I think most of us are aware that confirmation bias is a guiding force in our lives. You know what I mean, right? Research shows that we are all biased and constantly looking for evidence that reinforces our most deeply established beliefs. So, it should come as no surprise to you (any more than it did to me) when I discovered in a current book that dharma and rightsizing share a lot in common. So, if you’re a fan like me, then consider the following five ways I think that if you are on the rightsizing path, you are likely close to living your dharma. Also feel free to let me know if you believe my bias has led me astray.
First, if you are fairly new to rightsizing it might be helpful for me to share a brief description. Rightsizing is a word I came up with that describes a life that fits you perfectly in a way that brings out the very best you. It asks each of us to explore and identify those qualities and items that add value to your world and get rid of anything that detracts. It sounds easy, but it requires commitment and discipline. This concept applies to the work you do, the home you live in, the people you live with and your own body and health—everything! While simplifying and getting down to the basics of a quality life are important, there is no one right way to do it—only the way that resonates most deeply with each individual.
So, what is dharma? According to The Great Work of Your Life—A Guide For The Journey To Your True Calling by Stephen Cope, dharma is the path to your “vocation,” or “sacred duty.” But, as Cope goes on to say, “It means, most of all—and in all cases—truth.” In other words, “Our greatest responsibility in life is to this inner possibility—this dharma—and they (yogis) believe that every human being’s duty is to utterly, fully, and completely embody his own idiosyncratic dharma.” To me, that sounds a lot like embracing your own unique and rightsized Self.
Several months ago, I wrote about many of the great ideas in this book in a post called “Why Wait Until Retirement To Live A Rewarding, Meaningful & Purposeful Life?” There I found fascinating the many stories about famous and regular individuals that Cope shares as well as how each person exemplifies the path to finding and living their dharma. But most interesting to me was the chapter on Henry David Thoreau. It is in his discussion of Thoreau that Cope actually uses the word rightsizing. Here then are five ways that Cope believes that Thoreau came to find and fully express his dharma by rightsizing.
1) The path of dharma and rightsizing is to find meaning, fulfillment and living our own unique truth. Dharma is explained and highlighted in an ancient teaching called the Bhagavad Gita. At the core of that story is the understanding that the human life is one of action. It is not about escaping life or denying it, but honing down and eliminating all that keeps us from profound engagement and deep meaning in the experience of our lives. (Rightsizing in action!) A key principle in both is that the inner journey precedes the outer journey of life. In other words, it matters less about the size of our house, how much stuff we have and our actual job. What’s important is that we know and embrace who we truly are before we can experience that fully in the world.
2) Beware the lure of grandiosity. Cope explains that at the beginning of Thoreau’s writing career he wanted what many people want—fame and fortune. He moved to New York City to establish himself as a great writer. There Thoreau tried to copy what all the other famous writers were doing and failed miserably. Only then did his disgrace force him to begin to ask many rightsizing questions like, “Who am I? What is important to me? What do I have to add to the world?” That’s when Thoreau realized that he wanted to live deeply in nature and write about that as an experiment in living well. According to Cope, “Thoreau’s failure in New York was a life lesson. Be who you are. Do what you love. Follow your own distant drummer. ‘A man’s own calling ought not to be forsaken!’”
3) Don’t devalue your life or gifts—it doesn’t have to impress anyone! Opposite of the lure of grandiosity is another admonition from Cope saying we need to beware of the tendency to downgrade our dharma—and thereby avoid living it. It happens with rightsizing when we compare our rightsized life to how others are doing and figure there is no way we can compare. We look at the fame others have or the stuff they own and believe we ought to do the same. Instead, Cope explains that when Thoreau returned to Waldon Pond he took up residence in a small (and extremely humble) cabin owned by a friend. He didn’t even pay rent. He lived close enough that his mother brought him sandwiches and cookies on a regular basis. It was well known that his daily life, even while writing his masterpieces, consisted of sleeping late, reading, and taking long “sauntering” walks that lasted for hours—and supplementing that with thoughtful prose.
Yet, in spite of his simple and modest living arrangements, in 24 months Thoreau produced some of his most profound writings. His work has influenced millions of people including notables like Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King, Jr., and Mahatma Gandhi. More importantly, those writings have inspired generations to be themselves. At its core, Cope writes, “It was his resolute embrace of a right-sized self that becomes for him the doorway into a full life.”
4) Rightsizing and dharma ask us to be resolutely and faithfully who we are. According to Cope, Thoreau was a student of the Bhagavad Gita. He studied it and carried it with him during his 2+ years at Waldon Pond. Thoreau believed that “A man tracks himself through life. One should always be on the trail of one’s own deepest nature. For it is the fearless living out of your own essential nature that connects you to the Divine.” And while that sounds great in retrospect, according to Cope, Thoreau enjoyed only mild success while he was still alive. In fact, Cope writes that Thoreau was actually considered a “loser” by many. Some of his neighbors considered Thoreau to be “widely seen as ‘an irresponsible idler, a trial to his family, and no credit to his town.’ Others thought him a mere pencil maker and a tax avoider.
The lesson for all of us to know is that we must be true to ourselves regardless what others are thinking—especially if we want to honor our unique gifts. If we want to live in another country, write poetry, forgo going to college, have kids, don’t have kids, live in a tiny house, buy a mansion—what others think of us doesn’t matter. What matters is that we are true to the life we are called to live and that we let go of everything else.
5) “Know your own bone!” According to Cope, Thoreau was eventually able to claim his rightsized, dharma life. At one point he even boldly claimed, “I am a mystic, a Transcendentalist, and a natural philosopher to boot.” And while that might sound glamorous to you or me, it wasn’t to many of his contemporaries. At the essence of that proclamation was his pronouncement, “Do what you love! Know your own bone; gnaw at it, bury it, unearth it, and gnaw it still.”
Far too many of us distract ourselves working at jobs we dislike, to make lots of money so we can buy things we really don’t need just to try and make ourselves happy. But what if we instead took the time to find out what our “bone” is—that which makes our heart’s sing—and we do that above all else? What if we stripped away all the superfluous amusements and focused on what really matters? What if we took the time to unearth our dharma and rightsized our life? That bone, that jewel, will lead to a life well lived—as long as we don’t give up.
As I said before, I found it fascinating that Cope equated Thoreau’s life to one where he rightsized. While Cope also agrees that our dharma can change throughout our lifetime and the timing for offering our gifts is essential, he clearly says in his book that, “Right size is everything.” Holding the balance between too big (grandiose) and too small (devaluing) is a big problem for most people. But, if we can do like Thoreau, where we experiment with our lives to find that perfect balance, then, we invite our dharma to “explode with energy.” At that point, we will likely find ourselves living the life we are called to live.
One of the reasons I write so much about rightsizing, and look for ways to reinforce it in my life is because it helps ME stay focused on what is most important in my life. (And obviously, I hope it does the same for others.) The SMART and practical approach is to look for and embrace all those ideas that bring us into better harmony with our own unique selves—and that is likely our dharma!
Okay, your turn! Have you heard about dharma before and do you believe that living your dharma and rightsizing share a lot in common? Do you agree that “living in harmony with our own unique selves” is a beneficial way to live? I’d love to hear your thoughts on these questions and the article. Please share in the comments below.
Hi Kathy:
Those five points really resonate with me. In (1) you make the point about “the understanding that the human life is one of action.” I agree with this very much, but sometimes need to remember, as you say, “A key principle in both is that the inner journey precedes the outer journey of life.” If we don’t remember this second point, we can put a lot of effort in to actions that don’t align with our purpose and values.
(2) Grandiosity and (3) devaluing one’s gifts — yup, big booby traps (and maybe for many women, especially the latter). (4) living a life that is true to one’s own unique gifts – as Liesbet says above, its amazing how troubles, and even everyday tasks of living, can get in the way of this or distract one from the path. And as for (5) Know your own bone, I struggle with this because I seem to have 4 or 5 or 6 bones (themes or purposes) that keep recurring throughout my life.
Jude
Hi Kathy!
Hello from the Philippines. I stumbled on your blog over the weekend and it has been hours of reading well-spent. This post reminded me of my attempts to be part of the “minimalist movement.” Though I am still working towards that and Marie Kondo might not yet confirm me as a disciple, reading about rightsizing seems to have much in common with going minimalist.
I’m in crossroads right now, trying to find my truth ; your post gave me more clarity on the questions i should ask myself and never to devalue the gifts I have.
Thank you.
–Lara
Hi Lara from the Philippines! Thank you for stopping by and letting me know you’ve found some of my posts helpful. And you’ve actually given me another idea for a blog post…while you point out how minimalism is so popular, I think the reason I prefer rightsizing is because it is a “personal approach to minimalism.” Don’t be surprised if you see a post along those lines in the future. Thanks again for your comment. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy,
Great post that got me thinking! All my life I have tried to live for some purpose, to serve others in some way – whether it be with my family or my work or as a volunteer (or all 3 combined). Maybe it’s because I’ve been sick for a couple of weeks now, or maybe it’s because I’m getting old and cranky and worn out, but I no longer feel that way about my particular dharma…I just want to enjoy the time I have left (once I retire) doing stuff that makes ME happy. So maybe that is my way of rightsizing? Hehehe….we’ll see if this sticks. Thanks!
Deb
Hi Deb! I so agree that past a certain age most women (me included) seem less interested in making everyone else happy at our own expense. Now that you mention it, that certainly qualifies as rightsizing in my definition! That doesn’t mean that we stop caring about others and want to be compassionate, we just know our boundaries better are realize that if we are depleted, we really have little to offer others. And Dharma plays into the equation IMHO because it asks us to remember our true nature (which isn’t supposed to be a slave or a doormat to anyone!) and to live from that place of deep connection. So I’m sorry you didn’t feel well for the last couple of weeks but who knows? Maybe that was EXACTLY the best thing that could have happened to you! Now don’t forget 🙂 ~Kathy
Maybe! Thanks, Kathy.
Hi Kathy. I’m later than I’d like to be at reading and responding to your post, but as I was reading it this morning, I realized my lateness is a perfect example of all that the post stirred up in me.
I do think that rightsizing and living your dharma are similar concepts. Cope seems to treat dharma as the result of rightsizing when he says, “it was his resolute embrace of a right-sized self that becomes for him the doorway into a full life.” So I’m thinking that rightsizing is the action and dharma the result? Is that where you’re landing on this? (And, for what it’s worth, I’m glad you’ve used the term rightsizing in your work and that you’ve focused on action. I’ve heard the term ‘dharma’ often but it never really resonated for me – sounding too mystical, too tied to yogis and nonstop meditation. Thanks for explaining it more clearly.)
What I found when I read your post was that I was craving a return to this kind of thinking, this kind of focus in my life. Between April’s A-Z challenge and May’s outdoor work and some family issues that will still go on through much of June, I haven’t had the time or the clear brain to be concerned with rightsizing my life. I’m very grateful that you write these posts to keep you on track; they serve the same purpose for me.
I find that when I focus on rightsizing, I definitely veer into the dangerous territory of grandiose thinking. When I am too busy to focus on rightsizing, I’m firmly in the area of devaluing. It’s a definite dilemma. If you have written about this problem or plan to, I’m all ears.
Thanks for another excellent post, Kathy. I hope you’re having a good weekend. Karen
Hi Karen! It’s always nice to hear from you whenever you get around to stopping by! I’m glad you enjoyed my attempt to tie rightsizing with dharma. I did (as usual!) take a bit of editorial license with my approach…but I think I was able to share my thoughts okay. Cope doesn’t really say dharma “comes” from rightsizing, but he did imply it a couple of times…yet he actually jumps around a bit with how he defines it so I guess you could say, “yes and no.” And as far as action goes, he makes a big point of saying that the Bhagavad Gita is actually a sacred text inspiring “action in the world”. It was meant for the common man as a way to live AND be in touch with the Divine. So I’m not sure he would see dharma as a result of rightsizing…more like they go hand-in-hand. But then again, that is my interpretation of his interpretation!! It did make me order a copy of the Bhagavad Gita for myself so I’ll tell you what I thought of that one of these days.
And also from my perspective, I think ALL of us vacillate between grandiosity and devaluing in many areas of our life. For me rightsizing keeps me paring down all the superfluous and superficial and getting to the real “core” of whatever matters most to me. I can apply rightsizing to just about anything (and obviously I do!!!) When I do veer off into grandiosity or devaluing, I find it is usually my inner critic or my ego (aren’t they mostly the same?) that is attempting to berate me or build me up–and distract me from what matters most. Of course, we could go back and forth with this endlessly 🙂 But as you suggest, it would also make an interesting blog post.
Thanks again for checking in with this! I so wish we could meet for happy hour and REALLY discuss this!!! ~Kathy
Hi Kathy,
So I just had to read Cope’s book after your two excellent posts about it. My nine pages of notes attest to how much I loved the book, how meaningful I found it.
The exemplars of famous people who found their dharma worked well, I thought, for explaining the concepts in the Bhagavad Gita. I don’t think Cope did as well with the examples of his friends, maybe because they were still in the midst of the search for their dharma when he was writing.
You’re right that you’ve taken some editorial license conflating the concepts of dharma and rightsizing, but so what? The points you make about rightsizing are valuable and there are certainly some connections to dharma.
I think that the one point that maybe bears more emphasis is Cope’s contention that “Dharma is a response to the urgent–though often hidden–need of the moment. Each of us feels some aspect of the world’s suffering acutely. It tears at our hearts. Others don’t see it or don’t care. But we feel it. And we must pay attention. We must act. This little corner of the world is ours to transform. This little corner of the world is ours to save.”
When I think about this, about Cope’s belief that dharma is for the world, not just for us, it helps to explain why so many of us feel a need to blog. It also explains why some bloggers are more successful at it than others. You, for example, have been able to sustain your blogging over a number of years and make it deep and rich and meaningful not because writing is your dharma (in my opinion) but because rightsizing is. Writing is vital, don’t get me wrong, but it is the vehicle that lets you powerfully share your message, a message that you see as a vital need in our world. You are giving the message of rightsizing your all in your writing. It’s the “laser beam of effectiveness” that Cope talks about in the book.
Just a thought of the moment, Kathy. I too wish we could meet for happy hour and talk and talk and talk.
Hi Karen! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts about this book and how I used it to further my “rightsizing” message. 🙂 Yep…it is definitely a re-occurring theme and certainly a big part of my dharma. And I also agree with you about why so many of us are drawn to blogging – it provides so many of us with a way to share what we are and see with others in a hope to help “heal” some of the troubles of the world.
I did think that Cope offered a bit of conflicting message with the book. He started out saying that our dharma is something we all have a need to express, but that it doesn’t have to be big, or grand or “important.” Then he goes through and discusses some big, grand and amazing people with incredible dharmas…ending with Gandhi and the message of getting to zero. Hm…? I’m a HUGE fan of Gandhi’s but can even conceive of the idea that my dharma is as “relevant” as his and that the best way to live life is to “get to zero.” So I ended the book feeling a bit conflicted about that. I also think some of his preferences for Buddhism also showed up in the end which didn’t feel as inspired as the beginning of the book did. I appreciated the stories of his friends simply because they were more real and approachable than the “famous” examples, but like you said, he left them a little flat in the end which again, only seemed to make the famous ones stand out more predominantly. Still, there is so much that is good about the book and if it does nothing more than encourage thought–how great is that? I’ll be we could really talk this one over in person! Until then!!!! ~Kathy
I remember one day when I was of elementary school age thinking that my gift was to explain things to people, to make things clearer than they’d been able to hear it before, to convey things in a simple and natural/enjoyable way. I don’t know how I verbalized that (in my head), but I do remember thinking it. And a few years ago, my husband observed about me, “You have a need to communicate.” What drives us? Why? I love these discussions, Kathy. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Lynne! How wonderful that you heard that “still, small voice” when younger so clearly. I didn’t hear mine until years and years later! Of course it doesn’t matter so much WHEN we hear it, what matters IMHO is that we do our best to keep listening and following! From what I know about you, you have followed yours in so many wonderful ways. Yes to both rightsizing AND dharma! ~Kathy
Whooho, rightsizing proven by many! “living in harmony with our own unique selves” is the only way to live in my opinion!
Hi Haralee! Thank you! I find it very satisfying too and am always happy to find a fellow fan! ~Kathy
Yes, I’ve heard about dharma before, probably on your site. And, I know all about rightsizing! All thanks to conversations you and I had, your blogs, and your books, of course. Both terms seem to coincide nicely. I think it’s important we live the life that we want to live, and not what society tells us to do.
While my husband and I might be a good example of that, some situations are difficult to get out of. We try to live life on our own terms, but it’s not always easy, especially when commitments need to be met (and can’t easily be abandoned) and health is a concern. Sometimes I wish all I had to care and think about was my dharma and our rightsizing way of life, or attempt thereof.
Hi Liesbet! Thank you so much for pointing out something that I obviously haven’t made clear. In the way I see rightsizing, there is never a time when it’s “done”. It is definitely a “the path is the journey” sort of thing. None of can ever escape the day-to-day details of life, we just learn to fit them into our “rightsized” life and hopefully stay true to our true nature while doing it. The examples in the book were perfect because he used such notables as Thoreau, Jan Goodall, Beethoven, Susan B. Anthony and Harriet Tubman…oh, and Gandhi. Some of these people had very difficult lives but they are so captivated by the purpose of their dharma (and the rightsized life they created out of it) that they just followed where it led them. Rightsizing, and dharma isn’t always the easy way–and as we all know–being true to ourselves isn’t always easy. But the satisfaction that comes from the deep belief that we are being true to our essential nature is worth it all. And I tend to believe that when we do everything else falls into place in our lives. Does that make it more clear? ~Kathy
That makes it totally clear, Kathy. And, yes, there is satisfaction in feeling that you’re on your own, right path. As far as everything falling into place… I usually believe in that as well, if there is a “happy” ending. When health issues are involved, all beliefs and securities about our way of life or capabilities might get tossed out the window.
Hi Liesbet! I agree that health challenges can throw a monkey wrench in most circumstances. But that is probably a reason why I think having a strong intention about our personal dharma (or how we rightsize it) is so important. I think that like a “mission statement” that guiding message will help us no matter what we are going through. While it won’t necessarily make those challenges easier, I think it offers us a path through and a realization that we will still have that, no matter what, on the other side of the hill. Plus, I think once you get to know your true self, it would be hard to toss that out of the window! ~Kathy
Hi, Kathy – Thank you for another very wise and engaging post that provokes much thought.
I agree that rightsizing and dharma share much in common. I also agree that being true to our authentic selves, and finding our perfect balance, are lifelong pursuits!
Hi Donna! I am glad you feel it is a worthy topic too and one that we can spend our whole lives learning…It’s obviously important to me because I keep writing about it! And the fact that I got so excited about another writer using rightsizing in a new way is probably an indication. Thanks for checking in on this! ~Kathy
I was introduced to Darma and the Bhagavad Gita by a professor of philosophy whose lectures I attend now and then. I love how Darma and rightsizing work together. It certainly is a journey to both but I’m enjoying the path I’m taking.
Hi Janis! Lucky you to have been exposed to some of these ideas so long ago. I would be curious about your “take” on how Stephen Cope treats the subject. He sure opened the door for me to compare it to rightsizing. And as always, I am happy that you are on a journey that brings you joy and satisfaction. Speaking of that, any trips planned for this summer? ~Kathy
Actually it wasn’t so long ago, I attend his lectures as part of an ongoing learning program. I’m so grateful that a speaker of his caliber gives his time so generously (I’m sure whatever he makes as a guest lecturer isn’t much).
I’m guess that a lot of those professors who teach Osher Classes and other Life-Long Learning classes do it because they too love to keep learning AND sharing what they have learned with others. There are SO-O many opportunities for us all to keep learning. I too am grateful for them all!
I agree that rightsizing (thank you, Kathy and Thoreau!) is the one path that will lead us to our true selves, and our true calling. But it’s not easy! I still struggle with this, despite the many years I’ve given to this search. I’ve always taken on many obligations, mostly in my family, but recently I am shedding some of them. The yardstick I use is, “How does this make me feel?” If I find that I secretly resent something I am doing, I re-think it. If I feel joy while doing an activity, I embrace it. Seems to work!
Hi Diane! I completely agree that it might sound rather simple but it is very challenging to do it–day in and day out. Of course, according to Cope and maybe the Bhagavad Gita (I haven’t read the text!) once we get into the true flow of our dharma, then the Universe will rush in to help us in all sorts of ways. Cope quotes the Goethe quote that goes, “Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.” I think my problem is that I allow myself to be distracted more than I should. Of course, as Abraham says, “We’ll never get it done and never get it perfect.” One day at a time! Thanks for bringing this up! ~Kathy
It’s so true about people staying in soul sucking jobs to make the money they need to live up to their expectations. Lower your perceived needs, live within your means and life starts to look a lot more attractive – and you can kick the sucky job to the kerb! Nothing is worth giving years of your life to a job that takes you away from the life you could be living right now – rightsizing is the perfect solution.
Hi Leanne! So true! It’s sad that some people are the same on your side of the world too. I think that’s why it is so important for us bloggers to continue to put the reminders out there. I love how you say it! “Nothing is worth giving years of your life to a job that takes you away from the life you could be living right now – rightsizing is the perfect solution.” Thanks for sharing your thoughts. ~Kathy