On October 9th, my husband Thom and I celebrated our 38th wedding anniversary. When we got married so many years ago I never imagined what it would be like to approach an anniversary date that signifies so much time together. I’ve heard younger people worry about sticking it out with one person for so long, because they might grow tired or bored with one another. But as I’ve said before, I think our experience proves that love and the depth of a commitment can just continue growing and deepening as years go by. And while I’ve been privileged to know some couples married far longer than us, I thought it might SMART to share 25 things I’ve personally learned about a happy marriage after 38 years.
Here goes:
- A man can be your very best friend.
- Just like with any good BFF (Best-Friend-Forever), you won’t always agree on everything and that is actually a good and healthy thing.
- There is never your side and his/her side—in the best relationships, you are always on the same side.
- Making the effort to do things together strengthens the relationship.
- Making the effort to learn things together strengthens the relationship.
- Celebrating your experiences is always better than accumulating a bunch of possessions.
- Finding a way to communication/talk to each other about what really matters is critical.
- Making love after 38 years together is WAY-AY-AY better than at 1 month.
- No amount of money will make a bad relationship good.
- Knowing someone has your back NO MATTER WHAT brings tremendous peace of mind.
- Kindness and tenderness are usually not listed as qualities of a sexy man but they should be.
- A man who gets your weird humor and laughs with you is priceless.
- When the person you love tells you that you look beautiful and sexy – why would you ever worry about your wrinkles?
- The size of your lover’s heart is much more important than the size of his bank account.
- Kids or no kids?—What matters is that you both agree and that you both honor that agreement.
- Where you live should have nothing to do with what other people think, and everything to do with how happy and free your home and your community makes you feel.
- Your partner should ALWAYS come first before others in your life—your children, your parents, your friends. If not, they aren’t really your “partner” are they?
- If it isn’t working, do everything you possibly can to make it good—if not, get out. Don’t ride a dead horse.
- Tell your loved one “I love you!” a dozen times every day. Trust me, it’s the payoff is worth it.
- The daily touch/hug/caress of a loved one can make everything all right.
- Texting is wonderful if you send love and good thoughts to your partner more than anyone else.
- If you don’t respect your partner for who they are and what they do, then you don’t belong together.
- If your partner doesn’t respect you for who you are and what you do, then you don’t belong together.
- A kiss and a hug to say hello and goodbye are more important than they sound.
- It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together, saying thank you and sharing your appreciation needs to happen every day.
It’s pretty obvious to me that this blog post is a love letter to my husband after 38 wonderful years. So maybe that leads to my 26th suggestion: If you haven’t told your loved one (or others you care deeply about) how much he/she means to you, why not do it today? A SMART person never puts off something like love and gratitude until tomorrow.
Okay everyone—now it’s your turn! Any SMART relationship lessons you’d like to share in the comments below?
Wow! Thank you so much for taking the words right out of my mouth. I had Googled 38 years because in May we will be celebrating 38 also! I really don’t think I could of said it any better and thank you so much for sharing.
Hi Dawn! Thank you–I’m so glad you found my thoughts resonated with you. And congratulations on 38 yourself. It is definitely something to be proud of and celebrate! ~Kathy
Comprise during a disagreement always works.
Hi, Congrats, 38 years is such a long time, a tribute to a good husband is great. Thanks for sharing. Great read.
Happy Anniversary, Thom and Kathy!! While I’m not married, never have been, your list is one I wish I had when I was young and at one time considering marriage as I didn’t have examples of good marriages which left me believing marriage was a horrible thing.
Such a lovely posy Kathy – you had me at #1! Living with your very best friend every day, through everything that comes along in life, now that truly is incredible. Be sure to post again on your 50th anniversary 🙂
Hi Laura! Thank you. Any of us who live with our best friend have such a huge advantage in our lives. And you KNOW I’ll be posting about my 50th for sure but chances are good you’ll hear more before then as well! ~Kathy
I love them all, but I particularly like putting your partner first. It isn’t always the most popular sentiment but it serves my husband and I beautifully AND our sons.
Happy 38.
Hi Anna! Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts on this. And good for you for being able to put your husband first even with children. I think that must be challenging for sure but I know it helps make an exceptional partner! ~Kathy
Great post. Happy anniversary. Now I’m going to go tell B I love her.
Hi Tom! If my post does nothing more than remind everyone to tell their loved ones how much they care then I’m really happy. Thanks! ~Kathy
Lovely post, really appreciate your perspective. We are 10 years in, and it’s always a learning, growing experience – in a good way.
Hi Dorene! Thanks for stopping by SMART Living! And congratulations to your 10 years in! You’ve made it past the hardest part by far and it does just get better and better! ~Kathy
Aww – what a lovely homage to your partner and BFF! Happy happy anniversary to you both! xoxo nancy
I loved them all but #3 and #17 were my favorites! I think after 24 years of marriage I would say, “Whoever said you shouldn’t go to bed angry probably divorced a year later!” Sometimes it’s much better to go to bed and get a clear perspective in the moring.
Hi Rena! Yes, Thom and I do try to NOT go to bed angry but I think any longtime married couple that is very verbal can likely say there was once or twice when things were still smoldering a bit at bedtime. As you say, sometimes you then wake up and think, “What was I even fussed about?” 🙂 The good news is after so much time together you know fusses seldom add up to much of anything. ~Kathy
Congratulations on 38 years of marriage. These are all very good tips for marriage survival. I like to think as my hubby as my best friend too (but sometimes he drives me up the wall!)
How wonderful, Kathy, congrats on 38 years and here is to many more!
Hi Terri! Thanks so much for your good wishes! ~Kathy
Congrats! We just celebrated 34. Every day is precious…Randy is doing well from his double lung transplant two years ago…but every day I am grateful he is still with me.
Dear Kathy! What a inspiring article I enjoy reading your articles that give me examples of happy life. This one is priceless. I am very concern with the 24th one.It is 26 years of our wedding me and my life partner wee we practise it, but for last few years we couldn’t continue it and lessened our. Thanks for sharing and we will continue it again. This article showed me real example of why does our love go low. Congrats for your 38 years Cermoney stay happp always !!!! Hope to see more interesting articles.
Congratulations on your anniversary! I loved all the items on your list and the photos you added throughout. My husband and I also go married outdoors (“only” 13 years ago) and, like you, couldn’t imagine opting for a traditional, formal, indoor wedding. Now that we are retired, we are actively working on #6, but all are important to a strong marriage.
Best wishes for many, many more celebrations with Thom!
Hi Janis! Thank you! I know you’ve been working on #6 and really that’s something I think we all learn as we “mature” or as I’ve been hearing lately, as we “season.” And I hadn’t heard that you got married outdoors too. Where was it? Isn’t it the ONLY way to go? ~Kathy
We were lucky to have a neighbor with a big back yard – big enough for 120 guests and a blues dance band. Probably a little pricier than yours (we, of course, were older and could afford more), but we had a great party!
Oh darn! I wish I would have known you then and we could have come–I LOVE a good party!
That is awesome! 38 years is a long time. Love your post and wish you and hubby a Happy Anniversary!
Hi Raquel! Thank you for your anniversary wishes…and yes, 38 years sounds like forever but from this side of it, it doesn’t seem that way! It happens faster than we sometimes realize! ~Kathy
Congratulations on 38 years!!! I especially like #24 – so underrated, but so important!! Thank you for entering this in The Pinterest Game!
~Wendy, a co-host of The Pinterest Game
Hi Wendy! Thanks for stopping by from the Pinterest Game and thank you for your good wishes. And yes, #24 is one of those tiny little things that don’t seem like much but all add up to helping make for a great relationship. ~Kathy
What a lovely tribute, Kathy! I Agree with all of these. “Don’t try to ride a dead horse” love that! Congratulations on your Anniversary!! Sounds like true love. Very SMART tips you’ve shared!
Hi Lisa! Thank you for your good wishes! I know this post is a bit gushy but yeah, I’m thinking it’s true love too. It was my hope that others would find some of my tips helpful…they have definitely worked for us! ~Kathy
I really like the number 7 and 24.
Your husband is blessed to have a wife like you.
Happy Birthday to Katty & Tom
Hi Smachizo! Thank you so much….I tend to think we are both blessed to have each other. 🙂 ~Kathy
Hi Kathy, congratulations for the 38 years of your married life, your post was inspiring…. what a simple and genuine way to begin your married life…says a lot about you, wishing you lots of love, joy, peace, harmony and happiness today and always !
Hi G Angela! Thank you for your anniversary good wishes! And Happy 15th Anniversary to you and your loved one. As I said on your blog, the first 15 are the most challenging so you’ve got so much love, joy, peace, harmony and happiness ahead of you too! ~Kathy
Happy Anniversary! Terrific points.
I love your wedding picture. Outdoors was very 70’s. I went to several sunrise weddings out in a cow field or weddings on someone’s property, not their yard or garden, just outdoors no tents no caterers, all very 1970’s! Bet your wedding was inexpensive.
Hi Haralee! Yes, I have always thought outdoor weddings were the best and honestly can’t imagine getting married in hotel conference room! And you are absolutely correct that our wedding cost nearly nothing. Of course Thom bought a suit (he DID NOT own one at the time!) even though it was a “blue jeans suit!” And I bought the material for my dress and my maid-of-honor made my dress. We had no money at the time but I can’t imagine anyone having a better wedding. Starting your married life with debt is a very hard way to start a life together. Thanks for your good wishes. ~Kathy
Kindness and tenderness are so very sexy! I miss my husband and our great marriage more than I can say. Cherish every moment, Kathy. I wish you many wonderful, adventurous years to come. Brenda
Dear Kathy, I so resonate with your list. So many are my faves! Irwin and I were married for 39 years, 9 months, 9 days and 9 hours before he passed away in May. We never doubted that we were in love with one another – even when we disagreed, and even though in many ways we were opposites, We certainly had our tumultous times, but somehow always with an underlying respect for each other. We told one another “I love you,” in many many ways and many many times every day until his last breath. We touched, we held hands, many times, every day until that last moment. We treasured our experiences – a simple coffee date at home in the afternoon – was a special treat for us to share. He called me his “bride” until the very end. He was the kindest, most tender and gentle man [yup – that’s very sexy!] I could go on and on. Thank you for your wise and loving sharing. Bless you and Thom for so authentically modeling what is absolutely possible in a relationship. I am honored and blessed to know you. Lots of love always, Karen
Hi Karen! I am so sorry you had a difficult time leaving a comment because your post was so sweet and thoughtful. I knew that you and Irwin had an awesome relationship and somehow knew that it was very similar to Thom and I’s. I can only imagine how much he is missed in your life nowadays. But you do have some amazing memories of a wonderful man and a wonderful relationship. Just like you I know what a special gift it is to have such a relationship. Thank you dear friend for your friendship and both Thom and I send you love right back! ~Kathy
38 years, congratulations and Happy Anniversary!! Great insights and I especially love # 14 Thank you so much for sharing this sweet story! I live in Colorado Springs, so Woodland Park is just up the road.
Hey Patty! Thom and I lived in Colorado Springs ourselves for about six years. We loved the mountains and lived over on the west side near Garden of the Gods. The cabin where we got married belonged to some friends of ours and let us use it. I’m not even sure I could find it again if I wanted to, but it made for a wonderful wedding place. We will always have good memories from there. Thanks for the good wishes.~Kathy
Let me be the first man to Thank You for this writing and congratulations to both of you for making life such a pleasure for the two of you.
Hi Jeff! Yay! Yes you were the first man to comment so you win the prize. 🙂 And while I’m obviously quite happy with how things have worked for Thom and I, I do hope that our example can be encouragement for others! ~Kathy
38 years – what an accomplishment – not just to have just ‘stuck it out’ together this long, but that you’re obviously enjoying the fruit of a genuine lifelong commitment to love each other for as long as you live. That’s so significant in this culture we live in today where everything (and everyone) is disposable/replaceable and everything is geared toward one’s instant gratification. #6 “Celebrating your experiences is always better than accumulating a bunch of possessions.” is my favorite on the list because quality time is so meaningful to me. Thank you very much for sharing all the things you’ve discovered so far on your journey, and PS: Happy Anniversary!!! ~Paula R.:-) #BlogShareLearn
Hi Paula R! Thank you so much for your good wishes. And yes, that focus on experiences is something that will help EVERY relationship in my opinion because it makes for wonderful memories and bonding. Stuff? Bleh…it comes and goes! ~Kathy
What a gorgeous post with really wise and insightful observations. I’ve only been married for 5 years (I got married later in life)(I avoided a few divorces that way!) but I’ve made a few mental notes from your list. I also LOVE the photos you interspersed between the text in your post. So beautiful. xx
Hi Lisa! Thanks for stopping by SMART Living and glad you liked a few of my photos too. It’s always fun to share them with others. And it sounds like you were pretty SMART to have waited until you were ready and learned along the way before getting married. Good luck and don’t give up. It does get better and better! ~Kathy
These are fantastic. Isn’t it wonderful to find out the cute guy you married many years ago, is better today than you ever could have thought. We’ve been married for 44 years and I couldn’t agree with your more. (Especially #8). Hugs and Blessings and many many more anniversaries.
Hi Susie! Thanks for stopping by SMART Living and congratulations to you too for reaching 44! I’ll bet you find yourself surprised to have that number as much as I/we are. Time goes so fast. And glad #8 is good for you too!!!! ~Kathy
Great list Kathy! The most important one I see is the kiss goodbye and hello. It takes no time at all but connects you, even when your life is super rushed. Thank you for linking to #BlogShareLearn.
Hi Elena! Yes these aren’t really rocket science but I think we all need encouragement to do what we know in the back of our minds are good things to do. Thank you for stopping by and the chance to share it through the #BlogShareLearn! ~Kathy
Love, love, love this. And I teared up. You have a beautiful marriage but even more importantly, you have a beautiful friendship. I am blessed with both after 45 years. Blessings on you both.
Hi Beth! Thank you. Yes I do think we have a really special relationship but as you know, it does take attention and lots of care to make it last. Good for you at 45!!!! It will be here for Thom and I before we know it!! ~Kathy
Thank you!! This is wonderful. I’ve been remarried for a little over two years and so determined to do it right this time… so much of what you said is what my husband and I already do. Some of it is very important reminders not to let the honeymoon stage end. I’m going to send this to him. Thanks again!
Hi Debbie! Good luck to you on this 2nd time around. I’m sure you learned A LOT the first time and if you are both headed in the same direction it sounds like you are well on your way. As time goes by it does get easier. Honestly the first 15 were the hardest and the rest have just gotten better and better! ~Kathy
It’s quite clear why you are still going strong with your man after all these years. Every bit of your advice is great–and could make a post of its own. Congratulations! I have no advice, though, as I have always been a work in progress as far as relationships go!
Hi Carol! I think every relationship is a work in progress too because as Abraham-Hicks says, you’ll never get it perfect and you’ll never it get it done. As we both know, intentionality is HUGE and I like to keep headed in that direction. Thanks for your good wishes! ~Kathy
Congrats on 38 years…wow! Just had my 20th and not gonna lie, marriage can take some work at times, but I loved all of your 25 things! It’s a journey for sure.
Hi Laurie! Thanks for your best wishes. But good for you…the first 20 years are definitely the hardest. It DOES get easier! ~Kathy
What a wonderful tribute to the good man you’ve had the good fortune to share your life with. I’d say he’s pretty lucky, too. Congratulations to you both on this milestone–and for setting such a great example. There are such rich rewards in a good marriage, aren’t there?
Hi Roxanne! Thank you for your good wishes! I consider us both extremely lucky to have found each other! ~Kathy
Congratulations on your anniversary Kathy. Loved your points. Spot on.
Hi Ali! Thank you for your good wishes. 🙂 It is a good day! ~Kathy
oh your wedding was so free and fun looking (very 70’s) congrats on your anniversary and all those points are spot on 🙂
Hi Leanne! Yes we’ve stayed pretty “unusual” most of our married life 🙂 We had only the people in the photo at our wedding and it was a beautiful and crisp day in the Colorado Mountains outside Colorado Springs. We stayed the night in a little one-room cabin with no electricity or running water. Now I can’t imagine going too long without wifi! Things have changed! ~Kathy
Great insights. Congrats on your anniversary!
Hi Michelle! Thank you for your good wishes! ~Kathy