“…if you are spending more time on Facebook than face-to-face with your partner, you may be yearning for connection, for belonging, or to matter.” ~ J. Wright, EdD
My husband Thom and I married 38 years ago and never once did I think our fights contributed to our great marriage. Until now. Both of us are verbally energetic which is wonderful when we are happy, excited and in harmony. However, just mention the word “no,” or express an opposing opinion, and the words can fly fast and furious. Fortunately, after all these years we’ve learned a great deal about each other and what triggers defensive or aggressive retaliation. These days our energetic discussions usually end quickly, and are far fewer and further between. But now, a new book titled, The Heart Of The Fight by Judith and Bob Wright, EdDs, puts our arguments in a positive new perspective. According to the Wrights, at the heart of the every fight is a tremendous opportunity for all relationships, and for each individual to grow and thrive. Who knew?
A big part of the problem is that most of us grow up believing that fighting signals a bad relationship. Then add that together with a belief in fairy tales like Cinderella and Snow White that teach us that all we need to do is find the right and perfect person and then we will live happily-ever-after. It’s easy to understand the problem. But the Wrights claim otherwise—and if Thom and I’s relationship is any example—they are on to something important. After reading their book, I’ve discovered three ways I believe that fighting can help us all create the best relationships possible.
#1 Fighting correctly leads to a more authentic and real you, capable of genuine interactions with others. I doubt there is any one of us who will deny the fact that arguments are tough. Most of the time, they don’t feel good regardless if either of us wins. So what do most of us do? Avoid them if possible. After years of avoiding, denying and tiptoeing around to avoid rocking the boat, we often become merely a shadow of our real selves. Instead, by learning to address conflict as “creative engagement” we find a release from our self-imposed fake identity.
Does that mean we will sometimes lose friends or disappoint others? Yes. But the freedom and self-awareness that comes from being authentic and in touch with our feelings more than compensates for a fake and numb life. As the Wrights say in their book, “…see your fights not as a problem, but as a powerful doorway to self-knowledge, growth, deep understanding, and intimacy as you unearth the unconscious layers that trigger them.”
#2 Your arguments will help your relationship become more alive, growing, thriving and resilient. Unfortunately, most of us do the opposite and try to keep our relationships on a smooth and easy keel. Then instead of making them strong and adaptable, we make them weak and susceptible to an explosive end. The Wrights offer a different suggestion. They say, “True love means you both dig in the dirt of the relationship and pull the weeds to create an ever-growing intimacy. It means kissing and yelling, playing and fighting, comforting and challenging each other. It means being real, not careful.”
According to the Wrights, any couple who doesn’t fight isn’t growing, and neither is their relationship. They believe, “Couples don’t get divorced because they fight; they split up because they don’t know how to use conflict to create a new depth of intimacy…” Rather than avoiding a fight, trying to get through a fight, or win, we should instead learn to mine our disagreements and get to the rich information hidden underneath.
Interestingly enough, studies show that couples who fight vigorously and early in their relationships have better ones in the end. In other words, having short-term discomfort is nearly always better than festering long-term problems. Perhaps even more remarkable is that aggressive fighters are not the most problematic. Instead, when one partner wants to work on the issue but the other withdraws or avoids the problem, the relationship is unlikely to continue for long.
#3 Rather than seeking to live happily-ever-after you discover the far greater benefits of living deeply-ever-after. The Wrights believe that as long as we insist on pursuing outdated models of relationships, those happy endings we seek will never happen. The big problem with happily-ever-after is that it implies an unexamined, unconscious, superficial and static ways of being. Settling into a boring routine can be deadly for a relationship. Instead, the Wrights recommend, “Living deeply-ever-after is what matters.” Making an even stronger point, the Wrights say, “If you want to live happily-ever-after, you don’t want enough.”
What is far better is to see our relationships and our lives as a growing, evolving, adventures. However, to do that we must honestly look at some of the misconceptions we bought into along the way. The big relationship myths shared by the Wrights are:
Myth 1: If I only had a relationship then I would be happy. Ultimately, “we alone have the power to change our level of happiness.” If we want to be happy, it is mostly up to us.
Myth 2: Love means you love and accept me for who I am. Contrary to that myth, “Relationship research shows that helping others become their best selves and reach their ideal, creates the most satisfying relationships.”
Myth 3: Finding the “one” or my “soul mate” is the answer. Rather, relationship research shows that those who believe in a soul mate and those who are looking for their soul mate “actually make it more difficult to experience the intimate relationship you seek!” And perhaps not as emotionally rewarding in the beginning, those who look for a partner who wants to learn, grow and deepen their relationship over the long haul report greater satisfaction.
Myth 4: Compatibility matters. According to the Wrights, “What matters most is common values, not common interests.”
Myth 5: Chemistry is what counts. Not only does chemistry sometimes get in the way of a couple having meaningful discussions, it often clouds the real issues needing to be addressed. Getting past the passion to companionate love is far better for relationships.
Myth 6. Attraction means it’s right. The Wrights claim that we all form unconscious patterns of what love looks like and feels like from our family of origin. Usually, that pull is what attracts us in the first place in our relationships, and that isn’t always best.
Myth 7. All you need is love. While this statement makes a great song lyric, the Wrights point out that, “Relationships, like any growing, organic thing, require maintenance and nurturing to grow.” While it would be pleasant to believe that love is easy, much of the time it requires attention and effort to fulfill it’s potential.
Once we accept that our arguments and fights can offer tremendous benefits, how do we go about learning skills to make it happen? Fortunately, the book offers dozens of ideas that the Wrights have learned over the years in their private practice and workshops. Included are the 15 most common fight topics, along with a short list of “Rules For Creative Engagement.” In other words, they offer rules to teach us to fight fair. While not easy nor quick solutions, anyone who enjoys learning and becoming more self-aware is sure to see the benefits of such an ongoing practice. Calling their process “creative engagement,” they remind us “The purpose of a relationship is not to find the right partner but to be the right partner, where you both are working toward something greater and becoming all you can be.”
Behind it all, this book is a strong reminder that each of us is solely responsible for our own happiness in this life. Although challenging to imagine my life without Thom by my side, it is important for me to remember that he was not created to serve me and insure my happiness. Instead by creatively engaging in our relationship, we are each gifted the opportunity to become the best possible people we were born to be, and then to help one another share that with the world. Anything else is less than SMART.
What an important post. Will be sharing. Definitely want to read this book now!
Hi Stephanie! Thank you. I hope you enjoy the book! ~Kathy
Kathy–holy cow, you nailed it and the care and wisdom in your responses warms my heart. I am pleased to inform you, that like it or not, I consider you a high level officer in the army of emerging consciousness. Thanks for the great, diligent work you are doing. Bob Wright
Hi Bob! Wow! Thank you for your praise. I could tell when reading your book that your background and understanding were similar to Thom and mine. Learning and growing from everything we encounter and evolving consciousness is so very important to us both. And THANK YOU for putting such a positive spin on fighting. I am certain that you are such a great help for many people who truly want to grow and develop their themselves and their relationships! ~Kathy
My husband and I are both oldest children, highly verbal, strong willed with graduate degrees in rhetoric. It gets a little crazy sometimes, but we are very committed to the relationship (almost 20 years of marriage and still going strong), so we know we’ll find some way through, even if it takes a while. Thanks for tackling this sometimes controversial topic.
Hi Karen! It sounds like you and your husband share a lot of the same qualities as Thom and I. I just found it so refreshing to be offered a perspective that showed how our verbal dexterity could be an advantage rather than a detriment, don’t you? And if it is any consolation, those first 20 years were actually the most challenging for us. Not because we weren’t committed, but because we were both young and still learning about ourselves and each other. Once we hit 20 years together it just seemed to get easier and easier for us. You have so much to look forward to! Happy loving and learning as you grow. ~Kathy
In addition to your post, Kathy, T.O.’s comment also had me nodding my head. Sometimes my hubby and I start out being ornery about something, and then we end up laughing and suddenly the perceived importance of the issue has all but disappeared. And yes, other times we have things that are closer to arguments, but what I like the best is when we have difficult conversations, without fighting, but not shying away from the tough stuff, either, and we do it from a place of caring, so even when we aren’t happy with each other, we know we want the best for each other. That’s when I really feel like no matter what, we’re going to be okay.
Hi Laura! Thank you so much for sharing what works for you and your husband. Because we are all so different there are bound to be different tweaks to what serves us best. But as you say, knowing that we both want what is best for the relationship is huge. The book does bring up the Gottman’s research reminding us all that happy and satisfied couples have far more positive interactions with each other than negatives, and lots of other tips and suggestions. I’ll bet that many of us who have good and long-lasting relationships already include many of those ideas but it NEVER hurts to have them repeated. Thank you again for your thoughts. ~Kathy
I really enjoyed this Kathy! A good relationship to me is a even keel of both. You need harmony, peace and love. You also need the arguments to grow and get to the level of relationships like ours. We are each other’s sounding board and while sometimes we don’t always like what we hear we are obligated to listen intently and participate. That what makes a relationship a partnership. It can’t always be 50/50 and being able to live with that is a huge step forward.
Hi Rena! Thank you so much for adding another level of understanding to this idea. I so agree that marriages are a mix of love, peace and harmony and then a “contrast” to that which pushes us a bit out of our comfort zones and provides growth and opportunity. As you say, the best marriages are partnerships and partners don’t always see everything the same. If we did, one of us would be unnecessary, right? Thank you so much for adding that perspective! ~Kathy
I think it’s unrealistic to assume we will never argue or disagree. I love a good argument! I love to air things out and come to a conclusion. Or not. No abuse of course.
Hi Carol! I do think it all depends on how we are “wired” when it comes to disagreements. I have never been one who could hide my feelings very well and believe that it is far better to get my thoughts and emotions out in the open than hold them inside–so yeah, I tend to also “air things out and come to a conclusion” just like you. Ultimately it’s all about finding our own way the best we can. Thanks for adding to the conversation. ~Kathy
Wow Kathy–as a married man and Marriage and Family Therapist, I hear lots that I agree with and the Wrights’ emphasis on “The purpose of a relationship is not to find the right partner but to ‘be the right partner’, where you both are working toward something greater and becoming all you can be.”
Hi Gary! I was thinking of you when I read this book because I know you do so much relationship counseling and wondering if you were familiar with the Wright’s work. In so many ways they sound as though they come the same background as us both, but they do have some rather unusual perspectives on some things. What do I mean by that? They actually come out and say that “active listening is some of the worst relationship advice you’ll ever get.” Instead, a big part of their work is digging into what is really causing the disagreement in the first place and being conscious, real, vulnerable and truthful. If you haven’t read the book I would recommend it. ~Kathy
Really interesting post! We are still struggling a bit with our post-retirement relationship (it’s mostly good, but there is a danger of too much together time) so this might be a good book for us to read. It’s not about the fighting so much, it’s more about effective, respectful communication.
Hi Janis! Yes, like I said in a different comment, I think they used the word “fighting” in a very provocative way in order to get our attention. Mainly because when they go through the “guidelines” for having creative engagement (the name they use for “fighting”) they are mostly just suggestions for good conversation and discussion. Their “Seven Rules For Engagement” are very much about being positive, expressing the truth, minimizing the negative and always assuming the best–all things that would be a benefit to any relationship. For any couple that wants to grow and learn more about themselves and each other I think the book has value. Let me know if you get it and what you think. ~Kathy
This is great Kathy! I agree being the right partner is as important as finding one and shared values win out every time more than shared interests as a staying quality. Knowing when arguing that some things said can not be unsaid is crucial in my opinion too. Comes under the category of fair fighting!
Hi Haralee! Thanks for jumping in with your perspective on this. And yes, having guidelines about “fair fighting” is a big part of what the author’s advocate. They AREN’T for knock down drag out fights by any means. And such a big part of their work is taking 100% responsibility for our own happiness AND in every disagreement taking 50% of the responsibility for the interaction. That means that it is never just one partner’s issue–if a disagreement comes up it is always a dynamic between the two that needs to be addressed, and yes, learned from. There were so many little jewels in this book that it was difficult to pick what I would share so I hope I’ve encouraged anyone who is interested to find a copy of the book for themselves. ~Kathy
When my husband and I first started living together he would get totally quiet and withdraw when I got upset about something. It took a long time but he finally began to understand that I needed him to react some way even if it was to just stick out his tongue. Now, after 24 years, he fights back! We are both very stubborn and vocal. But we both love each other beyond any doubt. We are definitely examples of shared values, but we also have shared interests and backgrounds. Plus like, TO, we met later in life (relatively speaking, in our 30’s).
Hi Suzie! I’m so glad to hear that through the years you’ve learned how to communicate in a way that fits both of your neeeds. The authors write that a big part of the way we approach fighting has to do with the examples we wittnessed as children–either we wanted to be like our parents OR exactly the opposite. Then when we form our own relationships we act that belief out unconsciously UNLESS we become conscious and decide to change it for the better. It sounds like you found something that works for you. Congratulations! ~Kathy
GREAT article. If we went a day without a tussle I’d know it was over! Most of it isn’t serious, it’s just the way we relate.
Hi Tam! Glad you appreciated the perspective. I found it very refreshing for the authors to take the approach that fighting wasn’t BAD. It all depends on what you do with it and whether you use it to find greater understanding of both yourself and your partner. As I said in the article, the absolute worse thing that can happen is when one person is verbally engaged and the other person checks out and refuses to communicate. Of course there are better and worse ways to do it, and the book does offer some great guidelines and suggestions, but commitment to “relating” is key. Thanks for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
Chemistry can fade, attraction means so many different things–but yes being compatible and finding common ground on which to discuss and decide is what makes a good marriage. We are soul mates and we do love each other, but over 45 years of marriage we have had our ups and down. Mostly ups. Commitment and love go a long way to smoothing out problems and we’ve had some. But he’s my guy and I’m his and we are very grateful for all the things we do share–even politics.
Hi Beth! Thom and I have often thought of ourselves as soulmates too, but I have to admit I appreciated the author’s perspective on that because they are trying to get people to stop believing that there is only one, right and perfect person out there and that they can only be happy in this life if they find them. The way the explain that seemed to make a lot of sense to me. They also pointed out that sometimes thinking that you are the one-and-only of a person implies that you are already perfect and that the relationship doesn’t ever need any care and attention. But like you, those of us who’ve been at it for the long haul know that a great relationship takes time AND effort–it doesn’t just magically happen. So glad you’ve found a partner that is committed to a great relationship too! ~Kathy
Hi Kathy,
I almost feel like I’m admitting failure here when I say this: my husband and I don’t fight. We never have, and when ever I read something about the value of fighting, I end up raising my concerns with my husband, yet again, and he ends up making me giggle by asking with a perplexed look on his face, “so, you want to fight?” To which I have to answer honestly, “no, of course I don’t want to … but they say we’re supposed to!”
That’s not to say we don’t disagree. We are so different in so many ways, it’s a little freaky … and we acknowledge and appreciate those differences. But we don’t fight about any of it.
So, this is where I’m going to have to disagree with these “experts” because we are always growing from what we learn together. There are some nights when we talk at length about things that we see differently … but it never turns into a fight.
So I’m going to quote another expert, one that makes me feel like maybe we’re on to something … “My own belief is that emotionally mature and skillful couples don’t fight at all. When they are mad, they pause to calm down. They then deal with the sensitive issue via quiet, cooperative talking.” ~ Susan Heitler Ph.D.
Could be it because we met later in life? I’m not sure but, in the end, it comes down to simply knowing what works and rolling with it. 🙂
Hi T.O. Now that I know you I can see that you are not a fighter and I certainly see your point of view. I was pretty surprised to read the author’s perspective on that myself. But while I doubt any statement made like that is 100% true, I personally do know some couples who don’t fight or talk much at all about anything important, and unfortunately it does seem to indicate an extreme lack of communication on their part. What I think is the key and probably why you have such a good relationship is that you are in constant communication and talk things through. I also think that the author’s play up the word fighting and arguments because they are attempting to get to the “heart” of them and offer them up as an opportunity to grow, rather than something people should be afraid of doing. Like I said in the post, Thom and I happen to be “quite verbal” and we have also been together since we were quite young so we had to work through A LOT to get to the place where we “acknowledge and appreciate our differences.” Sure some “mature couples” might find it desirable to pause to calm down, deal with the sensitive issue, and then cooperatively talk it through, there are a lot of us who aren’t set up that way. For me, the SMART approach is to always be on the lookout to find more and greater ways to be self-aware, conscious and kind. As long as our goals are similar, then taking different paths doesn’t matter as much. What do you think? ~Kathy
I completely agree. My thinking is, particularly when it comes to personal relationships, that we need to find what works and I’m not terribly sure it can be prescribed by any expert.
I don’t think there’s a sweeping formula that applies to us all … and I say, “viva la difference”!
Hi T.O. Yes! And let’s keep in mind that the book is written mainly for people who are struggling with their relationships or feel they aren’t communicating. If you already have a formula that works well for you then that is GREAT. Of course, as long-time-married-person I do strongly recommend that anyone still in the “early years” of marriage (and yeah that’s anyone under ten) just remember that in the long haul a relationship the people in it need to evolve and grow to keep things thriving. Who knows? Maybe sometime in the future you might find yourself looking to “communicate” a little more forcefully and that doesn’t make it bad depending upon how you look at it. Recognizing that we can use just about anything, including our arguments, for our personal growth and development is pretty SMART 🙂 ~Kathy
Our daughter was about twelve when my husband and I were having a “discussion”, and she commented that she didn’t like it when we fought. I explained to her that we weren’t fighting, but we did have a difference of opinion, and if we never had a difference of opinion then one of was never thinking. She thought about it for a few moments then said, “I guess that’s OK.” I hope it showed her that it is important to think for oneself and to express that opinion when necessary.
this is a great article. thanks for sharing.
Hi Nora! I think your approach with your daughter was great. How many of us had a far different experience when we were growing up? Mine was more like mom and dad yelling until mom would start crying and that would be the end of us. All of us daughters would hide out in our bedrooms. It took me the longest time to realize that crying was an ineffective way to resolve ANYTHING for me. I hope I’ve conveyed some of the powerful advice in this book because it does offer such hope for conflict resolution of all type. It doesn’t have to be a yelling screaming match. There are ways to disagree without being disagreeable–and to use EVERY interaction as a way to be more self aware. Thanks for checking in and letting me know you liked it. ~Kathy
It’s funny, I’ve always believed this–even when I’ve found myself in a relationship where the other party would as soon cut off his arm rather than have a disagreement! But as the authors (and you) so clearly point out, that’s not real. And it’s stifling. What I see killing relationships most is resentment–which often comes from stuffing your disagreements.
I love, love what you say here: “What is far better is to see our relationships and our lives as a growing, evolving, adventures. ”
Yes! Great post, Kathy!
Hi Susan! Thank you! I think you’ve pointed out one of the biggest problems that happen in relationships and that is just settling in and expecting things to stay the same. The truth is that the only things that don’t grow are things that aren’t “alive”. So yes, being resentful and just holding it in is deadly to a relationship. Of course the authors don’t recommend that we throw things or EVER be abusive in any way, but far better to get it out and learn from it. A big point they make is that most of us think an argument is either winning or losing or getting past it all–they are promoting making the most of them. Thanks as always for your insight. ~Kathy