Around ten years ago my husband Thom and I got serious about living a more simple, minimal and rightsized life. But as most of us know, a simple life isn’t like a college degree where once you have it, you hang it on the wall and never think about it again. So, when offered a review copy of the book, Soulful Simplicity—How Living With Less Can Lead To So Much More—I eagerly accepted. The book not only reinforces many of the practices I’ve learned along the way, it also gently shares a number of new and soulful ideas about how living with less truly leads to a life of living so much more.
The book’s author, Courtney Carver, was a former advertising executive and single mom who gave up her chronically stressful life of workaholism and debt after being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (MS.) Like most things that need changing, it didn’t happen overnight. And perhaps even more importantly, Carver recognized that even though the transformation started with a few external actions—like diet and yoga—it was the internal shifts that made the biggest difference. Once Carver put her health first and how that touched her daughter, she kept peeling off the layers of her former life until she uncovered the needs of her soul.
Like many of you, I’ve read a lot about simplicity and minimalism. I’ll admit that it can be tempting to just skim through information that we think we already know. Fortunately for me, I began reading this book over the weekend and slowly allowed it to share its soothing message with me. Serendipitously, it handed me a pearl of an idea that I really needed to hear.
It was a busy weekend. Not only did Thom and I attend a large family gathering on Saturday afternoon, that evening we were invited to dinner with friends. Both events were filled with laughter, love and good food—my favorite things. Then along with the goodbyes at the end of the evening, we received an invitation to play Pickleball first thing in the morning. I haven’t mentioned much about Pickleball before, but it is a fun new game that I really enjoy.
The problem was, when I woke up on Sunday morning what I really wanted to do was just sit, open the doors of the house so I could hear my fountain, cuddle with Kloe (my dog), and finish my book. But those of you who know me also know that I struggle with FOMO. (Fear of missing out.) My FOMO is constantly pushing me to do more, see more, enjoy more—so the thought of not going to play Pickleball with my friends was very conflicting.
While I wrestled with the decision I poured myself a cup of coffee and opened the book. There Carver reveals an excellent antidote to FOMO. Rather than worry about anything I might be missing, Carver suggests JOMO—the Joy of missing out! When you think about it, it is so simple that it’s crazy I never thought about it that way before. Instead of agonizing over what I was missing, JOMO suggests that I celebrate letting go of the temptation, and enjoy being and doing nothing (or something else that matters more to me in the moment.) The minute I read about JOMO, a light when off in my head and I immediately felt myself relax into the pleasant choice of just staying home.
If you don’t suffer from FOMO you might not be as impressed as I was about this simple but profound thought. But here are a few more jewels in this book that deserve attention:
- Carver freely talks about her illness, but it is also clear that this book isn’t about her MS. She says, “Once I intentionally began to slow down and simplify my life, I began to heal, and most of the healing had nothing to do with multiple sclerosis…It was a gentle honesty about what mattered most in my life.”
- Carver points out that we often must shift and adjust ourselves to get to where we want to go—and sometimes that is difficult and painful. She says, “Over almost a decade of massive change, it’s become very clear to me that you have to do things you don’t want to do so you can do things you want to do and have the kind of life you really want.” Like I talked about in last week’s post, tradeoffs (or PVT) are necessary!
- “Making ends meet impacted my entire life—keeping people happy, paying the bills, errands, meetings, obligations, commitments, getting things done, catching up—so many ends…. I finally figured it out. Instead of working so hard to make ends meet, work on having fewer ends.”
- “We buy and hold on to things for many reasons, but usually it’s because we want to be someone we are not, feel something we don’t, or prove we are something we don’t think we are to someone else.”
- “Shopping numbed the pain and it felt like an accomplishment…. I loved the feeling of shopping. The relief. The distraction. I was shopping away the pain…. I didn’t love shopping, I loved numbing the pain.”
- “I know how it feels to do work you don’t enjoy earning money to pay for all the things you need to make yourself feel better for doing work you don’t enjoy.”
- “Busyness was part of my definition of success…If you’ve ever used your to-do list or calendar as a report card to assess your self-worth, you know what I mean.”
- Carver quotes another author named Glennon Doyle who said, “You can either be shiny and admired or real and loved.” Carver continues with, “Being shiny means not being you. Shiny doesn’t last, or feel good, or matter. Loved is always the better bet.”
- “…the simple yet sometimes hard truth is that your children don’t want your stuff. They want you…. I don’t want my legacy to be storage containers of stuff…When I go, I want to be remembered for how I loved while I was here.”
- “We don’t remove clutter, reduce the stress, and boycott busyness to have a simple life. We do it to have a life.”
There is obviously much more in the book including suggestions about how to put it all into practice. But what really stands out for me is the fact that this book was written by a woman (most of the other books on simplicity and minimalism are written by men) so it feels different. Carver does an excellent job of pointing out the why we strive for a simpler life instead of all the how-tos—so it makes for both an enjoyable read as well as an inspiring one.
In true SMART Living fashion, Carver admits that she isn’t an expert on simplicity and is still a work in progress. What she does in this book is remind us all that the best way to experience a life that matters, is to let go of everything else and be true to ourselves.
Soulful Simplicity–How Living With Less Can Lead To So Much More is set to publish in December 2017. To preorder with bonuses click HERE.
Congratulations to the three winners of my new book–Positive Aging: The SMART Living 365 Guide To Thriving and Wellbeing At Any Age. Kloe selected the names of 1) Alison Slade; 2) Haralee Weintraub; and 3) Lisa Listwa. Thank you all for entering!
She is coming to Dallas on her book tour and I am hoping I can go. I went to her talk on the Tiny Wardrobe tour and she is a good speaker. I don’t go overboard with things or commitments but even I got “cluttered” in all aspects of my life and mindset. The past two years especially had me sitting and staring out the window a lot. And I loved it! I like the concept of JOMO so that I don’t feel guilty doing it. It is what I need now I think. I am divorced, my mother has passed away and my son is in the military so I am working to figure out how I want to live my life now. I’ve come to terms with all the changes and am looking forward to refining my thoughts and life to what is purposeful for me. I’d love to do more volunteer work (yes, I would do my job for free for the right organization) and to build more genuine relationships. Loved your review. Thank you!
Hi Jen! Oh good for you for making the effort to go to the talk about Soulful Simplicity. I think it is so easy to just say something sounds good or important–and quite another thing to take steps to really embrace it. And I think it is is a perfect way to start exploring how and why you want to be in the world from here on out. Good luck to you and thanks for your comment! ~Kathy
Actually I had pre-ordered both this and a book called the year of less on Amazon, lol. I am past the FOMO on the experience side (mainly) and these days almost never do a thing or make a commitment prior to noon. but I still suffer from the stuff angle, blaming it on everything from needing it for crafting or clothing replacement for lost weight. I tell myself I dont shop, but the truth is I just shop online, lol.
Hey Barbara! I hope you enjoy this book as much as I did. Like I said in the post, even though I’ve read so much about simplicity and simple living before, I still found some of her ideas refreshing and inspiring. And good for you for not being driven by FOMO…I know not everyone is! But the “stuff” issue is something that keeps popping back up for all of us if we aren’t paying attention. Of course, it isn’t so much the “stuff” as it is our attachments and expectations about the stuff. If certain items are really important to us and definitely increase our happiness, then no problem. It’s all the other stuff we hold on to for other reasons like not having enough, or fearing a loss, or???? It sounds like you have found something that works for you–and I call that “rightsized!” Thanks for your comment. ~Kathy
JOMO is a great acronym to remember! Sometimes it takes a health or life crisis to put life into a perspective that makes it worth living and enjoying.
BTW my cousins have been playing pickle ball for about a year and enjoy it!
Hi Haralee! And I completely agree that much of the time those health or life crisis are a trigger to a change that really needs to happen in our lives. No one wants them, but turning them around to something valuable is always SMART in my opinion. As for pickleball, it is considered to be the fastest growing sport in the U.S. I think we will all hear more about it in the days to come. ~Kathy
All good points. But I never understood why or how shopping numbed the pain — to me, shopping is a painful experience in itself!
Hi Tom! Good point! I find that now I am so habituated to NOT shop that it has become painful to me too. But I still know (and I’ll bet you do too!) plenty of people who find it pleasantly numbing (although I doubt they’ve grown to think of it that way.) I’d say on the surface that women do it more visually than men–like going to the mall to buy clothes or shoes–but I’ve seen lots of men who insist on buying a new car every year regardless. We have another friend who has four motorcycles jammed in his garage. Another family member bought a big RV he only used once or twice in 10 years. Could it be that men tend to numb some of their pain by buying toys? ~Kathy
JOMO: I love it! Just now I was meditating, a daily practice that feels, frankly, like a chore. But I closed the door, got comfortable, and realized, this is the only time and only place I don’t feel as if I should be speaking, thinking, cleaning, visiting, interacting, etc. etc. It’s my quiet place, where I can experience JOMO.
Hi Lynne! Thank you for pointing out how meditation can be such a wonderful way to experience JOMO! It certainly helps to make us stay more present and that is a key. I’m pretty sure that Carver meditates daily, along with her yoga practice, and I’m sure that helps her as well. ~Kathy
I hadn’t thought of myself as having FOMO, but now I wonder if I do to at least some extent. Turning that around to JOMO is brilliant and much less stressful.
There were two quotes from this post that I especially loved (I think one of yours and one of Carver’s): “she kept peeling off the layers of her former life until she uncovered the needs of her soul” and “Instead of working so hard to make ends meet, work on having fewer ends.” Just lovely.
And, speaking of FOMO, after hearing about your love of Pickleball, I’m determined to find out if there are any teams close to us (for BOTH of us 🙂 ).
Hi Janis! I’d bet that most of us have it–if only a little bit. Probably the more extroverted have a problem with it. But any time we catch ourselves wishing we could “do it all” we are feeling the effect. But yes! Do check out pickleball! It is a very fun game for people of all ages. One of these days I’ll write a post about it.
And both of those quotes are Courtney’s. I thought both of them say so much. Thanks for noticing! ~Kathy
I am so grateful that we never had the funds to be caught up in the consumer culture. It has made living a life of simplicity and minimalism so much easier – and we were doing it long before it was fashionable!
Hi Leanne! Good for you. I agree that the temptation to spend makes is sometimes worse when you have extra money around. But I think Courtney’s experience is far too common in the U.S. (hopefully not as bad in Australia!) What I think happens is so many people work long and hard hours and jobs that sort of suck the life out of them, and in order to feel better about their “life” they spend whatever funds they can find. (including credit!) Obviously, that turns out bad in the long run! But when people are deeply unsatisfied with their life they will pursue all sorts of addictions. Shopping is usually more accepted than drugs and alcohol but in the long run it can be devastating. It is my sincere hope that more of us learn the benefits of more is less! Thanks for checking in on this! ~Kathy
JOMO. What a brilliant reframing. Definitely makes me want to read more!
Hi Donna! Do you suffer from FOMO too? I hope you know that I also had a bit of it with your WordPress Conference too…but this reframing is very helpful for me. Now, all I have to do it remember it as time goes by. ~Kathy
Once again, a post that totally makes sense, Kathy. And, at this very moment, I am having a perfect example of a JOMO moment, missing out on your fun gathering in the desert… Instead, I am doing some stuff around the house and the garden (for which I usually don’t have time) and loving these two cute temporary dogs of ours. 🙂
Being true to yourself is such an important thing. Don’t worry about what everyone else thinks or about fitting in. Being yourself (and have others accept, respect and love you that way) is what matters!
Hi Liesbet! Thank you. And please know that I/we definitely missed you today. And when it came time for the group photo I was wishing we had a cut out of your face we could hold in our hands. Maybe next year???
And yes, I sincerely hope you found your own piece of JOMO in your experience today. ~Kathy
Yep, maybe next year. Who ever knows with us? 🙂 Funny you mention a cut-out. Mark and I once sent life-size cut-outs of our faces to good friends in New Zealand, because we couldn’t make their wedding. Some of the wedding photos have our heads in it! 🙂
Hi Liesbet! I think that is such a cute idea. Although we would far rather you joined us next year, we would far rather you join us in person. ~Kathy
This author has some very insightful pointers. I have always been frugal by nature, and have never enjoyed shopping as a leisure activity. My approach to shopping has been to run into a store and spend the least time necessary to get the item I need, then leave. If I own something that is a bit old and shabby, I tend to keep using it until it wears out rather than replacing it with a fancier model.
However, a few years ago I found myself in a workaholic job that I did not enjoy, in a dysfunctional workplace, and in a community where we knew no one. In the absence of having a social network and feeling constantly exhausted, shopping rushed in to fill the void. Yes, I needed a different wardrobe for that job, and yes, I suddenly had lots of excess money. But what I really needed was friends, community integration, and a more balanced life.
I wonder whether focusing on minimalism and reduced consumption as a way for individuals to change their lives, as many publications do (although I am not suggesting Carver does this) actually puts the emphasis in the wrong place. Perhaps the pursuit of stuff is a symptom of feeling socially alienated or isolated, and the real solution is to develop more caring and socially reciprocal relationships, both personally and by helping to build a better society. Then excess shopping would fix itself. My deep thought for the day!
Jude
Hi Jude! Oh I’m sorry. Your comment is making it clear to me that I didn’t communicate the message of soulful simplicity very well in this post because the major focus of Carver is what you suggest. She is very honest about how her shopping and her lifestyle was a symptom of not looking within and constantly feeling alienated, isolated and busy. I personally enjoyed her story of her “transformation” and am convinced she is helping to address many of the social ills that so many people face when they get stuck in debt, shopping, and consumption. As you could say, once we address those underlying issues, the excess shopping does fix itself. But her example shows there is hope for anyone who finds themselves caught in a trap. And for those who already “get” the message, I found little nuggets that are excellent reminders too.
Thanks for helping me clarify this! ~Kathy
I love that there are actually abbreviations for these conditions! I am way past FOMO. And truly enjoy JOMO. However, the internet has helped solve that problem. Because I can connect with fellow novelists on Women’s Fiction Writers–I don’t get so uptight. I know what’s going on, what article to read, what agents might be searching for my work. It helps. Lately, however, my upper back is bothering me. Too much time at the computer. There are always up and down sides. Great post.
Hi Beth! Good for you for having conquered FOMO long before. I actually don’t have any FOMO related to the internet–mine is more about doing things, going places, traveling and getting together with friends. But while I doubt I will ever stop enjoy doing those things, I want to always remember that JOY is a better response and the only true way to enjoy the moment.
So sorry to hear about your back! Take care of yourself and celebrate the simple pleasures in life. ~Kathy
Kathy, this is great, this idea of FOMO VS JOMO! Fomo can be a huge source of stress and anxiety, and I love this antidote. I will have the distinct joy of seeing you this morning and can’t wait! And pickleball? You go, girl!
Hi Terri! Isn’t that great? Such a nice “simple” idea that turns the whole idea of FOMO completely around. And I’ve used it a couple of other times lately as well and it just brings me back to remembering what is important. And yes to the fun of seeing you today.~Kathy