for you for recognizing your tendency to worry–and then coming up with your own solution to help. You idea of sitting with it for 20 minutes reminds me of a similar solution to when you are feeling sorry for yourself and throwing a “pity-party”–it is highly recommended to put a time limit on it, experience it as fully as you want, but then when the time is over to let it go. I’ll bet doing the same with worry works just the same. Thanks for sharing that idea and good luck with overcoming it even more in the future. ~Kathy
I gave up worry as a New Years goal last year and it was a rough start but wow it really has changed my life for the better.
I love your 7 suggestions, they are great inspiration to also make 2014 a worry free zone.
Hi Doreen! Congratulations! Thank you for sharing your success with overcoming worry and fear during the last year. I too believe that even if it is difficult in the beginning, if we can stick with it, it can only get better and better. Don’t you think much of it is just a bad habit? Once stopped it gets easier and easier to keep fear and worry at bay. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy. I always think that the most fear filled time is before you do what you fear to do. I was leaving my job and I was so filled with fear that I could not make the leap. Then when I did, the fear and chaos was gone. It was all so peaceful and quiet.
The time before you make the leap is the scariest time. It is important to realize that making the leap is your challenge but you know that you need to make it.
I agree with you though that you always fear the worst and that it seldom actually happens. So why do we do that, I wonder?
Hi Kelly! Oh yes…that time leading up until you face your fear full-out can be the worst. That’s why it is so very helpful to put a “time frame” on your fear when possible. When I was really nervous about sky-diving it helped to MAKE the appointment so that once I had, I knew there was an end to it. The same with visiting my dermatologist. If you stay in that limbo state–like you might have been waiting to leave your job???–then the fear and worry can just escalate unless you put a conclusion date on it.
But then like you say, once you do it (for me even making the appointment) you can divert your mind to other things. And I agree that much of the chaos and worry can be deafening up until then.
I read that we anticipate the worst because that is an innate survival instinct to perceive danger whenever possible (to keep ourselves alive.) So while it was originally set up when the world was full of real danger, like bears and tigers and etc… in this day and age we seldom need such a STRONG reaction to fear but our brains don’t know the difference.
Thanks as always Kelly for jumping in the conversation! ~Kathy
I wrote a blog a few weeks ago about skin checks. http://www.haraleeblog.com/2013/12/a-skin-check.html My sister noticed a “beauty mark’ on my cheek that was new. The dermatologist gave it an OK but did mention that women develop skin cancer on the backs of their legs more often than men. Men develop skin cancers on the tops of their ears. A quick body check is wise every 10 years or so or until something suspicious shows up!
Hi Haralee….I actually read your post from a few weeks ago and definitely checked out the back of my legs. As a fair-skinned person I realize that it is wise for me to do a self-check on a regular basis. I do try to use sun-screen at all times and regularly see the dermatologist about once a year just to have him check me over. My sisters problem WAS on the back of her leg like your post said which was interesting to me because she just about always wears pants…while I wear shorts a lot, but have avoided that problem. You never know. That’s why it is VERY important to check things out—especially if something is a sore that doesn’t heal. Thanks for the info Haralee! ~Kathy
I’m relieved along with you that all is okay. I do know how easy it is to worry — and fight it all the time by telling myself most of the things we worry about DON’T end up happening. It requires a lot of discipline to break the worry cycle, but it’s really necessary in order to live a peaceful life (or close to it, anyway!)
Hi Sheryl! Thanks for stopping by and joining the conversation. I almost felt a bit silly sharing the story about my worry after it turned out to be nothing–until I took a moment to acknowledge that I think we all do the same thing to some extent. The thing I am most proud of is that I caught myself relatively quickly. If I can do it faster and faster all the time. I believe I am making progress. What about you? I see your recent blog post is about “On Being A Mother” I can only imagine that you have LOTS of experience trying to break the worry cycle. If you have time, please share your greatest tip for breaking that habit. ~Kathy
Awesome advice, Kathy. I feel empowered after reading this! One of my tricks when I feel fear is to think of someone I know personally that is really strong and ask myself how they would handle ‘this’ (thing that’s happening)? i.e. I hate needles and was putting off blood tests and suddenly I scolded myself when I thought of my little grand niece who is a cancer survivor. She was tough and took countless needles. Thinking of her courage made me lose the fear.
Hi Lisa! Thank you for sharing your suggestion to overcome fear. I think your idea is an excellent one and I probably should add it to my list because I sometimes do the same thing as well. It sounds like your grand niece is a very brave girl and if she can do it, then so can you! But isn’t it funny how we all have different concerns and worries? My first reaction to my face blemish was more worried than I was about jumping out of an airplane. Your fear was needles and blood tests. I guess facing some of our inner demons and working through them has value for us all. ~Kathy
Kathy, first off, I am so relieved to hear that the blemish turned out to be nothing. I was holding my breath until I got to that part. That would have been a scary and stressful situation for me too. It’s easy to say, “don’t worry”, but much harder to follow the advice; especially when the potential outcome could be grave.
Like you say, worrying is bad for us on many different levels, but it’s probably on of the hardest things to push away. I like your suggestions on ways to help reduce worry a lot.
Hi Nancy! Thank you….I do feel incredibly fortunate that my fears were unfounded AND that I was able to stay aware enough to recognize that I was being hijacked by worries that had never been confirmed or verified. I think we can all benefit if we can learn to do that. But what about you???? I’ve followed your blog long enough to know that you try all sorts of things on a regular basis and walk through your fear. What is your secret? And now I have to go to your blog and see how you deal with snakes! 🙂 ~Kathy